WHERE MIGHT I HAVE BEEN ALL THESE YEARS?

I just remembered I used to have this blog . . . It certainly helped me work out my thoughts and feelings about divorce. Divorce was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done lots of hard things.

I ended my writing in 2017, the year my house was involved in a fire. I never mentioned that on the blog. But I was in shock for a long time. Also, someone was interest in getting a book published that year on divorce caused by pornography and they thought I would be a good resource since so many people "came out" to me after my own divorce. That has never materialized. Nobody wants to publish such abhorrent knowledge. I can't blame them.

But I do believe that working out my life "after fire" was the main thing I did at that time. That whole ordeal didn't get remediated until more than a year after it happened. I also had two more surgeries on my ankle, one in August 2019 and one six months later in February 2020. That took almost everything I had to recuperate. I had more to deal with than divorce, which I wanted to "release" from my every day psyche.

Then there was the pandemic and then there was an earthquake . . . 

. . . and then I retired from my job. That made me happy to be able to do the things I've always wanted to do but had to work. Haha! Everything I love to do can be done in my house and by myself during a quarantine--writing, art, music, crochet, reading . . . I learned I am a social introvert. I like my me time, but also like intimate gatherings. That served me well in 2020.

And my grandchildren were born starting in 2019, and one almost every year since. My life has been full of love every day. When they're here, my house is a happy place.

I have to admit, though, I still have triggers that lead me back to the abuse. I ask God every night, why do I keep thinking about this? It's been long enough away from that ordeal. But I suppose there are so many issues involved that I am still learning . . . every day.

I recently came upon several YouTubes on Narcissism. I tell ya' . . . that might just explain everything. And coupled with pornography addiction . . . Oi. Both are pervasive behaviors.

This therapist is my favorite on narcissism: https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism. The videos are not too long and he has many that have answered lots of my questions. From there, others will pop up that might help you as well. Also, I've discovered a lot about empaths on YouTube. I know I am one, though I keep it tamped down now. Empaths are usually the perfect narcissist's prey. As is  stated in this blog, the nicer the person, the bigger the challenge for the narcissist. 

I'm not the same person I used to be. When I think of that person, who lived in an emotional prison, I think of the patsy I was. I don't want to be hoodwinked again--beguiled, deceived, betrayed . . . I am still damaged from that. I don't trust people--can't even think about it.

I truly miss the nice person I used to be all those many years ago. I am now a very guarded person where once I was friendly and outgoing. I'm cautious. I don't show emotion readily as I used to, not even with my children. I have to force myself to smile and laugh sometimes, saying to myself it's okay to smile; it's okay to laugh. It used to be he could bring up any issue with a smile or a laugh. I just kept my face and my demeanor "even" so as not to stir up trouble that might blindside me.

But my face feels good when I smile! And my grandchildren always make me smile, and I'm not afraid of being that nice, kind person to them.

I have to give myself some credit for overcoming the after effects of my marriage considering all that I experienced. But being divorced is not my identity anymore. I am a whole person all by myself. I've discovered my love language, if those really exist, is giving handmade gifts, which I try to do often. I love the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson about "Gifts":

". . . Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift, which one of my friends prescribed, is, that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought. But our tokens of compliment and love are for the most part barbarous. Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing. This is right and pleasing, for it restores society in so far to its primary basis, when a man's biography is conveyed in his gift, and every man's wealth is an index of his merit."

I must say, re-reading this blog from start to finish after so many years has been a walk down (the terrible-awful) memory lane. I found the video on Forgiveness to be helpful--again. I have released the terrible-awful over and over, but the C-PTSD follows me around to this day. Most will ask why? My answer is "I don't know." It just happens. I can't control when I'll be triggered and I have no control over responding to the PTSD. It's a trance. When I realize I'm in it, I do stop it. But minutes may go by. Many, many minutes.

I'm not sure I've released that terrible-awful completely, but the words of my friend--turn the other cheek and walk away--seem to be my answer for forgiveness. I walked 2,000 miles away. Another friend, who's a therapist, said I'd probably never be able to fully forgive, but to just stop judging him. There is One Who will be in charge of that one day. That has helped and has eased that burden. 

Also, he told me I have nothing to be ashamed of, or to apologize for. He should be the one who's afraid of me, not the other way around. What I'm actually afraid of is, on the few occasions we're in the same vicinity, at any moment I could spew a million hurts and rages at him. It takes all my restraint not to--which is why I could never be in an intimate setting with him. Even though he is the offender, I would look like the villain if that happened. He was just in town and at my granddaughter's primary program at church, which is probably why I'm triggering so much. But it will calm down eventually.

I do always like to combat the dark with being thankful for the light--the miracles that exist in my life. And I do thank God every day and every night for my now wonderful life. I have all I need. I am blessed. I have discovered my real self, and I like me very much. In fact, I discover new things all the time.

I now have grandchildren, and they bring me such joy and happiness. They are young enough at this point in time to not know why they have this single Grammy in their lives--without a male counterpart. I suppose it will be soon enough they will figure it out and question. But I hope I've shown them enough love that they, in turn, will love this Grammy, who loves them with my whole heart and soul. 

 

I hope this blog has helped the few people who have discovered it. I don't think I'll write again. I think readers will glean a lot of information from here if they need it. And, again, I'm sorry you might need this information. It's rough. I'll just keep it "out there" in cyberspace. I've never monetized it. I wrote for my own catharsis. I don't really want to be discovered, but a few have come forth and said it was helpful. That's all I can ask. 

“Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength just to let go.”

~ Ann Landers

Bloom Where You are Planted

This rings so true for me. There were times I was so depressed, I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand and I couldn't find any foothold with which to boost myself upward. I felt buried, but not only buried, but that pernicious roots and vines had engulfed me, wrapping around my whole body to keep me in my underground tomb.
In hindsight, I realize it as the refiner's fire taking me to a place I needed to be to realize I didn't want to be there anymore.
Now I am planted in a home 2,000 miles away from where I started, and blooming beautifully.

RESILIENCE and CONTROL

I took a great training at work yesterday. The graphic and list are from that training through Intermountain Healthcare.

The question asked was Are You Resilient?

A resilient person will go with the flow, see that she can't change the current situation, so adapts to do whatever is necessary to keep on keeping on.

For instance, if your toddler gets into your just-folded clothes in the laundry basket and strews them all over the room, you can become angry and scold and fly off the handle, resulting in resentment and confusion on your child's part; or you can look over the situation, see the big picture, and realize your toddler thought he was having fun and you might like to play, too. 

As you can see in the graphic below, there are things that are in your control, things you can influence, and things that are out of your control. You can control your attitude. You can influence a wayward child, but you can't control the way another person behaves. 

Now that I'm divorced, I've realized just how resilient I've become. My stress level has gone way down to point where I don't need any anti-depressants,or drugs to help me sleep. I was so afraid of leaving my abusive situation, but as I look back, I wish I would have had the courage to leave when I first had the feeling my marriage wasn't right. Instead, I waited thirty years.

I can't control the past. I can only enjoy the here and now.  I so want that for all of you who might be going through an abusive situation. Please recognize your worth.

The list below outlines a great way to take some small steps to overcome your need for control and find the Calgon moments in your life.

Make lemonade!

How can you increase your resilience?

Here are some small step experiments:

1. Do a self-evaluation. What are you doing that helps you be resilient? Where could you improve?

2. Journal for a day what stresses arise where you have no control. Track what you choose to do in those situations.

3. When you are feeling stressed, ask yourself three questions:

a. Am I stressed about something I don’t control?

b. How do I want to respond to this?

c. What can I do to influence this situation?

d. What can I control in this situation? (it may be just my attitude)

4. Take some time to write your mission statement. Identify what is most important to you and where you find comfort in difficult times. What gives you roots? What are you most committed to do in this life? Put it in a frame and post it where you see it everyday.

5. Make a list with two columns. On the left hand side, write down the most challenging situations you have experienced thus far in your life. In the right hand column, identify what growth you discovered because of that challenge. (How long did it take to make the discovery?)

• Does this remind you that you can do hard things?

• Did the characteristics of control, commitment or challenge affect your ability to bounce higher?

• In retrospect, what else helped you bounce higher with that experience?

6. Make a list of current concerns that you have, but of which you have no direct control. Examples may include: my job is changing; my child married someone I don’t like. Write down what you want your response to be in these situations.

• I’m going to understand how my job is changing by attending meetings and reading about the changes. I’m going to see this as a great challenge to increase my skills.

• I’m going to get to know my son-in-law better and identify his strengths.

7. Identify the most common times when you feel out of control. Is there a skill that would give you more control in these situations? For example, learning to say “no” gives you more control over your time and your energy. Learning how to reflectively listen with your teenager may increase your influence. How can you learn and practice this skill?

8. The next time you are feeling like a victim in a situation, ask yourself these three questions:

a. Am I pretending not to notice my role in this situation? (when you’re feeling like you’re a victim, not an actor)

b. Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this? (when you are making a person a villain)

c. What is the right thing to do right now to move toward what I really want? (when you are feeling hopeless)

9. Practice living in the now.

10. Find a role model of resilience.

RESILIENCE

braithwaiteinnovationgroup.com

Have Courage

In my book, Connected in Love, one of my characters, Cammie Bentley, is the wife of a verbally abusive man, Like all abused women, she is afraid of him. She's afraid to make waves. She's afraid to cross him. She's even afraid to voice her own opinions, knowing he will be upset and take it out on her by harangues, vindictive threats, and passive-aggressive actions.

The Main Character--protagonist--Mary Donohue, tries to convince her she must have courage to be able to stand up to him. Cammie is still afraid, even knowing she has to make a decision. His outbursts are escalating. What she doesn't know is, his pornography viewing is also escalating.

Mary convinces Cammie that courage does not mean you aren't afraid. Courage means you do what needs to be done despite being afraid.

What are you putting off because you're afraid?

Small Acts of Courage

“What may look like a small act of courage is courage nevertheless. The important thing is to be willing to take a step forward.”

~Dr. Daisaku Ikeda

Courage is what I lacked my whole life. I had too much fear. 

Fear can paralyze you.

Fear takes away your agency.

Fear overcomes you and swallows you up until the you in you doesn't exist anymore.

Courage is acting in spite of the fear. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not afraid.

But you do whatever it is you need to do anyway.

Fourth Year Anniversary of Flight to Freedom

August 14, 2014

 

Celebrating today the 4^th Anniversary of Freedom.

On this date in 2010, I woke up—homeless.

I slept in a nice, warm bed in the in-law suite of my best friend, but I realized, on awakening, I was homeless.

The day before, on what was, ironically, my 33^rd wedding anniversary, I left my husband, my home, my community, my ward family, my siblings, nieces and nephews. I left a job I loved, the reputation I had built for over twenty years in my community, and began my journey to freedom.

It wasn’t easy.

But if I did it, anybody can.

A post from my divorce memoir: The Year of My Divorce

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

August 14, 2010

August 13: Anniversary of Old Life.

August 14: Inauguration of New Life

Today I am officially homeless.

I mean, I woke up in a cozy bed in a huge, beautiful room at Kathy’s, but yesterday, I left my home of twenty years forever.

Months ago it seemed like this day wouldn’t get here soon enough. I remember saying “2010 is going to be the longest year of my life,” and it has been. And it ain’t over yet.

Divorce is a long process. And it won’t be final until January 1 or thereafter. But at least I won’t have to see him—or hear him—every day. I’ve chosen to go far away. I don’t think I could bear being anywhere near him, or happen to run into him for any coincidence. Far away is the only place for me to go.

Today, I’m feeling down. My identity is gone. I don’t have a job to feel useful in. I don’t have a marriage. I don’t have a home.

But I do have faith in God that I will be well taken care of and looked after. I have a fine family and many faithful friends. I am full of hope.

It’s just . . . today I am homeless.

Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?

By Susan Knight

Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.

It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.

Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

Stuck on Another Step

 

 

I said in my last blog that receiving that check in the mail, which ended three months of back-and-forth with lawyers, has caused me to find some happiness. The happiness is not in receiving the money, but in knowing I used courage to stand up to him and won the battle.

I hope I don't have to repeat that. Perhaps he now knows he is being watched by more than just me. However, I think the courage step will be well-worn before the last battle is over.

I have also been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is hard. I would much rather repent than forgive.
I've been sitting on the courage step now, just sitting, my legs dangling over, looking down at all the many, tall steps I've conquered. I've climbed a mountain of steps. I now look up at the monstrous step of forgiveness and am daunted.
I thought the courage step was intimidating.

I've been reading a lot about forgiveness, and friends have told me it takes a while, like a flower unfolding; you won't even realize it's happened. Some have said it's not a destination, it's a journey.
I know I have to forgive--not for him, but for me.

There's a scripture in my church: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive. Of you it is required to forgive all men." I think about that often.

Even though I have forgiven him seventy times seven--million--times, I know this time is the one that counts the most for me. I have to forgive him, not in a co-dependent way, but in a godly way, so I can let go of all the hurt and pain of the past. This is courageous forgiveness. It will take great faith and hope and patience.

I know he will never change toward me. He will always harbor the abusive attitude. He will always try to initimidate and lord it over me. He will always see himself as a victim. Working through the lawyers taught me that. I just have to tell myself it doesn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Like a mantra.

It's been five years since I learned of his infidelities. In a few days, it will be three years since the divorce decree was granted. Hallelujah! That piece of paper proclaimed my freedom from him.

Now I need the freedom forgiveness will bring.

Legs still dangling, I wonder, where do I start? I look above me at the gigantic next step and wonder, how do I do this?

Happiness Achieved

Happiness

 

If you've been following my blog, you will know the significance of this figurine. If not, I'll tell you here. A few posts ago, I said if the ex ever stepped up to keep his part of the divorce settlement, I would display "Happiness" on my blog.

I found two figurines, Courage and Happiness. Courage is on my blog as a constant reminder of what I need to keep climbing those Divorce Steps. I bought Happiness with the hope I could display it when the lawyer battle was over and victory was achieved.

I've been away for a month or so. I took a trip to Florida for my niece's wedding, then, when I got home I developed an illness that I have had to get through. My writing took a back seat to these other things, including my new puppy, Tobey. (House-training secrets are welcome in the comments!)

So, the saga continued through October until, finally, my lawyer told his lawyer that if he didn't pay me the money he owed me by the end of October, he would be taken to court.

I have to confess, I did not want to do this. The thought of having to be in a courtroom with him made me physically ill. I spoke in that other post about how I went to a therapist and how she helped me battle my fear and find Courage. And I couldn't have done it without my friends giving me kind and strong support.

Lo, and behold, on October 30, I came home from work to the mail and what did I find? An envelope from "him." In it was a check. I couldn't believe it. After three years, he finally paid on the debt he owed me. In fact, when I got back from Florida, another check arrived--his back alimony payments, well, some of them.

Yes, I did the happy dance, and I immediately displayed this lovely figurine on my mantle with my Christmas Nativity.

 

I know it sounds strange, at least to me, and it has nothing to do with money, but knowing that this battle is over, really has made me very happy. It's as if a burden was lifted. I stood my ground, for one of the very few times in my marriage (un-marriage now), and conquered my fears.
I feel as if the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, has once again guided me through this tough ride, prompting me to take it on in the first place, then egging me on with the help of some very significant friends in my life, to accomplish this fearsome thing.
I really feel as if I have climbed another tall, dreadful, frightening step in this divorce saga. It was one of the hardest yet. Yay, me.

This portrays exactly how I feel. Bluebirds of Happiness are flying around me and landing on me. I know, if you put forth the work and have Courage, you could climb this step as well. Whatever in your life is getting you down, you can conquer it. Though the climb is steep, if you take a deep breath--really breathe deeply, pray, ponder, pray again--success will be yours.

Like the Cowardly Lion of Oz who overcame his obstacles in life, you will achieve Courage.

If I can do it, I know YOU can, too.

 

 Courage

 



Keep Calm and Carry On

I found this wooden decoration at my favorite gift store. It was the theme at work last year, so it sits on top of my file cabinet in my cubicle behind my desk. Sorry it's a blurry picture. I took it with my dumb phone (I don't have a smart phone).

It's a good platitude for my life right now, too. I gaze on the words off and on all day long.

Still no end in sight of ex-husband's stall tactics during this, so far, two-month back-and-forth with the lawyers. Even knowing in advance--convincing myself--he wouldn't be true to his signature and promises, I still had something inside of me that thought he would.

Silly me.

I also have this wooden decoration sitting in front of my desk. It keeps me grounded.

I Found "Courage"

I love this Willow Tree angel. Its name is "Courage." It's new and I found it at exactly the time I needed it. I whined about my lawyer/deadbeat husband woes in a previous post. I saw a counselor, talked to my friends, blah, blah, blah, then went to my favorite gift store and this little angel signaled to me to hang in there. Serendipity! She is now displayed on my mantle. I also got a figurine called "Happiness." I'll display that one when I hear from my lawyer that my ex finally agreed to do everything he agreed to do three years ago.

If anyone else out there is going through deadbeat husband woes, I feel ya'. I have found prayer works wonders. Shedding the burden and giving it to the Lord makes me feel light again.

I heard an awesome quote today by Jeffrey R. Holland: "Hope is never lost." When you think about it, it makes so much sense. I will never ever think again that I've lost all hope. That's just silly.

Excerpt From My Memoir--Finding the Porn

Spoiler alert--adult content

March 4, 2010

I can’t believe this is happening to me! As if my life couldn’t get any worse . . .

 

With Jerry* out of town on his "mini-vacation," I couldn’t sleep. Thinking he may have taken the money out of our checking account, I got up and searched around in his desk for the check book and couldn’t find it. He moves things around all the time and doesn’t tell me, like it’s none of my business. I was afraid maybe he took it with him. I already felt abandoned.

I looked in all his drawers and couldn’t find it anywhere, so I started looking in the same places all over again. My head was reeling. My thoughts traveled a mile a minute through the past and into the future and back to the present.

His top desk drawer is deep, so I pulled it all the way out and saw some CDs, which distracted me. I wondered if one was the CD I gave him of his family history. I thought I should make copies for the kids.

A DVD in the pile jumped out at me like a poisonous snake. I recoiled as I saw the cover. Pornography.

I let out a short, startled scream, then remembered Leah down the hall in bed. I started breathing so fast I thought I was going to pass out. My heartbeat was deafening.

I looked at the cover for a second and had to look away. It was disgusting. Lewd. I didn’t want to touch it. I can barely write about it.

I took it downstairs to my computer and put it in the DVD drive. The images that popped out at me on the screen made me want to throw-up right there on the spot. I mean, projectile vomit! I couldn’t watch more than two seconds of each segment. I kept hitting the forward button.

Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. There must have been at least a dozen segments. I have no idea how long they are. I kept hitting “forward.” How does one wash out one’s mind with soap?

I am officially humiliated, disgraced,  mortified. Those young women on that DVD didn’t even look as old as his daughters. My lip went up in a snarl and I really hated that man at that minute. If Leah wasn’t asleep in her room, directly above my computer, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs!

And to think I’ve been blaming myself all these years for him not wanting to have sex with me. He would rather sit and watch those girls while – . I mean, I was there, every night, lying next to him in bed, but he would rather – Ew!

* Names are changed

I'm Going to Do It.

I really need this quote. It appeared on a day this week when I had almost given up, lost hope. I think I’ve fallen down a step or two this past month or so.

After three years, my ex-husband is rearing his ugly head and fighting me about keeping up with his part in our MSA (Marriage Settlement Agreement). I phoned a lawyer back in my home state for advice (I have legal benefits through my insurance at work), I emailed her my paperwork, she emailed him, he got a lawyer, his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, both agreed he is a cheap jerk (their words, not mine). Nevertheless, ex-husband wants to make a deal with me before he’ll keep his part of the bargain. I can’t believe he wants to deal when he is the one not doing his part. My lawyer agrees. We’ll see what his lawyer says.

I suppose women go through this all the time. My lawyer friend said most of his court appearances are due to deadbeat husbands not keeping up with alimony/agreements. (And why would I expect a liar/cheater/abuser to keep up with a bargain he made and signed his name to? Call me crazy.)

I realize everyone has their own truth. My truth to this matter is most likely 180 degrees from my ex-husband’s truth. His truth tells him that I got enough from him, even though we split our assets, and even though we were married thirty-three years and his income is way more than mine (that’s how the court looks at it).

His truth says, if I want him to do something (keep up his agreement), then I have to give up something (make a deal). In other words, what’s in it for him? (Maybe his lawyer didn’t inform him he is in “contempt of court.”)

My dilemma is, I don’t like confrontation. But I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

This whole thing is causing my PTSD to resurface big time. I was in a safe place, emotionally, for the last three years. I know I’m in a safe place physically, yet I am fearful.

I went to a counselor this past week and she helped me to see he can’t hurt me anymore, so I shouldn’t be afraid of him. The counselor told me that having courage (to stand up for myself) does not mean there’s no fear. I never thought that way before. She’s right. Everything I did during this divorce, every step I’ve conquered, was despite the fear I felt.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and she said if I stand up to him, he will see that I won't take his abuse anymore. He'll realize he can't bully me anymore. Wise words. I'm taking it all in.

The more I think about it, the more I am determined to stand up for myself. I need to climb that step again. I’m going to do it. No matter what. It won't be easy, and it won’t always be this way. I’ll take one day at a time.

Learning

When I said this blog is one of “self-realization,” as I did in the sidebar, I had a couple meanings in mind for that concept.

 

First, this blog is not a “self-help” blog. In other words, I don't feel like such an expert on getting over this divorce crisis in my life that I can write the “Five Ways to an Amicable Divorce”, or "Ten Steps to Divorce Recovery"—or any number of ways to do anything related to divorce. The process of living through it is sometimes enough to handle without numbering my issues.

 

Second, it is to help me realize what my problems are, to try to overcome them, using blogging as a cathartic process.

But now it seems I can write five ways to do or not to do something, and even put it in a three-part series. It’s a little self-help, so there you have it. Serendipity.

I have told many women going through a crisis they should blog as a journal. Their first reaction is, “I don’t want anybody to read what I write!”

I tell them they can set up a blog so that nobody has access to it. I have one that nobody reads. Yes, as if this blog doesn’t contain enough terrible-awful things, I actually have a blog full of vitriol that no one will ever read. It’s my catharsis, in a twisted way. I can say whatever I want to, without any judgments.

 

My third reason for creating this blog is that it helps others self-actualize, analyze, think twice or three times about a life where divorce is imminent, ongoing, or done with. It’s my wish that, by sharing my experiences, I can show that divorce stinks, but is sometimes necessary, and here are the steps I went through. Maybe you can learn from my marriages mistakes and my divorce discoveries.

I’d like to learn from you, too.

 

 

A Woman's Plimsoll Line: an excerpt from my memoir

September 30, 2010

I found an interesting article on the internet about a woman’s plimsoll line. I didn’t even know what a plimsoll line was until I read it. It’s a marked waterline on the side of a ship used by sailors to let them know when the boat is filled and can’t take on any more cargo.

If you look at a plimsoll line as the “last straw” or “crossing the line,” then this analogy works very well for women who are/were abused or victims of infidelity. I hit my plimsoll line this year. I couldn’t take on any more of his nonsense. My burden over the years accumulated and it became too great to bear . . .

 

Each woman's plimsoll line is unique. Each woman's burden is her own to carry, or discharge if the line is breached.

 

I remember drawing that line, on the kitchen table, back in February. I told him, "This is the line. I am here. She is there, on the other side. You need to choose."

 

What I didn't know then was that the choice was really mine, and had been all along.

 

Some Financial Advice For While You’re Still Married

I am the last person to give financial advice. This is only what I wish I had done before it came to divorce.

I was a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time jobs. I had no college education to be able to gain a better salary. When I graduated high school, women didn’t need college educations unless they were going to be nurses or teachers. Times have changed.

I realize now I should have taken more interest in our financial affairs during my marriage. Money talk went right over my head. My eyes glazed over. If I saw a dollar sign, my brain shut off.
Denial!

And besides, he didn't want me to know how much money he really made . . . *face palm*

Funny, now that I’m divorced, this is what I have to conquer on a monthly basis when bills are due. It's not so scary now. I learned how to budget. See what money is coming in and plan for bill payment. Write a check or go online and pay the bill.

What’s not easy is worrying about having the money to do it. So far so good for me. I don't know what the future may hold.

But I digress.

Protect yourself now. If you’re thinking divorce is in your future, take control. Work with your spouse on your financial profile. I had never helped my husband prepare our taxes. Never. Ever. And he liked it that way. It was another way of keeping control.

Imagine my surprise when I helped him prepare our taxes for the last time—so I could see how it’s done. It was then I learned how much money my husband really made. He made it seem we were always in a financial crisis. He led me to believe we were living just above poverty level. He demanded I work—full-time—not part-time as I had been doing so I could be home with our kids. I found out he made six figures--without my puny part-time wage.

My part-time job finally went full-time the year before our divorce process started. But my ex was never satisfied. We never had enough money because of his indiscriminate and secretive spending.
By not knowing our financial position, I didn’t spot his skimming of our accounts. I didn’t realize what he was spending on himself—all the while telling me not to buy groceries, sometimes for three weeks in a row. I would question his purchases, but he always told me, “Don’t worry about it.” So I didn’t. I was in total denial. I, erroneously, trusted him.

Words of advice:

·       Women, check your bank accounts on a weekly basis. You can do this online now. Your husband most likely already set up a password. Get it from him.

·       Know where all the documents are for your finances. Mine were in a desk in his “man cave.” He resented me going through “his” files. I had to remind him they were “our” files. Once the divorce was on, I found out later he hid some money in a secret savings account. I couldn’t prove it. Well, I could have, if I wasn’t emotionally drained during the divorce process. If I would have found out about it sooner, I wouldn’t have been hoodwinked.

·       Work together on paying your bills every month. If he doesn’t like it, compromise and each pay half of the bills with joint money. Tell him it will give you experience in case something happens to him.

·       Get a credit card in your own name while you’re still married—if you have good credit. If your spouse pays the bills in a timely manner, you probably have a good credit score. Once you get your own credit card, pay the whole amount off every month. Don’t spend what you don’t have and this will be easy.

·       Work together on preparing your taxes.

·       Know about his 401K and your IRA, if you have one.

I know this might sound scary to some of you, but it’s essential in protecting yourself from a calamity that will affect your whole life after your divorce, if you get one.

Does anybody have any other advice?

Does Mediation Only Give the Appearance of an Amicable Divorce?

             As I said before, one of the rules of mediation in my (former) state is that the spouses put all their funds into one joint account. We also had to stay in the house together or we would be considered abandoning it, or abandoning the marriage and, therefore, mediation could not take place.

I’m sorry. That is wrong.

I'm not saying mediation is wrong. I just think the rules have to be tweaked a bit.

I realize mediation gives the appearance of an amicable divorce, but in most cases, I’m sure it’s not why people want to mediate.

People are getting a divorce for a “reason.” Most of the time one or the other is cheating, lying, abusing, has dark secrets, is a narcissist—the list goes on. (Refer to my post on June 19, 2013 of top reasons why people divorce)

I believe, even in mediation, the accounts should be halved, or 60-40—whatever the court will allow—and the offending party should move out.*

The only reason I went through the mediation process was because I heard it didn’t take as long as a regular divorce and I wanted out of there fast. Since it doesn’t take as long, it’s cheaper.

Most states are “no fault” so it doesn't matter who the adulterer, liar or narcissist is. Tell the lawyer you fear for your life. I did at one point, but she seemed unmoved by that. She must have thought, “They’re here mediating, so it can’t be that bad.”

I pushed an end table in front of the bedroom door to make noise if he tried to get in, and slept with scissors under my pillow, next to my cell phone set to call 9-1-1-. I was fearful. I had been verbally abused for over thirty years. He was acting erratic. He had a girlfriend. I found his porn—all this on top of the abuse, lying and skimming money from our account.

In my case, I just wanted to mediate so I could get out of the marriage as soon as possible.

Because my ex took money out of our joint accounts, I decided to take some of our money and open up a new account in my name only to protect myself. My friends, ecclesiastical leader—even our marriage counselor—told me to do it.

I felt defeated when I heard the mediator say, “You need to put all of your money into one account.”

My heart dropped. My husband gloated victory.

After I put the money back, he spent our joint account down to almost nothing. He got his own credit card and spent a thousand dollars at a pop. I got one too. I spent seven dollars.

• Did you use a mediator for your divorce?
• Were you pleased with the results?
• What would you have done differently?
• I'd love a lawyer's opinion on the subject.

Are you considering mediation? You might want to check your state laws to see what is best for you before you decide.

*Just my two cents, as always

Just Sayin'