Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?

By Susan Knight

Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.

It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.

Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

I'm Still Here

By Susan Knight

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here.

I let my Divorce Memoir run the course of three chapters (check out the top right side-bar), then life happened and I got busy.

That's not to say I haven't been writing.

Actually, I submitted my first three chapters to a writing contest and won Third Place in the Adult Category. I found out I was the only non-fiction submission of about twenty in the category.

Feeling pretty awesome about that.

I have to laugh, though. I don't think it will ever be published as a book, at least not through traditional publishing. Who would want to publish a book with that content? Did you read it?

I mean, lots of people--women going through the same thing I did, or people who like to read about angst--would want to read about it, I'm sure. It's entertaining, like a soap opera is entertaining. But I hope it gives women like me a look into another crazy mind of a betrayed woman who is going through--and got--a divorce.

I hope it shows the many steps necessary, such as Denial, Disappointment, Decisions, Deceit--until we get to the chapter on Departure, and eventually . . . you know, that other "D" word that shall not be named. Who knew there were so many appropriate "D" words for this predicament? Not to mention the "D" word itself.

That "D" word is one we don't like to speak about and is a scary thought, especially if one was married for thirty-three years like I was. People--battered women; abused women; betrayed women--don't want to leave their "comfort zone," even if that zone is in the bottom of the abysmal PITS.

Isn't that funny? I don't mean funny-haha; I mean funny-peculiar. Though our lives couldn't seem to possibly get worse, we couldn't think of leaving what we're used to.

It finally took adultery, pornography, and stealing from our joint checking account to convince me to go, no matter I had been verbally abused for over thirty years.

One thing I learned--the abuse was reason enough for a divorce.

Part of me thinks my (ex) husband escalated the behaviors to get me to make the decision. He knew I had taken it for so long and would continue in my "comfort zone." When he started trolling the Internet, and getting bites, he needed to move to the next level and that involved getting me out. Yeah, part of me thinks that.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating divorce. If your spouse sincerely wants to change; if he genuinely loves you and is repentant and is proving he wants to change, like going to AA or another addiction program, it's probably worth a wait-and-see. I went through all that in one of those "D" chapters.

Like I said. . . that's a scary "D" word. If you find yourself in my past situation, though, with someone who is abusive, cheats on you, steals money from joint funds, is addicted to pornography, and is unrepentant, well. . .it's still your decision to make to stay or go. I'm not judging.

But when you read that last paragraph, doesn't it just sound silly, in a way?

Just sayin'.

You be the judge.

Some Financial Advice For While You’re Still Married

I am the last person to give financial advice. This is only what I wish I had done before it came to divorce.

I was a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time jobs. I had no college education to be able to gain a better salary. When I graduated high school, women didn’t need college educations unless they were going to be nurses or teachers. Times have changed.

I realize now I should have taken more interest in our financial affairs during my marriage. Money talk went right over my head. My eyes glazed over. If I saw a dollar sign, my brain shut off.
Denial!

And besides, he didn't want me to know how much money he really made . . . *face palm*

Funny, now that I’m divorced, this is what I have to conquer on a monthly basis when bills are due. It's not so scary now. I learned how to budget. See what money is coming in and plan for bill payment. Write a check or go online and pay the bill.

What’s not easy is worrying about having the money to do it. So far so good for me. I don't know what the future may hold.

But I digress.

Protect yourself now. If you’re thinking divorce is in your future, take control. Work with your spouse on your financial profile. I had never helped my husband prepare our taxes. Never. Ever. And he liked it that way. It was another way of keeping control.

Imagine my surprise when I helped him prepare our taxes for the last time—so I could see how it’s done. It was then I learned how much money my husband really made. He made it seem we were always in a financial crisis. He led me to believe we were living just above poverty level. He demanded I work—full-time—not part-time as I had been doing so I could be home with our kids. I found out he made six figures--without my puny part-time wage.

My part-time job finally went full-time the year before our divorce process started. But my ex was never satisfied. We never had enough money because of his indiscriminate and secretive spending.
By not knowing our financial position, I didn’t spot his skimming of our accounts. I didn’t realize what he was spending on himself—all the while telling me not to buy groceries, sometimes for three weeks in a row. I would question his purchases, but he always told me, “Don’t worry about it.” So I didn’t. I was in total denial. I, erroneously, trusted him.

Words of advice:

·       Women, check your bank accounts on a weekly basis. You can do this online now. Your husband most likely already set up a password. Get it from him.

·       Know where all the documents are for your finances. Mine were in a desk in his “man cave.” He resented me going through “his” files. I had to remind him they were “our” files. Once the divorce was on, I found out later he hid some money in a secret savings account. I couldn’t prove it. Well, I could have, if I wasn’t emotionally drained during the divorce process. If I would have found out about it sooner, I wouldn’t have been hoodwinked.

·       Work together on paying your bills every month. If he doesn’t like it, compromise and each pay half of the bills with joint money. Tell him it will give you experience in case something happens to him.

·       Get a credit card in your own name while you’re still married—if you have good credit. If your spouse pays the bills in a timely manner, you probably have a good credit score. Once you get your own credit card, pay the whole amount off every month. Don’t spend what you don’t have and this will be easy.

·       Work together on preparing your taxes.

·       Know about his 401K and your IRA, if you have one.

I know this might sound scary to some of you, but it’s essential in protecting yourself from a calamity that will affect your whole life after your divorce, if you get one.

Does anybody have any other advice?