"Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I just found this quote.
It's very appropro for this "Steps to Climb" blog.
The first step truly is the hardest.
I had said, at the time, I made a leap of faith.
I wish I could have leaped up the steps that are behind me, but it took all the courage and strength I could muster to climb even one step.

I know you can do it, too.
Because I did it.

Keep Calm and Carry On

I found this wooden decoration at my favorite gift store. It was the theme at work last year, so it sits on top of my file cabinet in my cubicle behind my desk. Sorry it's a blurry picture. I took it with my dumb phone (I don't have a smart phone).

It's a good platitude for my life right now, too. I gaze on the words off and on all day long.

Still no end in sight of ex-husband's stall tactics during this, so far, two-month back-and-forth with the lawyers. Even knowing in advance--convincing myself--he wouldn't be true to his signature and promises, I still had something inside of me that thought he would.

Silly me.

I also have this wooden decoration sitting in front of my desk. It keeps me grounded.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.

ED vs. DE: Part I

Caution: not for the faint-hearted

ED vs. DE. Sounds like the name of a law suit. But, no, we’re talking sexual dysfunction, or, more specifically, sexual dysfunction due to pornography addiction.* We’re talking relationship problems, lack of intimacy, advanced masturbation,** and escalation of porn use.***

A friend of mine asked me, “What’s masturbation got to do with pornography?” I was speechless, but who am I to question what any good, loving, caring, trusting wife thinks? I was clueless, too, to the many intricacies that occur in the lives of men who are addicted to pornography.  Ultimately, spouses, too, are victims of the dysfunction caused by porn.

The clinical definition of ED (erectile dysfunction), dumbed down, is a failure to obtain or maintain an erection in three month's time. Think about the overuse of the drugs Viagra, Cialis and others in recent years, not to mention testosterone drugs—Androgel, Androderm, Testim and others. Men would rather have the horrible headache and other severe side effects associated with this kind of drug use, than not have the drugs.**** Spouses of these men are clueless that the reason they need them is because they are addicted to pornography.

My former spouse didn’t suffer from ED, but I discovered another common side effect of excessive pornography viewing—DE (delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation). I had never heard of it until after I was divorced. All of sudden, my life made perfect sense. I also felt validated. Our lack of intimacy wasn’t my fault, like he said it was. I wasn’t boring, I just wasn’t a teenager who wanted to do all that disgusting stuff that happens on porn sites. I wasn’t too much this or not enough that. He compared me to the erotic, fantasy women created by porn conglomerates, and I came up short.

How liberating to know I was not to blame for his lack of interest, not only in sex, but in me as a whole person. How revolting to know this was going on at all and had affected my whole life. Not just my life, but also the lives of my children, and the lives of our friends and family who were devastated when they heard we were getting a divorce. I don’t think anyone has yet recovered.

Following is more fodder to ponder, if questioning your marital relations.

If your spouse spends most of his free time tied to the computer viewing pornography, fantasizing and masturbating (read: lots of different partners), his feelings for you will decline to nothing. How can a wife compete with what is going on in his head? Pornography satisfies all five pleasure points in the brain. Inordinate amounts of the chemical dopamine are released causing what is known as a type of chemical brain damage. This is more damage than is done by heroin, alcoholism or smoking addictions.

Why am I telling you this? Because I was a victim of pornography addiction and its decline to sexual dysfunction. I want you to know all you can so your world will make sense to you and you can do something about it.

Check out:

·        http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn

·        http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/05/abusing-porn/

·        http://www.issm.info/education-for-all/sexual-health-qa/what-are-some-effects-of-sustained-pornography-use

*A real pornography addiction doesn’t just mean viewing porn often. It means one is caught up in the fantasy and can’t live without it. One gets mean when not viewing it. Advanced masturbation has ruined any chance for an emotional and intimate relationship. One has unrealistic expectations with a real human, and prefers porn sex/masturbation to real sex.

**Advanced masturbation is when one prefers the friction caused by using a hand, or by having oral sex, and now can’t be stimulated by vaginal sex.

***Escalation means the viewer of porn needs more and more visual stimulation, rougher and more aggressive scenes and acts in order to be satisfied sexually. Unfortunately, escalation can lead to viewing child pornography, child molestation, and rape.

****I’m not saying all men don’t need an ED drug. Some men do have physical ailments that require its usage. ED is happening more and more to young men, and even teenagers, who are addicted to pornography and cannot maintain or have an erection while being intimate with their spouses/partners.

I Found "Courage"

I love this Willow Tree angel. Its name is "Courage." It's new and I found it at exactly the time I needed it. I whined about my lawyer/deadbeat husband woes in a previous post. I saw a counselor, talked to my friends, blah, blah, blah, then went to my favorite gift store and this little angel signaled to me to hang in there. Serendipity! She is now displayed on my mantle. I also got a figurine called "Happiness." I'll display that one when I hear from my lawyer that my ex finally agreed to do everything he agreed to do three years ago.

If anyone else out there is going through deadbeat husband woes, I feel ya'. I have found prayer works wonders. Shedding the burden and giving it to the Lord makes me feel light again.

I heard an awesome quote today by Jeffrey R. Holland: "Hope is never lost." When you think about it, it makes so much sense. I will never ever think again that I've lost all hope. That's just silly.

Excerpt From My Memoir--Finding the Porn

Spoiler alert--adult content

March 4, 2010

I can’t believe this is happening to me! As if my life couldn’t get any worse . . .

 

With Jerry* out of town on his "mini-vacation," I couldn’t sleep. Thinking he may have taken the money out of our checking account, I got up and searched around in his desk for the check book and couldn’t find it. He moves things around all the time and doesn’t tell me, like it’s none of my business. I was afraid maybe he took it with him. I already felt abandoned.

I looked in all his drawers and couldn’t find it anywhere, so I started looking in the same places all over again. My head was reeling. My thoughts traveled a mile a minute through the past and into the future and back to the present.

His top desk drawer is deep, so I pulled it all the way out and saw some CDs, which distracted me. I wondered if one was the CD I gave him of his family history. I thought I should make copies for the kids.

A DVD in the pile jumped out at me like a poisonous snake. I recoiled as I saw the cover. Pornography.

I let out a short, startled scream, then remembered Leah down the hall in bed. I started breathing so fast I thought I was going to pass out. My heartbeat was deafening.

I looked at the cover for a second and had to look away. It was disgusting. Lewd. I didn’t want to touch it. I can barely write about it.

I took it downstairs to my computer and put it in the DVD drive. The images that popped out at me on the screen made me want to throw-up right there on the spot. I mean, projectile vomit! I couldn’t watch more than two seconds of each segment. I kept hitting the forward button.

Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. There must have been at least a dozen segments. I have no idea how long they are. I kept hitting “forward.” How does one wash out one’s mind with soap?

I am officially humiliated, disgraced,  mortified. Those young women on that DVD didn’t even look as old as his daughters. My lip went up in a snarl and I really hated that man at that minute. If Leah wasn’t asleep in her room, directly above my computer, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs!

And to think I’ve been blaming myself all these years for him not wanting to have sex with me. He would rather sit and watch those girls while – . I mean, I was there, every night, lying next to him in bed, but he would rather – Ew!

* Names are changed

I'm Going to Do It.

I really need this quote. It appeared on a day this week when I had almost given up, lost hope. I think I’ve fallen down a step or two this past month or so.

After three years, my ex-husband is rearing his ugly head and fighting me about keeping up with his part in our MSA (Marriage Settlement Agreement). I phoned a lawyer back in my home state for advice (I have legal benefits through my insurance at work), I emailed her my paperwork, she emailed him, he got a lawyer, his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, both agreed he is a cheap jerk (their words, not mine). Nevertheless, ex-husband wants to make a deal with me before he’ll keep his part of the bargain. I can’t believe he wants to deal when he is the one not doing his part. My lawyer agrees. We’ll see what his lawyer says.

I suppose women go through this all the time. My lawyer friend said most of his court appearances are due to deadbeat husbands not keeping up with alimony/agreements. (And why would I expect a liar/cheater/abuser to keep up with a bargain he made and signed his name to? Call me crazy.)

I realize everyone has their own truth. My truth to this matter is most likely 180 degrees from my ex-husband’s truth. His truth tells him that I got enough from him, even though we split our assets, and even though we were married thirty-three years and his income is way more than mine (that’s how the court looks at it).

His truth says, if I want him to do something (keep up his agreement), then I have to give up something (make a deal). In other words, what’s in it for him? (Maybe his lawyer didn’t inform him he is in “contempt of court.”)

My dilemma is, I don’t like confrontation. But I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

This whole thing is causing my PTSD to resurface big time. I was in a safe place, emotionally, for the last three years. I know I’m in a safe place physically, yet I am fearful.

I went to a counselor this past week and she helped me to see he can’t hurt me anymore, so I shouldn’t be afraid of him. The counselor told me that having courage (to stand up for myself) does not mean there’s no fear. I never thought that way before. She’s right. Everything I did during this divorce, every step I’ve conquered, was despite the fear I felt.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and she said if I stand up to him, he will see that I won't take his abuse anymore. He'll realize he can't bully me anymore. Wise words. I'm taking it all in.

The more I think about it, the more I am determined to stand up for myself. I need to climb that step again. I’m going to do it. No matter what. It won't be easy, and it won’t always be this way. I’ll take one day at a time.

Triple A Divorce (AAA)

Sometimes I feel like Julie Powell, the woman who started a blog with the challenge to cook all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. She wondered, "Is anyone reading this?"

The Triple A divorce (Abuse, Adultery, Addiction) is a hard subject to both write about and read about. Some people have told me they couldn't read this. It's too much. Too many memories they want to put to rest.

To them I say, "Well done. You have been able to forge ahead and not look back. You have climbed up and over the top landing. You are my hero. I really wish you well."

There are some of us who haven't reached that step yet. Oh, to be on that step, where I can put these experiences to rest, like lowering a coffin into the pit and covering it with dirt.

When will that happen?  I'd love to know.

For those of you who have been through a Triple A divorce, how long did it finally take you? How have you found healing?

It would be interesting for someone still stepping to know. Someone like me.

Feel free to share here.

Steps to Climb

This poses a valid question at the end. What step are you on? I have no idea, but I know I've conquered many. I also know my steps were a lot steeper.
Can't say I'm at the top yet like the happy fellow on the landing.
But I know I can do it.
How about you?

Learning

When I said this blog is one of “self-realization,” as I did in the sidebar, I had a couple meanings in mind for that concept.

 

First, this blog is not a “self-help” blog. In other words, I don't feel like such an expert on getting over this divorce crisis in my life that I can write the “Five Ways to an Amicable Divorce”, or "Ten Steps to Divorce Recovery"—or any number of ways to do anything related to divorce. The process of living through it is sometimes enough to handle without numbering my issues.

 

Second, it is to help me realize what my problems are, to try to overcome them, using blogging as a cathartic process.

But now it seems I can write five ways to do or not to do something, and even put it in a three-part series. It’s a little self-help, so there you have it. Serendipity.

I have told many women going through a crisis they should blog as a journal. Their first reaction is, “I don’t want anybody to read what I write!”

I tell them they can set up a blog so that nobody has access to it. I have one that nobody reads. Yes, as if this blog doesn’t contain enough terrible-awful things, I actually have a blog full of vitriol that no one will ever read. It’s my catharsis, in a twisted way. I can say whatever I want to, without any judgments.

 

My third reason for creating this blog is that it helps others self-actualize, analyze, think twice or three times about a life where divorce is imminent, ongoing, or done with. It’s my wish that, by sharing my experiences, I can show that divorce stinks, but is sometimes necessary, and here are the steps I went through. Maybe you can learn from my marriages mistakes and my divorce discoveries.

I’d like to learn from you, too.

 

 

A Woman's Plimsoll Line: an excerpt from my memoir

September 30, 2010

I found an interesting article on the internet about a woman’s plimsoll line. I didn’t even know what a plimsoll line was until I read it. It’s a marked waterline on the side of a ship used by sailors to let them know when the boat is filled and can’t take on any more cargo.

If you look at a plimsoll line as the “last straw” or “crossing the line,” then this analogy works very well for women who are/were abused or victims of infidelity. I hit my plimsoll line this year. I couldn’t take on any more of his nonsense. My burden over the years accumulated and it became too great to bear . . .

 

Each woman's plimsoll line is unique. Each woman's burden is her own to carry, or discharge if the line is breached.

 

I remember drawing that line, on the kitchen table, back in February. I told him, "This is the line. I am here. She is there, on the other side. You need to choose."

 

What I didn't know then was that the choice was really mine, and had been all along.

 

Some Financial Advice For While You’re Still Married

I am the last person to give financial advice. This is only what I wish I had done before it came to divorce.

I was a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time jobs. I had no college education to be able to gain a better salary. When I graduated high school, women didn’t need college educations unless they were going to be nurses or teachers. Times have changed.

I realize now I should have taken more interest in our financial affairs during my marriage. Money talk went right over my head. My eyes glazed over. If I saw a dollar sign, my brain shut off.
Denial!

And besides, he didn't want me to know how much money he really made . . . *face palm*

Funny, now that I’m divorced, this is what I have to conquer on a monthly basis when bills are due. It's not so scary now. I learned how to budget. See what money is coming in and plan for bill payment. Write a check or go online and pay the bill.

What’s not easy is worrying about having the money to do it. So far so good for me. I don't know what the future may hold.

But I digress.

Protect yourself now. If you’re thinking divorce is in your future, take control. Work with your spouse on your financial profile. I had never helped my husband prepare our taxes. Never. Ever. And he liked it that way. It was another way of keeping control.

Imagine my surprise when I helped him prepare our taxes for the last time—so I could see how it’s done. It was then I learned how much money my husband really made. He made it seem we were always in a financial crisis. He led me to believe we were living just above poverty level. He demanded I work—full-time—not part-time as I had been doing so I could be home with our kids. I found out he made six figures--without my puny part-time wage.

My part-time job finally went full-time the year before our divorce process started. But my ex was never satisfied. We never had enough money because of his indiscriminate and secretive spending.
By not knowing our financial position, I didn’t spot his skimming of our accounts. I didn’t realize what he was spending on himself—all the while telling me not to buy groceries, sometimes for three weeks in a row. I would question his purchases, but he always told me, “Don’t worry about it.” So I didn’t. I was in total denial. I, erroneously, trusted him.

Words of advice:

·       Women, check your bank accounts on a weekly basis. You can do this online now. Your husband most likely already set up a password. Get it from him.

·       Know where all the documents are for your finances. Mine were in a desk in his “man cave.” He resented me going through “his” files. I had to remind him they were “our” files. Once the divorce was on, I found out later he hid some money in a secret savings account. I couldn’t prove it. Well, I could have, if I wasn’t emotionally drained during the divorce process. If I would have found out about it sooner, I wouldn’t have been hoodwinked.

·       Work together on paying your bills every month. If he doesn’t like it, compromise and each pay half of the bills with joint money. Tell him it will give you experience in case something happens to him.

·       Get a credit card in your own name while you’re still married—if you have good credit. If your spouse pays the bills in a timely manner, you probably have a good credit score. Once you get your own credit card, pay the whole amount off every month. Don’t spend what you don’t have and this will be easy.

·       Work together on preparing your taxes.

·       Know about his 401K and your IRA, if you have one.

I know this might sound scary to some of you, but it’s essential in protecting yourself from a calamity that will affect your whole life after your divorce, if you get one.

Does anybody have any other advice?

Does Mediation Only Give the Appearance of an Amicable Divorce?

             As I said before, one of the rules of mediation in my (former) state is that the spouses put all their funds into one joint account. We also had to stay in the house together or we would be considered abandoning it, or abandoning the marriage and, therefore, mediation could not take place.

I’m sorry. That is wrong.

I'm not saying mediation is wrong. I just think the rules have to be tweaked a bit.

I realize mediation gives the appearance of an amicable divorce, but in most cases, I’m sure it’s not why people want to mediate.

People are getting a divorce for a “reason.” Most of the time one or the other is cheating, lying, abusing, has dark secrets, is a narcissist—the list goes on. (Refer to my post on June 19, 2013 of top reasons why people divorce)

I believe, even in mediation, the accounts should be halved, or 60-40—whatever the court will allow—and the offending party should move out.*

The only reason I went through the mediation process was because I heard it didn’t take as long as a regular divorce and I wanted out of there fast. Since it doesn’t take as long, it’s cheaper.

Most states are “no fault” so it doesn't matter who the adulterer, liar or narcissist is. Tell the lawyer you fear for your life. I did at one point, but she seemed unmoved by that. She must have thought, “They’re here mediating, so it can’t be that bad.”

I pushed an end table in front of the bedroom door to make noise if he tried to get in, and slept with scissors under my pillow, next to my cell phone set to call 9-1-1-. I was fearful. I had been verbally abused for over thirty years. He was acting erratic. He had a girlfriend. I found his porn—all this on top of the abuse, lying and skimming money from our account.

In my case, I just wanted to mediate so I could get out of the marriage as soon as possible.

Because my ex took money out of our joint accounts, I decided to take some of our money and open up a new account in my name only to protect myself. My friends, ecclesiastical leader—even our marriage counselor—told me to do it.

I felt defeated when I heard the mediator say, “You need to put all of your money into one account.”

My heart dropped. My husband gloated victory.

After I put the money back, he spent our joint account down to almost nothing. He got his own credit card and spent a thousand dollars at a pop. I got one too. I spent seven dollars.

• Did you use a mediator for your divorce?
• Were you pleased with the results?
• What would you have done differently?
• I'd love a lawyer's opinion on the subject.

Are you considering mediation? You might want to check your state laws to see what is best for you before you decide.

*Just my two cents, as always

Just Sayin'

Are Your Steps Going in the Right Direction?

I found a lovely quote by Henry B. Eyering in Goodreads. I don't know if I'm allowed to use quotes on blogs without asking, but he wrote to the effect, if you are on the right path, it will always be uphill.
How fitting for a blog called "Steps to Climb."

I am reminded of climbing the beautiful mountains surrounding Boulder, Colo. when I lived there in my young adulthood.

At each crevice and plateau, I would pause and look down to see my journey behind me.The trees were smaller--and the people weren't seen at all.
Perspective. Looking down from perches I happened upon on the rocky mounts made me think of my place in a world full of God's children. I am one of them. I know God loves me. I know He is looking out for me.
He knows my pains and sorrows. He knows my joys.
Then I'd look up to see the awe-inspiring journey still needed to reach the top. The glorious and vast heavens above me gave me a challenge. The colorful rock formations beneath my hands and feet gave me a stronghold as I pulled myself upward. Each movement had to be calculated for success.
Being young and stupid, I didn't climb with ropes as they do nowadays. I knew that one false move would be to my detriment, big time.
 Sometimes I feel defeated. I especially felt defeated on that long climb I took, up each vertical step of the divorce process.
 I don't know which step I'm on now because I am trying to find the healing step and the forgiveness step.
Since I am looking up, I must be on the right path.  I hope you are on your right path, too.

Be Kind. Sympathize.

Oh, how I know this so well. Looking back, I can't imagine what my friends thought of me. I always felt poorly. Depression, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Hypoglycemia, chronic back pain . . . these dis-eases invaded my body and made me old before my time. I was fighting a hard battle.
The reason why I am happily divorced is because I now have none of the autoimmunes. They all disappeared on my two-week, cross-country journey as I escaped the old and welcomed my new life.


I hope, if you are fighting a hard battle, if you suffer from dis-ease, you will feel well again, too.

My Book Review of "Shattered. . . " Shared

Good news for me. Fay A. Klinger, who, along with Bettyanne Bruin, wrote "Shattered: six steps from betrayal to recovery," just posted my book review of her book on her Facebook author page and in her newsletter coming out next month.
For those of you who missed it, look in my archive on July 25, 2013 where I wrote the review of the only book that really helped me understand what I was going through with this Triple A Divorce.

I urge you to check it out. I'm sure it will help you, too.

I Will Get Through This

I just read this post today:
Suffering is required for exaltation.
From Romans 8:16-18:

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

I get a Scripture-a-Day sent to my email. Sometimes it gives me light. Sometimes it makes me think.

I know what this says is true, but this message came at a difficult time right now. I just found out my ex was in my own hometown visiting with my kids. They didn't tell me.

I wouldn't have told me either. 

When I saw their pictures posted on Facebook, my PTSD kicked in big time. I woke my daughter up from a sound sleep asking if he was still here. She was visibly annoyed. Seeing my wide and wild-eyed expression, she must have thought I was crazy. (Maybe I am, a little.)

I'm mostly damaged.

I spent last night, late, searching through my bathroom trying to find the Prozac. Yes, I felt that frantic. I finally found it, but the expiration date was from 2010. That was the last time I used it. That was when I left him.

This scripture reminds me that life is a journey, sometimes perilous in our minds on our own level of understanding. I think of the phrase, "You'll have this."

Sometimes you need to be brave and do the courageous thing. Instead of climbing steps, you climb mountains with jagged rocks and cliffs. Brushburns occur haphazardly just by tripping a little and swiping the stones. You pick up little scrapes and bruises, but you venture on, knowing the journey has indescribable scenery with vibrant colors and fresh air. At the end of the journey there's extraordinary peace and abundant love--glory.

Sometimes it's like climbing a ladder. Don't look down. Keep looking up.

All things, even trials and distress, give you experience.

If suffering will give me greater glory, then I reckon I will have a dole full.

I will get through this.

I know you will, too.

Day of Freedom

August 14, 2010 was the day after I left my abusive marriage. That date has become the new anniversary of my life. My first day of freedom.

Three years ago today I woke up at a friend's house. I was homeless. I mean, I had a nice, comfy bed to sleep in, in a beautiful house, but . . .I had no home, no community, no job, no identity. I was moving over 2,000 miles away. I was a little depressed. I have to admit, I was very scared, too. But I had a lot of faith that I was doing the right thing. It was a leap of faith.

And I was free.

I had a party one year later with all my friends to celebrate My First Anniversary of Freedom. I was finally happy--and happily divorced. I felt so much lighter. My burdens were shaken off.

If you finally got a divorce, tell me about your special day of freedom. 

Am I On the Right Track?

I'd like to know if this is the kind of blog you're looking for.
I'm trying to help people know what will happen to them during the divorce process.
What information do you need?
What have you been through?
What can you share?

I'm hoping we can all help each other.

Divorce Settlement Agreements—What I’d Do Differently

One of the important steps in the divorce process is the Settlement Agreement. A piece of advice—get exactly how much money you want. Not just what you need. Now that I have 20-20 hindsight, I would do things a little differently.

I can’t be too hard on myself. I was afraid of my husband so I didn’t want to make any waves.

All of my friends urged me to get a lump sum because they knew he wouldn’t pay alimony. I couldn’t believe it. Even though my ex was an abusive, controlling, betraying person, my mind wouldn’t fathom him not being honest in his dealings with me. My friend, a divorce lawyer in another state, told me all of his court cases revolve around women who are trying to get the alimony owed by their deadbeat husbands.

My first glance at the reality my ex would not keep up alimony payments happened when he offered to give me only one year of alimony in an agreement he forged during divorce mediation. He thought he was being generous. In his mind, I didn’t deserve anything. He said he knew I would agree with him, in principle, that he put all the sweat equity into our marriage.

I asked him if he included the thirty-six months I spent being pregnant with his four children. Isn't that sweat equity? He wasn’t convinced what I did had any merit because he brought in the money. I think you get the picture of what I was up against.

We got our house appraised and put it on the market. He got nervous because we didn’t get one nibble in a month’s time. The market was in a downturn. He decided to take it off the market. After that, he actually told me he didn’t want a divorce. The writing was on the wall--he would have to buy me out. He didn’t want to.

He reasoned with me that our money was fluid, why should we get a divorce? He wanted everything to stay status-quo. After hearing that, I told him I did want a divorce, I would get a lawyer and a court order to get him out. He quickly changed his tune, knowing he would have to pay $$ for that.

In a short period of time, he became anxious to have me out. He was active on dating sites and probably had some nibbles.  After many back-and-forth counter agreements, I came up with a sum in my head and told him that’s what I wanted, and what he needed to do for me to “go away.”

We went to the bank to see how much they would give my husband in a loan to buy me out. It was short of the sum I wanted.

I gave in and took a lesser number because he threw up his hands and said he couldn’t give any more. Why did I give in? The difference I lost out on could have been his alimony payment in monthly installments for about two years. Two years of alimony after a 30+-year marriage. In Pennsylvania, I was entitled to one year of alimony for every three years of marriage.

I think I was anxious to make my exit, to protect myself, and I shied away from the confrontation it would have taken. I couldn't gamble with my life that his abuse wouldn't accelerate.

His mortgage payment turned out to be the same price someone would pay to rent an apartment. Even our mediator said he got a very good deal.

After I left and established myself with a full-time job in another state, but making a “supplemental income” three times less than what he makes, I felt cheated. The lump sum I received paid for a modest twin home, but I really could have used a monthly payment coming in on top of that lump sum.

I’m just saying. . . stick to your guns. Don’t back down. Don’t give in. Work out what you need and then add to that number. Protect yourself. Emergencies happen. I had an accident that involved two surgeries on my ankle. It took me a few years to pay this off. Alimony payments would have come in handy.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and I know it. I’m blessed that I got money from the house. My children are adults so I don’t have to worry about feeding my kids when the deadbeat doesn’t provide. I’m blessed to have a job and a reason to wake up in the morning. I am so blessed to have supportive friends and family.

What would you do differently in your divorce settlement?

PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Divorce: Part III

Edit 2017: PTSD that occurs in abusive marriages/childhoods is now called "Betrayal Trauma." When you put your trust in someone--spouse, parent, friend, teacher--and they are abusive and betray your trust. Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma, according to Jennifer Freyd's Betrayala Trauma Therory.

While journaling my divorce memoir, sometimes I actually broke out in hives. My keyboard tapped and sang; my mind was "in the zone,” until my arms started itching.

My concentration interrupted, I’d apply lotion to my arms. “Did a mosquito get in here?” I wondered.

Back to typing, it wasn’t long before my neck would itch, then my chest. I looked at my chin in the mirror and saw the hives. There was a rash on my upper torso.

Then it hit me.

“What am I writing about?” The passage didn’t seem too terribly disturbing, but I realized I had been at it all day, regurgitating the abusive treatment in my marriage. My body saw it as a traumatic event being relived. My psyche had all it could stand for one day. I took an anti-histamine.

I found out this is called a Psychosomatic event, or more modernly referred to as Somatoform Disorder. Hives come out when we’re overly stressed; some people break out in a sweat; others suffer from tension headaches or migraines. Chronic pain falls under this category of illness.

This disorder is common for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD. As I said before, PTSD used to be referred to as Shell Shock back in the day—Battle Fatigue, suffered by those in the military when exposed to prolonged killing, maiming, running for your life, distress of having one’s safety violated. The scars from such an ordeal as war are devastating. I don’t mean to equate my abusive marriage to what someone in a war zone has suffered for an extended period of time.

Yet, everyone’s body is different. What one person can take may be the end all for another.

So it is with a traumatic marriage, one where abuse has occurred for years or decades. The fear of constant bombardment of name calling, fist thumping, temper tantrums and holes in walls can send a woman into a kind of shell shock.

Everyone relates to verbal abuse differently. Fear can cause three reactions. In addition to fight and flight, there is also what I call fright (because it rhymes). Psychologists call it "freeze." That was my reaction to my (ex) husband’s verbal abuse. I would sit, eyes wide, body paralyzed, wondering if he was going to hit me, harm me, kill me. He never did, but the verbal abuse happened so often (sometimes several times per week), my mind had flashbacks many times per day, and especially during the abuse.

Over thirty years, I felt as if I’d been in the middle of a war zone. My body had had it, physically. My mind couldn’t take it anymore either. Thus, the PTSD and auto-immune diseases.

Now that I am away from that situation—and happily divorced—I find I can help myself during times of flashbacks, hives and whatever else comes down the pike. I recognize what’s happening and that is the beginning of healing—and dealing.

Following are some ways you can deal with the stress of a traumatic marriage and the decision to seek a divorce:

·        Ask for support from friends or family. They may not understand what you’re going through if they haven’t experienced it, but they should love you through it anyway.

·        Keep a journal. It’s very cathartic.

·        Find a support group for those who are victims of domestic abuse, if that’s your problem. It’s good to know you’re not alone in your plight.

·        Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise

·        Do something fun. Visit friends and family. Get your hair done—or your nails—or both. Do something that will help you feel better. Give yourself permission to laugh, socialize. Get out of the house and do things. Try a new activity.

·        Relaxation techniques. Try yoga or take a walk in the park. Look at the stars at night. B.r.e.a.t.h.e.

·        Talk therapy. Find a counselor who can help you through your hard times or talk to a friend who understands.

·        Please stay away from drugs and alcohol. It might be tempting to escape your troubles. I often said, I’m glad I don’t drink because I would be an alcoholic, if so.

·        Avoid major life decisions. I didn't take my own advice here. It’s usually said to wait a year before making changes, like moving or switching jobs. These are classified as types of grief, so it will add to the stress, grief, of a divorce. In my case, I felt I had to get far away. I left my home, my extended family, my friends, my community, my reputation—my identity—all behind me. I fled to the west where I had friends and two of my kids who could help me through what was to come.  It was a leap of faith. It was right for me.

·        Prayer works. Whatever your religion or level of spirituality, giving up your worries to a higher power, a Heavenly Father, can ease the load you carry. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I depend on Him still. I know He knows who I am. He knows my name. I feel His love for me.

It’s okay to mourn your loss. Divorce is a type of grief. You’ve just lost your marriage. It died. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. Heaven knows, you’ve been through the wringer.

What Say Ye?

I started journaling my divorce experience since I first found out about my ex-husband’s affair in 2009. I put it in a password-protected Word document on my computer. I didn’t want anyone to find out about it. I was embarrassed, humiliated, angry. . . if anyone read what I wrote—what would they think of me?

I let it all out during this journaling time. When I got to counseling, the therapist told me I should write it all down and get it all out. I told him I had already begun. It was cathartic. I could say whatever I wanted about my marriage and my (ex) husband and nobody would know about it—well, except God and my guardian angels. Yet, I felt Providence was leading me, guiding me to discovery about the terrible, awful secrets harbored by my spouse. Anything I said in my journal didn’t come close to comparing to what he was doing.

I found the pornography after we were in therapy. A legion of red flags was waving in front of my face. Still, I persisted in counseling and in “working on my marriage,” presumably with my spouse.

Since I moved out west, I have been taking that vitriolic verbiage and editing it into a memoir. I was hoping to publish it someday, but I don’t want my kids to read it. However, I do want others, who are going through the same thing I did, to read it.

Thus, this blog.

I would love to know how others of the same experience dealt with their ordeals. But I understand if you’re too afraid to comment. I urge you to comment anonymously. Whatever you say could be the exact thing another woman needs to hear.