C-PTSD--I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS A THING

I just found a blog for those who are going through C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I never heard of it before, but if you're like me, and have suffered the flashbacks and debilitating symptoms of living with an abusive or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) person, this blog article is for you.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/10/living-with-c-ptsd-following-an-abusive-relationship/


Let me know what you think. What's YOUR story?
 

This Is Why I Have This Blog.

True Colors

This is good to remember, especially for recovering co-dependents like me. If something doesn't seem right, it isn't. Don't try to fix it. Take care of yourself. 

Put on your oxygen mask first. 

Then skedaddle out of there.

Small Acts of Courage

“What may look like a small act of courage is courage nevertheless. The important thing is to be willing to take a step forward.”

~Dr. Daisaku Ikeda

Courage is what I lacked my whole life. I had too much fear. 

Fear can paralyze you.

Fear takes away your agency.

Fear overcomes you and swallows you up until the you in you doesn't exist anymore.

Courage is acting in spite of the fear. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not afraid.

But you do whatever it is you need to do anyway.

Verbal Abuse, Part II: depression is destructive

By Susan Knight

Have you ever seen the 1941 movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Spencer Tracey and Ingrid Bergman?

I couldn't watch it. I tried, but I realized something hit home for me. . .I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The realization that I was being verbally abused hadn't arisen from the deep, dark recesses of my psyche. That took someone blatantly telling me I was verbally abused by my husband.

How shocking that was. A friend called me from across the country to tell me. It came at a good time. God is good. His timing is excellent. Had she called me at any other time, I wouldn't have believed her and probably never spoken to her again, as I was keen on saving face, looking good.

She called me the week my husband went on a business trip, right after telling me "I have no desire for you," and refused to be intimate with me. I was devastated. Up until that point, I believed he loved me, despite how he treated me. Those words--that sentence--became the beginning of the breakdown of my cover-up, knowing my married life was a lie.

Thank you, friend, for having the courage to call me long distance (in those days) and tell me my husband was verbally abusing me. She had noticed it when we were on a vacation in Utah. Probably more people noticed it, too, but denied it like I did.

Watch this YouTube music video of segments of Ingrid Bergman's portrayal of an abused woman and follow my play-by-play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rT02hKWxyw.  *
My commentary is in italics. You can read that after you watch.

-As you watch, notice how Champagne Ivy Pearson is vivacious and spunky in the beginning when Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes into her life. She is in love. This is how it was with me. I think the spunkier, smarter, happier you are, the more the abusive predater sees you as prey. He must win you. He must have you. You are a challenge.

-Mr. Hyde amps up his abuse, but she still thinks this is the man she loves and who loves her. When my ex first starting showing signs of anger (right after the honeymoon), I wrote it off as him having a bad day. He had many bad days.

-She is cautious, yet gives him the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt happened almost every day for me. How about you?

-She pretends he is the same person she loves and thinks he loves her. As good people, we can't believe that everyone isn't good like us. We turn the other cheek. We deny what is really going on.

-He gets full control of her. He won't let her out of the house. She isn't allowed to have friends in. She doesn't know what to believe. She chooses to believe he is the man she loves. This happened every day. Every day.

-She becomes depressed. She is confused.  Did you know "confusion" is at the bottom of the ladder of abuse? Teasing is the firtst rung; confusion is the second.

-She is afraid of him now, but she is still confused. She blames herself. Maybe it's because of something she did.  This is how they get you.

-A friend sneaks in to see her, consoles her, and Ivy opens up. Friends are the ones who save you--let you know how wrong you are. They let you know you are worth being saved.

-Ivy is in the throes of depression, sinking in the quicksand. She drinks to try to put it out of her mind. Some drink, some take pills. I couldn't have lived without Prozac, which I took for the last 15 years of my marriage. Without it, I would have killed myself. Yes, literally. I thought about it quite often. I thank my Heavenly Father that I had the courage NOT to drive into that stone wall or telephone pole.

-She acquiesces to his abuse. She knows she can't control it. She begins to hate him, yet, she can't believe he would hurt her. She doesn't realize how hurt she already is. She is abused. She is ruined and she realizes it. In the movie, she wants to commit suicide and asks Dr. Jekyll to help her.

How many major depressive episodes have you had? Depression, auto-immune diseases, PTSD loops--these are hints, the symptoms, that something is wrong with your life. Please don't let it be so obvious to others, and denied by yourself. Please address the issue of your verbally abusive marriage, or any abusive relationship you are in, or have had in the past.

And one more thing. At the end of my marriage, when I was so depressed, so betrayed, so out of my mind, our marriage counselor told me to get out of my marriage as quickly as possible. He said either my ex was going to kill me (verbal abuse can turn on a dime to physical abuse **), or I would kill myself.

Imagine how that made me feel. And, for once, I actually believed him. No other therapist had ever said that. Luckily he could see my ex-husband for what he really was--a narcissist, an adulterer, bi-polar, angry. None of the other therapists ever could.


* The song, "She Couldn't Laugh," which accompanies this music video, is also a beautiful rendition of verbal abuse.


***Spoiler alert *** 

If you know the movie, you know how it ends. Mr. Hyde kills Ivy. He kills his fiancee's father, then his best friend ends up killing Mr. Hyde. If you have the courage to watch, please do. You might see yourself in that movie and wonder why you're putting up with verbal and/or physical abuse.

Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?

By Susan Knight

Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.

It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.

Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

I'm Going to Do It.

I really need this quote. It appeared on a day this week when I had almost given up, lost hope. I think I’ve fallen down a step or two this past month or so.

After three years, my ex-husband is rearing his ugly head and fighting me about keeping up with his part in our MSA (Marriage Settlement Agreement). I phoned a lawyer back in my home state for advice (I have legal benefits through my insurance at work), I emailed her my paperwork, she emailed him, he got a lawyer, his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, both agreed he is a cheap jerk (their words, not mine). Nevertheless, ex-husband wants to make a deal with me before he’ll keep his part of the bargain. I can’t believe he wants to deal when he is the one not doing his part. My lawyer agrees. We’ll see what his lawyer says.

I suppose women go through this all the time. My lawyer friend said most of his court appearances are due to deadbeat husbands not keeping up with alimony/agreements. (And why would I expect a liar/cheater/abuser to keep up with a bargain he made and signed his name to? Call me crazy.)

I realize everyone has their own truth. My truth to this matter is most likely 180 degrees from my ex-husband’s truth. His truth tells him that I got enough from him, even though we split our assets, and even though we were married thirty-three years and his income is way more than mine (that’s how the court looks at it).

His truth says, if I want him to do something (keep up his agreement), then I have to give up something (make a deal). In other words, what’s in it for him? (Maybe his lawyer didn’t inform him he is in “contempt of court.”)

My dilemma is, I don’t like confrontation. But I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

This whole thing is causing my PTSD to resurface big time. I was in a safe place, emotionally, for the last three years. I know I’m in a safe place physically, yet I am fearful.

I went to a counselor this past week and she helped me to see he can’t hurt me anymore, so I shouldn’t be afraid of him. The counselor told me that having courage (to stand up for myself) does not mean there’s no fear. I never thought that way before. She’s right. Everything I did during this divorce, every step I’ve conquered, was despite the fear I felt.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and she said if I stand up to him, he will see that I won't take his abuse anymore. He'll realize he can't bully me anymore. Wise words. I'm taking it all in.

The more I think about it, the more I am determined to stand up for myself. I need to climb that step again. I’m going to do it. No matter what. It won't be easy, and it won’t always be this way. I’ll take one day at a time.

Be Kind. Sympathize.

Oh, how I know this so well. Looking back, I can't imagine what my friends thought of me. I always felt poorly. Depression, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Hypoglycemia, chronic back pain . . . these dis-eases invaded my body and made me old before my time. I was fighting a hard battle.
The reason why I am happily divorced is because I now have none of the autoimmunes. They all disappeared on my two-week, cross-country journey as I escaped the old and welcomed my new life.


I hope, if you are fighting a hard battle, if you suffer from dis-ease, you will feel well again, too.

I Will Get Through This

I just read this post today:
Suffering is required for exaltation.
From Romans 8:16-18:

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

I get a Scripture-a-Day sent to my email. Sometimes it gives me light. Sometimes it makes me think.

I know what this says is true, but this message came at a difficult time right now. I just found out my ex was in my own hometown visiting with my kids. They didn't tell me.

I wouldn't have told me either. 

When I saw their pictures posted on Facebook, my PTSD kicked in big time. I woke my daughter up from a sound sleep asking if he was still here. She was visibly annoyed. Seeing my wide and wild-eyed expression, she must have thought I was crazy. (Maybe I am, a little.)

I'm mostly damaged.

I spent last night, late, searching through my bathroom trying to find the Prozac. Yes, I felt that frantic. I finally found it, but the expiration date was from 2010. That was the last time I used it. That was when I left him.

This scripture reminds me that life is a journey, sometimes perilous in our minds on our own level of understanding. I think of the phrase, "You'll have this."

Sometimes you need to be brave and do the courageous thing. Instead of climbing steps, you climb mountains with jagged rocks and cliffs. Brushburns occur haphazardly just by tripping a little and swiping the stones. You pick up little scrapes and bruises, but you venture on, knowing the journey has indescribable scenery with vibrant colors and fresh air. At the end of the journey there's extraordinary peace and abundant love--glory.

Sometimes it's like climbing a ladder. Don't look down. Keep looking up.

All things, even trials and distress, give you experience.

If suffering will give me greater glory, then I reckon I will have a dole full.

I will get through this.

I know you will, too.

PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Divorce: Part III

Edit 2017: PTSD that occurs in abusive marriages/childhoods is now called "Betrayal Trauma." When you put your trust in someone--spouse, parent, friend, teacher--and they are abusive and betray your trust. Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma, according to Jennifer Freyd's Betrayala Trauma Therory.

While journaling my divorce memoir, sometimes I actually broke out in hives. My keyboard tapped and sang; my mind was "in the zone,” until my arms started itching.

My concentration interrupted, I’d apply lotion to my arms. “Did a mosquito get in here?” I wondered.

Back to typing, it wasn’t long before my neck would itch, then my chest. I looked at my chin in the mirror and saw the hives. There was a rash on my upper torso.

Then it hit me.

“What am I writing about?” The passage didn’t seem too terribly disturbing, but I realized I had been at it all day, regurgitating the abusive treatment in my marriage. My body saw it as a traumatic event being relived. My psyche had all it could stand for one day. I took an anti-histamine.

I found out this is called a Psychosomatic event, or more modernly referred to as Somatoform Disorder. Hives come out when we’re overly stressed; some people break out in a sweat; others suffer from tension headaches or migraines. Chronic pain falls under this category of illness.

This disorder is common for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD. As I said before, PTSD used to be referred to as Shell Shock back in the day—Battle Fatigue, suffered by those in the military when exposed to prolonged killing, maiming, running for your life, distress of having one’s safety violated. The scars from such an ordeal as war are devastating. I don’t mean to equate my abusive marriage to what someone in a war zone has suffered for an extended period of time.

Yet, everyone’s body is different. What one person can take may be the end all for another.

So it is with a traumatic marriage, one where abuse has occurred for years or decades. The fear of constant bombardment of name calling, fist thumping, temper tantrums and holes in walls can send a woman into a kind of shell shock.

Everyone relates to verbal abuse differently. Fear can cause three reactions. In addition to fight and flight, there is also what I call fright (because it rhymes). Psychologists call it "freeze." That was my reaction to my (ex) husband’s verbal abuse. I would sit, eyes wide, body paralyzed, wondering if he was going to hit me, harm me, kill me. He never did, but the verbal abuse happened so often (sometimes several times per week), my mind had flashbacks many times per day, and especially during the abuse.

Over thirty years, I felt as if I’d been in the middle of a war zone. My body had had it, physically. My mind couldn’t take it anymore either. Thus, the PTSD and auto-immune diseases.

Now that I am away from that situation—and happily divorced—I find I can help myself during times of flashbacks, hives and whatever else comes down the pike. I recognize what’s happening and that is the beginning of healing—and dealing.

Following are some ways you can deal with the stress of a traumatic marriage and the decision to seek a divorce:

·        Ask for support from friends or family. They may not understand what you’re going through if they haven’t experienced it, but they should love you through it anyway.

·        Keep a journal. It’s very cathartic.

·        Find a support group for those who are victims of domestic abuse, if that’s your problem. It’s good to know you’re not alone in your plight.

·        Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise

·        Do something fun. Visit friends and family. Get your hair done—or your nails—or both. Do something that will help you feel better. Give yourself permission to laugh, socialize. Get out of the house and do things. Try a new activity.

·        Relaxation techniques. Try yoga or take a walk in the park. Look at the stars at night. B.r.e.a.t.h.e.

·        Talk therapy. Find a counselor who can help you through your hard times or talk to a friend who understands.

·        Please stay away from drugs and alcohol. It might be tempting to escape your troubles. I often said, I’m glad I don’t drink because I would be an alcoholic, if so.

·        Avoid major life decisions. I didn't take my own advice here. It’s usually said to wait a year before making changes, like moving or switching jobs. These are classified as types of grief, so it will add to the stress, grief, of a divorce. In my case, I felt I had to get far away. I left my home, my extended family, my friends, my community, my reputation—my identity—all behind me. I fled to the west where I had friends and two of my kids who could help me through what was to come.  It was a leap of faith. It was right for me.

·        Prayer works. Whatever your religion or level of spirituality, giving up your worries to a higher power, a Heavenly Father, can ease the load you carry. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I depend on Him still. I know He knows who I am. He knows my name. I feel His love for me.

It’s okay to mourn your loss. Divorce is a type of grief. You’ve just lost your marriage. It died. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. Heaven knows, you’ve been through the wringer.

PTSD—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Part II

It was a dream—a nightmare. It felt real. It was three-dimensional. I would swear it really happened.

A few days before my son was to move out, I dreamt that he and my daughter were in my kitchen on moving day. My sons-in-law were in the basement getting the furniture. My son and my daughter were having a conversation with gestures to the door and glances at me.

I asked, “What are you whispering about?”

They looked at each other and my son said, “Dad’s here and he’s going to help with the move.”

I freaked out. “I do NOT want that man anywhere near my house! I don’t want him in my neighborhood!” I screamed and acted like a crazy person. My son tried to calm me down. I saw the door open and knew it was my ex-husband walking in the door.

“AAAHHH!” I screamed at the top of my lungs in my dream, but no sound came out, like my vocal chords were paralyzed. I jumped up and down, like in a temper tantrum, thumping my hands through the air. My mouth and body were only going through the motions.

 

Just like in the movies, I woke up with a start, sat up and was panting like I’d just run a marathon. But it was real. I know it happened.

It was early in the morning, the sun just coming up. I got up and checked my kitchen to see if my kids were here. “It’s not moving day,” I told myself. “Nobody’s coming through the door.”

I got back in bed, one more hour until my alarm was set to go off, to get me up for work that day.

A few days later, it was moving day. I rationalized their father would not travel across the country to help my son move a few pieces of furniture and a few boxes.

Still I panicked whenever I thought about it. I had heart palpitations all morning, expecting my ex-husband to show up, yet knowing he wouldn’t. Yet questioning . . .

Does this story sound familiar? Nightmares, panic, heart palpitations, paranoia? Blame Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD.

Though I don’t have minor children or a court-ordered custody arrangement, I still feel stressed to think someday I will have to see my abusive ex-husband. There will be weddings, college graduations, christenings and baptisms. I’ve already been through one wedding right after my divorce. It was so extremely difficult to even be in the same room with him, let alone stand in a receiving line with him.

I can’t imagine having children who need to be handed off to the errant parent and having to SEE him/her on a regular basis. My very, dear friend has minor children and says seeing her ex makes her go to her panic place (that’s what I call it) and it’s hard not to let it show in front of her kids. Children are amazingly intuitive.

With PTSD, one’s brain goes on a loop, thinking of the “terrible awful” memories harbored within (to quote Minnie from “The Help” for a minute). As time goes by, and distance is allowed from the abusive spouse, those stressful times may lessen, but it often take years.

Healing might be possible quicker if you don’t see the spouse. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, in this case. With grown kids, you can turn the other cheek—and walk away. It’s not that easy with custody exchanges.

My friend seeks the healing wisdom of appealing to our Father in Heaven on a daily basis. She said, “Every day, I make a conscious decision to start my day by ‘choosing’ the Lord.”

Her day begins with prayer, reading scriptures, writing in her journal and listening to uplifting talks by church leaders.

My friend said, “When I do that, I feel the ‘life’ trickle back into me. I feel refreshed and ready to lead my little family along the path of our wilderness with energy and enthusiasm.”

That, my friends, is the number one way to help yourself during a divorce. Prayer. All the pat answers of Sunday School will never steer you wrong.

 

My kids are adults, and, despite the nightmare I had, they know where I stand about their father, at least for now. They might not understand, but they know I don’t ever want to have to see him again.

 

I know I will have to one day. I still have two unmarried children and one college graduation to get through. In the future there will be grandchildren events. Maybe by then I’ll be stronger. Maybe I’ll be able to take it.

 

Healing might come. I’m just not there yet, so I can’t say.

 

How do you cope with child visitation? Do you have nightmares or PTSD loops?

PTSD—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Divorce: Part I

I call it Post Traumatic Stress Divorce.

It’s been almost three years since I fled to the west to escape my marriage and abusive, addicted, cheating husband. I call August 14th my Day of Freedom, the first full day after I left for good. I celebrated the first anniversary in 2011 with a party at my house with my close friends who knew my plight.

I know I must be healing a little bit because I used to fall asleep every night thinking of being abused and when I would wake up, the first thing I thought about was his abuse. It was as if I fell asleep watching a horror movie, then woke up and the movie was still on.

Those days only number about once a week now.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, used to be called Shell Shock when I was growing up during the Vietnam war. It was thought only people in the military, in battles where their lives were threatened to a great extreme, suffered from it. Now we know anybody who’s life has been threatened can be stressed like this.

When trust is compromised and your sense of safety is in distress, as in an abusive marriage, it’s only normal to think you’re crazy because your mind is going loopy (literally). During PTSD, caused by a crazy spouse, some people react like a deer in the headlights—paralyzed from fear, unable to stop their thoughts of the last time they were abused.

Sometimes it only takes a trigger, like a sentence on television, or even a conversation about marriage, to bring on my PTSD cycles. (Yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD.) I can be sitting in church and get on a loop. It happened to me at a Weight Watchers® meeting last week. The instructor called on me saying I looked like I had a question. I didn’t even know what she was talking about. I said, “No, I’m just listening.”

I find I can shake myself out of it a lot easier now, but I know I have a long way to go.

While it’s normal to have nightmares and triggers from a traumatic event, the symptoms should only last a few days or weeks. PTSD sufferers may take years to recover, if they ever do.

HelpGuide.org is a good website that lists the symptoms and causes of PTSD. While verbal abuse and divorce aren’t listed as causes yet (physical abuse is), there is a disclaimer that states it can be caused by “. . . any shattering event that leaves you stuck and feeling helpless and hopeless.” Divorce lawyers and counselors are working to get "high conflict divorce" added to the list of PTSD causes. I think there should be a new classification cause on that list called “Traumatic Marriage.”*

According to the website, there are three main types of symptoms of PTSD:
1.     Re-experiencing the traumatic event
2.     Avoiding reminders of the trauma, and
3.     Increased anxiety and emotional arousal.

Symptoms of the first type:

1.     Upsetting memories of the event

2.     Flashbacks

3.     Nightmares

4.     Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

5.     Intense physical reactions to reminders of the traumatic event, like pounding heart, rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, sweating

Symptoms of the second:

1.     Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, feelings that remind you of the event

2.     Forgetting aspects of the trauma

3.     Loss of interest in life (depression, in my book)

4.     Feeling detached and emotionally numb

5.     Sense of a limited future or no normal life again

Symptoms of the third:

1.     Difficulty falling or staying asleep

2.     Irritability; outbursts of anger

3.     Difficulty concentrating

4.     Being on “red alert”

I'm imbued with all the symptoms of the first type, number one of the second type, and number one of the third type. Hoping to get past it all someday.

Does this all sound familiar? You might be suffering from PTSD. How do you cope? I'd like to know.


This is Part I of however many parts it will take to do this subject justice. Just like depression, PTSD is a part of a betrayed, abused spouse’s life.

Edit: psychologists now call PTSD from abuse and adultery in a marriage/divorce "Betrayal Trauma."