Bleeding Heart blossom; CC0 Public Domain

"The typical divorced person has a painful love wound resulting from the ending of the love relationship, a love wound which prevents him/ her from loving another. It takes a good deal of time to be able to risk being hurt and to become emotionally close again." 
(Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd edition, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti, Impact Publishers [2006]).


Don't beat yourself up, or think you're a loser because your friends and/or family think it's been long enough to still be harboring grief, resentment, anger, co-dependence, distrust, betrayal trauma, or whatever it is that is burdening you.

Everyone has their own healing pace.

It's not a race.

Take care of you.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.

Letting "The Dream" Die

I have been messaging back and forth with a dear friend who went through her divorce at the same time I did. She has vast courage for dealing with what has happened to her.

 My heart ached as I realized how much she was like me. She would have stayed married forever, believing in eternal marriage, even though her husband was a total, creepy, cheating jerk.

 She was a wreck thinking her marriage covenants were broken because of what he did—abuse, adultery, addiction. My friend now knows, it’s not her fault. She did not break her covenants. And she knows it’s better to leave an evil spouse than to possibly die by his hand. (I say “his hand” though I guess it could be “her hand,” as well, especially when bi-polar disorder is in the mix as it was in my case and hers.)

 Another friend told me once that my situation was uncommon in that, I was still married to someone with bi-polar disorder. I told her I intended to stay married because I believed marriage is eternal. I thought I could hold it together, but, of course, we all know, it takes two to work on a marriage.

 Still, I couldn’t imagine killing “The Dream.”

 I envy those who seem to have wonderful marriages, yet I know other people probably envied me because I never let on what was going on at home. In public, we were a perfect couple with a perfect family. Co-dependency is like that.

 And, if you do believe in the fairy tale of the forever marriage* (I am speaking to co-dependents now, not those with really happy and eternal marriages),  imagine how devastating it is to discover the offensive secrets your spouse has been hiding—adultery, pornography addiction, prostitutes—on top of the abuse you’ve been putting up with for years or decades.

 Ask yourself, is it the spouse you want to keep, or The Dream? Do you want to be abused, or do you want The Dream? No matter what?

 Yes, for some of us, it’s The Dream we want—no matter what. We created The Dream, fantasized about it in our minds and our lives, and perpetrated it on the public’s perception. Save face. Look good. Deny. Always deny.

 It’s The Dream of a perfect life that dies in a divorce. The Dream shields us from Reality. Say good-bye to The Dream, along with your destructive and, possibly, fatal marriage. 

 Some of us bear the loss of The Dream better than others. It takes time. Once the co-dependency of an abusive marriage is dealt with, leaving it behind is easier.

 I admire all my many friends who let The Dream go, like releasing a balloon in the air and watching it flicker away over the hills, over the mountains and into the clouds. It wasn’t easy.

 It’s one of the hardest steps you’ll ever climb.

 
What is your story about The Dream? Any advice?

 
* I’m trying to focus on helping others see beyond The Dream when they are in an abusive relationship. I acknowledge there are good marriages. I have many friends who have told me there is no abuse in their marriages, because they know my plight and I need to know there is goodness and trust in marriage.

My Favorite Book on Divorce

Book Review by Susan Knight

When I was going through my divorce, it seemed nobody could tell me a title to read which helped me with what I was going through.

Once I got to Utah, I just happened to find the book "Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery" at an author signing during one of the writing conferences I attended. Serendipity!

This book, by authors Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, answered all of my important questions. Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so stupid all those years?

I was lucky enough to meet one of the authors, Fay Klingler, at a library lecture. I brought the book along for her signature. I showed her that the book was highlighted on every page, and thanked her profusely.

My blog here is about the "Triple A." This book gave me more A's to think about. The chapter headings, the six steps, are: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Authorization, Accountability and Advancement.

In the Acknowledgments, Klingler wrote, "I used to think my story was unique, but I've learned that's not so. On the one hand I find it sad because that means, like me, others have been deeply hurt. But on the other hand, I find it exhilarating because it shows we share a resiliency, a desire to make life good in spite of our traumatic experiences."

I have said many times, and on this blog, I felt like I was the only one going through all the drama and heartache. I slowly learned there were many other women in the dark as to what happened to our marriages. We all had these burning questions. Our questions are addressed in this book.

Most of us have a healthy dose of denial our psyches just can't get through. We are also good people. Since we are good, we think everyone is good and could never do us any harm. This is what the predators (i.e., spouses/significant others) count on. This is how they gain control over us.

I never wanted to get a divorce. My ex-husband knew that and took advantage of it. If I was doing all the work in keeping the marriage together, why should he do any work? It's the greatest manipulation game. While I was reading, it was my first "ah-ha" moment.

The authors address a woman's safety. Many times with verbal abuse, the attitude can turn on a dime and become physical abuse. For those of you who are being abused, PLEASE run for your life. Seek help! Get out!

For many of us, it's the betrayal that finally initiates the beginning of the end of our marriages. While reading this book, I realized I was betrayed and that's what hurt so much. I couldn't put my finger on it. And those of us who are hurt so deeply--betrayed--find it very hard to trust people of the opposite sex again.

At the end of each chapter is a little work space, a plan, to write how we are going to overcome each of the "A" headings. I have to admit I didn't do this part. I'm not ready yet. I'm still going through a lot inside of me.

The last chapter is Advancement, the healing step. That's where this book will take you--when you're ready.

On page 139 is the statement, "Be patient with yourself. You won't suddenly forgive. You won't suddenly let go. It's more like the process of a flower in bloom."

Those words gave me hope.

I heartily endorse this book. It will help you see your arduous climb has an end. A light bulb will shine over your head and you will say aloud, "Ah-HA!"

Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery, Mapletree Publishing Company, 6233 Harvard Lane, Highlands Ranch, CO 80130,
www.mapletreepublishing.com, 184 pages.