Blog Archive

Thursday, July 25, 2013

My Favorite Book on Divorce

Book Review by Susan Knight


When I was going through my divorce, it seemed nobody could tell me a title to read which helped me with what I was going through.

Once I got to Utah, I just happened to find the book "Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery" at an author signing during one of the writing conferences I attended. Serendipity!

This book, by authors Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, answered all of my important questions. Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so stupid all those years?

I was lucky enough to meet one of the authors, Fay Klingler, at a library lecture. I brought the book along for her signature. I showed her that the book was highlighted on every page, and thanked her profusely.

My blog here is about the "Triple A." This book gave me more A's to think about. The chapter headings, the six steps, are: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Authorization, Accountability and Advancement.

In the Acknowledgments, Klingler wrote, "I used to think my story was unique, but I've learned that's not so. On the one hand I find it sad because that means, like me, others have been deeply hurt. But on the other hand, I find it exhilarating because it shows we share a resiliency, a desire to make life good in spite of our traumatic experiences."

I have said many times, and on this blog, I felt like I was the only one going through all the drama and heartache. I slowly learned there were many other women in the dark as to what happened to our marriages. We all had these burning questions. Our questions are addressed in this book.

Most of us have a healthy dose of denial our psyches just can't get through. We are also good people. Since we are good, we think everyone is good and could never do us any harm. This is what the predators (i.e., spouses/significant others) count on. This is how they gain control over us.

I never wanted to get a divorce. My ex-husband knew that and took advantage of it. If I was doing all the work in keeping the marriage together, why should he do any work? It's the greatest manipulation game. While I was reading, it was my first "ah-ha" moment.

The authors address a woman's safety. Many times with verbal abuse, the attitude can turn on a dime and become physical abuse. For those of you who are being abused, PLEASE run for your life. Seek help! Get out!

For many of us, it's the betrayal that finally initiates the beginning of the end of our marriages. While reading this book, I realized I was betrayed and that's what hurt so much. I couldn't put my finger on it. And those of us who are hurt so deeply--betrayed--find it very hard to trust people of the opposite sex again.

At the end of each chapter is a little work space, a plan, to write how we are going to overcome each of the "A" headings. I have to admit I didn't do this part. I'm not ready yet. I'm still going through a lot inside of me.

The last chapter is Advancement, the healing step. That's where this book will take you--when you're ready.

On page 139 is the statement, "Be patient with yourself. You won't suddenly forgive. You won't suddenly let go. It's more like the process of a flower in bloom."

Those words gave me hope.

I heartily endorse this book. It will help you see your arduous climb has an end. A light bulb will shine over your head and you will say aloud, "Ah-HA!"

Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery, Mapletree Publishing Company, 6233 Harvard Lane, Highlands Ranch, CO 80130,
www.mapletreepublishing.com, 184 pages.



Monday, July 22, 2013

Are Autoimmune Disorders Eating You Alive?

By Susan Knight

Whenever I hear that women have autoimmune diseases I straight away think, "I wonder if they're having marital problems?"

It's a natural reaction. I suffered with autoimmune diseases my whole married life. They come on gradually, like that story about the frog that is tossed into a pot of tepid water. The burner is turned on and the frog doesn't notice the gradual change in temperature until it's too late and it's cooked.

I was cooked, so to speak. The last marriage counselor I went to told me, very bluntly, that I was going to die. He said either my husband was going to kill me because his verbal abuse would turn into physical abuse, or I would die from the inside out from all the autoimmune diseases I had. Fibromyalgia and lupus were the biggest, followed by allergies that were added to almost on a yearly basis.

What was miraculous to me was, as I escaped my marriage and fled out west, I noticed a decided change in how I felt--even while driving across the country.

An autoimmune disorder occurs when the body's immune system starts attacking itself. For instance, pollen isn't harmful to the body, but people with pollen allergies have immune systems that perceive the pollen to be harmful. The body releases antibodies to destroy the so-called invading substance.

Did you read that right?  Yes. The body starts attacking itself.

This happens often in abuse and sexual abuse cases. It's not enough that we're being abused or molested, but our bodies, which are screaming at us that something is wrong, finally start attacking from the inside. This, in my opinion*, is because we have used up all our resistance in fighting the outward attacker, and now the attack has gone inward, but is misplaced.

The body is saying, "Okay. I give up. I really can't take this anymore." But the abuse keeps coming and there is nothing left with which to fight it. The body knows something is wrong, so it goes berserk fighting anything that comes along that seems foreign.

Some auto-immune disorders include Allergies, Dermatomyositis (type of skin rash), Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Celiac Disease-sprue (gluten sensitivity), Fibromyalgia, Type II diabetes, Hypoglycemia. **

Joints, muscles, connective tissue, red blood cells, skin, blood vessels, endocrine glands--these all can be affected. Symptoms include fatigue, fever, rash, hives, malaise (feeling ill in general), muscle pain, joint pain, and many more.

I also believe these auto-immune diseases cause situational depression and even major depressive episodes (what we used to call nervous breakdowns) because we don't feel well and don't know why. Everyone thinks we're hypochondriacs. We're not wearing band-aids, or casts.

The depression is two-fold. It's caused by being ill-treated by an abuser, plus being misunderstood by our friends.* Who wants to be around a downer person? So we put on a happy face to look good.

But a depression discussion will be left for another post.

Until then, examine your life. Is your body screaming at you?

Mine did. It was like a voice within me that was suppressed down in the basement or a dungeon, banging on the door, screaming, "Listen to me! Let me out! You know I'm right!"

But I wouldn't let it out. I wouldn't acknowledge it. I knew, deep, deep down, it was my husband who was causing me to feel like this. But I had to maintain the perfect family facade. I had to save face, look good.

I'm begging you. Please listen to your body. Your psyche, your inner self, knows you and only wants the best for you.

Listen, even though you're scared.  Don't wait thirty-three years like I did. Start to love yourself, and get help, if you need it.

The up side is, I am so much happier with myself. It's still hard to show emotion, though. I had to suppress it for so long. I have to remind myself to smile, or laugh. I am worthy to do those things, even though my abuser made me feel less worthy to show emotion--of any kind.

It's my prayer that my readers will realize they are worthy to be loved, to show emotion, trusting that the love is reciprocated by so many. I know it's hard. I am still trying. It's probably one of the steps I have left to climb. But I will succeed. . . some day.

*This is just my opinion, though I'm sure psychologists could back it up, like my marriage counselor did
**http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000816.htm

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Excerpt from My Memoir--verbal abuse

November 24, 2009


I am the loneliest married woman in the world. I can’t talk to my husband because he takes everything I say the wrong way. For instance, I know he likes to ride his bike and he was upset one day because he heard it was going to rain.

“Oh, no, I heard it's going to be sunny,” I told him, smiling.

He yelled, “Do you have to disagree with everything I say?”

I thought it would make him happy to hear it wasn’t going to rain, but it didn’t.

I just try to keep neutral. I neither smile nor frown. When I’m around him, my face is frozen like it’s lost the ability to move a muscle.  If he says something to me, I just say, “Uh-huh,” and say nothing more.

I forgot not to comment about the weather.

I’ve been married over thirty years and except for maybe the first two, I’ve been verbally abused. The first two were testing the waters for him. I failed miserably in the test. I actually had opinions about things. I found out quickly that wasn’t allowed.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Teen's Porn Brain Article Was Too Soft

By Susan Knight
 
Warning: this blog post may be too graphic for the faint-hearted.


We've all been there. One website led to another. Only this was an article about how porn affects teenage brains, and not porn itself. Click on the title below.
 

I think the article was too soft. It wasn't scary enough. The author should have delved more into what can and does happen to the brain when viewing, and getting addicted to porn.

The sad part was the comment section. Most of the comments were by teenagers who have NO IDEA!
 
The following is what I wrote in the comment section:
 
I didn't read every single comment because it got me too frustrated.

You all have no idea . . . really . . .

I was so naive about the harm pornography causes. For those of tender teenage years, you haven't lived through a marriage that was torn apart by a husband's pornography addiction that began in his teens.

He never knew or understood what true love is, or showing love through the sexual act, which should be a private display and not public. It's supposed to be intimate and beautiful, not public and rough and wretched.

First of all, pornography, like anything, will be addictive to those with addictive personalities. Not all people who drink alcohol become alcoholics. Some know when to stop drinking. Not all people become addicted to porn. At some point, they know when to stop watching and can stop themselves.

For those who don't stop, the pleasure part of their brains need more and more to be satisfied. What was titillating last week needs to be upgraded this week. It's the dopamine effect.

Addicts then proceed to advanced masturbation and cannot be satisfied by physical sex between man and woman because using one's hand causes more pleasing friction than a vagina. Normal sex is not supercharged enough. It's not like the porn they watch, forgetting that camera angles can be deceiving, and editing can create a beguiling fantasy. Not to mention, bodies that are enhanced by plastic surgery.

And don't fool yourselves. Women are degraded in pornography. It's too graphic to describe. Lives are ruined. It's a dirt-bag industry--billion-dollar industry.

The chemistry in porn-addicted brains changes, leading to a form of brain damage. Pornography reaches all five pleasure points of the brain. Heroin, three. Yes, it's more addictive than heroin and more is needed to satisfy. Then those images become all they think about, even at work. I would like to see the statistics of how many men are fired for viewing porn at work. I know of men in my own company who have been caught and fired. They cannot quit it to work.

Eventually, because the ruse of porn is obsessive and the craving can't be satisfied by real life, men stop having sex with their wives/girlfriends.

I knew a man who was involved with a gorgeous woman, a super-model, athletic type, but he chose porn and prostitutes who would give him the dirty-type sex he desired--porn--which his girlfriend knew was appalling and not how real lovers behave toward each other.

Women, who are co-dependents to this behavior, have self-esteem issues because the message they get is that they are not good enough for these sex addicts.

I didn't know any of this in my life until my husband's porn addiction came to light. I quickly found out what I was up against. It's like dealing with any other addict.

After my divorce, and I confided with a few about what happened and why, so many women came out of the woodwork to talk to me about their situations, similar to--and worse--than mine. We helped each other cope and we continue to help each other heal. It's a long road with many steps to climb.

Pornography is a betrayal like infidelity, especially when spouses view it in secret. Like all addicts, they lie, steal money from joint bank accounts to fund their addictions, seek prostitutes and, for some, go over to the darker side of deviant sexual behaviors. Oh, yes. It's true. Unfortunately, I know about it firsthand.

For those whose partners are OK with it . . . I suggest you examine your reasons for putting up with it. What is the purpose of it? Why is it OK for your intimacy to be so damaged yet acceptable? Wake up!

Unfortunately, you will find out, in the end, it's not worth it.
 
 
I don't know if my comment was published. Too graphic? I had to stop myself.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Excerpt From my Memoir: January 12, 2010

January 12, 2010

I’ve resolved that I’m not going to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.
I think Dee* feels weird talking to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need a sounding board.
She told me that if her husband ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.
“He would have to come to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to him.”
Unfortunately, I’m not as brave as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.
For thirty-three years I swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my body causing me physical and emotional pain.
That should have been a red flag. Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m too nice. I’m too in denial.
Before she left, Dee urged me to get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a bank and said she knows about these things.
 
*All names are changed