Keep Calm and Carry On

I found this wooden decoration at my favorite gift store. It was the theme at work last year, so it sits on top of my file cabinet in my cubicle behind my desk. Sorry it's a blurry picture. I took it with my dumb phone (I don't have a smart phone).

It's a good platitude for my life right now, too. I gaze on the words off and on all day long.

Still no end in sight of ex-husband's stall tactics during this, so far, two-month back-and-forth with the lawyers. Even knowing in advance--convincing myself--he wouldn't be true to his signature and promises, I still had something inside of me that thought he would.

Silly me.

I also have this wooden decoration sitting in front of my desk. It keeps me grounded.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.

ED vs. DE: Part I

Caution: not for the faint-hearted

ED vs. DE. Sounds like the name of a law suit. But, no, we’re talking sexual dysfunction, or, more specifically, sexual dysfunction due to pornography addiction.* We’re talking relationship problems, lack of intimacy, advanced masturbation,** and escalation of porn use.***

A friend of mine asked me, “What’s masturbation got to do with pornography?” I was speechless, but who am I to question what any good, loving, caring, trusting wife thinks? I was clueless, too, to the many intricacies that occur in the lives of men who are addicted to pornography.  Ultimately, spouses, too, are victims of the dysfunction caused by porn.

The clinical definition of ED (erectile dysfunction), dumbed down, is a failure to obtain or maintain an erection in three month's time. Think about the overuse of the drugs Viagra, Cialis and others in recent years, not to mention testosterone drugs—Androgel, Androderm, Testim and others. Men would rather have the horrible headache and other severe side effects associated with this kind of drug use, than not have the drugs.**** Spouses of these men are clueless that the reason they need them is because they are addicted to pornography.

My former spouse didn’t suffer from ED, but I discovered another common side effect of excessive pornography viewing—DE (delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation). I had never heard of it until after I was divorced. All of sudden, my life made perfect sense. I also felt validated. Our lack of intimacy wasn’t my fault, like he said it was. I wasn’t boring, I just wasn’t a teenager who wanted to do all that disgusting stuff that happens on porn sites. I wasn’t too much this or not enough that. He compared me to the erotic, fantasy women created by porn conglomerates, and I came up short.

How liberating to know I was not to blame for his lack of interest, not only in sex, but in me as a whole person. How revolting to know this was going on at all and had affected my whole life. Not just my life, but also the lives of my children, and the lives of our friends and family who were devastated when they heard we were getting a divorce. I don’t think anyone has yet recovered.

Following is more fodder to ponder, if questioning your marital relations.

If your spouse spends most of his free time tied to the computer viewing pornography, fantasizing and masturbating (read: lots of different partners), his feelings for you will decline to nothing. How can a wife compete with what is going on in his head? Pornography satisfies all five pleasure points in the brain. Inordinate amounts of the chemical dopamine are released causing what is known as a type of chemical brain damage. This is more damage than is done by heroin, alcoholism or smoking addictions.

Why am I telling you this? Because I was a victim of pornography addiction and its decline to sexual dysfunction. I want you to know all you can so your world will make sense to you and you can do something about it.

Check out:

·        http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn

·        http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/05/abusing-porn/

·        http://www.issm.info/education-for-all/sexual-health-qa/what-are-some-effects-of-sustained-pornography-use

*A real pornography addiction doesn’t just mean viewing porn often. It means one is caught up in the fantasy and can’t live without it. One gets mean when not viewing it. Advanced masturbation has ruined any chance for an emotional and intimate relationship. One has unrealistic expectations with a real human, and prefers porn sex/masturbation to real sex.

**Advanced masturbation is when one prefers the friction caused by using a hand, or by having oral sex, and now can’t be stimulated by vaginal sex.

***Escalation means the viewer of porn needs more and more visual stimulation, rougher and more aggressive scenes and acts in order to be satisfied sexually. Unfortunately, escalation can lead to viewing child pornography, child molestation, and rape.

****I’m not saying all men don’t need an ED drug. Some men do have physical ailments that require its usage. ED is happening more and more to young men, and even teenagers, who are addicted to pornography and cannot maintain or have an erection while being intimate with their spouses/partners.

A Woman's Plimsoll Line: an excerpt from my memoir

September 30, 2010

I found an interesting article on the internet about a woman’s plimsoll line. I didn’t even know what a plimsoll line was until I read it. It’s a marked waterline on the side of a ship used by sailors to let them know when the boat is filled and can’t take on any more cargo.

If you look at a plimsoll line as the “last straw” or “crossing the line,” then this analogy works very well for women who are/were abused or victims of infidelity. I hit my plimsoll line this year. I couldn’t take on any more of his nonsense. My burden over the years accumulated and it became too great to bear . . .

 

Each woman's plimsoll line is unique. Each woman's burden is her own to carry, or discharge if the line is breached.

 

I remember drawing that line, on the kitchen table, back in February. I told him, "This is the line. I am here. She is there, on the other side. You need to choose."

 

What I didn't know then was that the choice was really mine, and had been all along.

 

Are Your Steps Going in the Right Direction?

I found a lovely quote by Henry B. Eyering in Goodreads. I don't know if I'm allowed to use quotes on blogs without asking, but he wrote to the effect, if you are on the right path, it will always be uphill.
How fitting for a blog called "Steps to Climb."

I am reminded of climbing the beautiful mountains surrounding Boulder, Colo. when I lived there in my young adulthood.

At each crevice and plateau, I would pause and look down to see my journey behind me.The trees were smaller--and the people weren't seen at all.
Perspective. Looking down from perches I happened upon on the rocky mounts made me think of my place in a world full of God's children. I am one of them. I know God loves me. I know He is looking out for me.
He knows my pains and sorrows. He knows my joys.
Then I'd look up to see the awe-inspiring journey still needed to reach the top. The glorious and vast heavens above me gave me a challenge. The colorful rock formations beneath my hands and feet gave me a stronghold as I pulled myself upward. Each movement had to be calculated for success.
Being young and stupid, I didn't climb with ropes as they do nowadays. I knew that one false move would be to my detriment, big time.
 Sometimes I feel defeated. I especially felt defeated on that long climb I took, up each vertical step of the divorce process.
 I don't know which step I'm on now because I am trying to find the healing step and the forgiveness step.
Since I am looking up, I must be on the right path.  I hope you are on your right path, too.

PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Divorce: Part III

Edit 2017: PTSD that occurs in abusive marriages/childhoods is now called "Betrayal Trauma." When you put your trust in someone--spouse, parent, friend, teacher--and they are abusive and betray your trust. Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma, according to Jennifer Freyd's Betrayala Trauma Therory.

While journaling my divorce memoir, sometimes I actually broke out in hives. My keyboard tapped and sang; my mind was "in the zone,” until my arms started itching.

My concentration interrupted, I’d apply lotion to my arms. “Did a mosquito get in here?” I wondered.

Back to typing, it wasn’t long before my neck would itch, then my chest. I looked at my chin in the mirror and saw the hives. There was a rash on my upper torso.

Then it hit me.

“What am I writing about?” The passage didn’t seem too terribly disturbing, but I realized I had been at it all day, regurgitating the abusive treatment in my marriage. My body saw it as a traumatic event being relived. My psyche had all it could stand for one day. I took an anti-histamine.

I found out this is called a Psychosomatic event, or more modernly referred to as Somatoform Disorder. Hives come out when we’re overly stressed; some people break out in a sweat; others suffer from tension headaches or migraines. Chronic pain falls under this category of illness.

This disorder is common for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD. As I said before, PTSD used to be referred to as Shell Shock back in the day—Battle Fatigue, suffered by those in the military when exposed to prolonged killing, maiming, running for your life, distress of having one’s safety violated. The scars from such an ordeal as war are devastating. I don’t mean to equate my abusive marriage to what someone in a war zone has suffered for an extended period of time.

Yet, everyone’s body is different. What one person can take may be the end all for another.

So it is with a traumatic marriage, one where abuse has occurred for years or decades. The fear of constant bombardment of name calling, fist thumping, temper tantrums and holes in walls can send a woman into a kind of shell shock.

Everyone relates to verbal abuse differently. Fear can cause three reactions. In addition to fight and flight, there is also what I call fright (because it rhymes). Psychologists call it "freeze." That was my reaction to my (ex) husband’s verbal abuse. I would sit, eyes wide, body paralyzed, wondering if he was going to hit me, harm me, kill me. He never did, but the verbal abuse happened so often (sometimes several times per week), my mind had flashbacks many times per day, and especially during the abuse.

Over thirty years, I felt as if I’d been in the middle of a war zone. My body had had it, physically. My mind couldn’t take it anymore either. Thus, the PTSD and auto-immune diseases.

Now that I am away from that situation—and happily divorced—I find I can help myself during times of flashbacks, hives and whatever else comes down the pike. I recognize what’s happening and that is the beginning of healing—and dealing.

Following are some ways you can deal with the stress of a traumatic marriage and the decision to seek a divorce:

·        Ask for support from friends or family. They may not understand what you’re going through if they haven’t experienced it, but they should love you through it anyway.

·        Keep a journal. It’s very cathartic.

·        Find a support group for those who are victims of domestic abuse, if that’s your problem. It’s good to know you’re not alone in your plight.

·        Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise

·        Do something fun. Visit friends and family. Get your hair done—or your nails—or both. Do something that will help you feel better. Give yourself permission to laugh, socialize. Get out of the house and do things. Try a new activity.

·        Relaxation techniques. Try yoga or take a walk in the park. Look at the stars at night. B.r.e.a.t.h.e.

·        Talk therapy. Find a counselor who can help you through your hard times or talk to a friend who understands.

·        Please stay away from drugs and alcohol. It might be tempting to escape your troubles. I often said, I’m glad I don’t drink because I would be an alcoholic, if so.

·        Avoid major life decisions. I didn't take my own advice here. It’s usually said to wait a year before making changes, like moving or switching jobs. These are classified as types of grief, so it will add to the stress, grief, of a divorce. In my case, I felt I had to get far away. I left my home, my extended family, my friends, my community, my reputation—my identity—all behind me. I fled to the west where I had friends and two of my kids who could help me through what was to come.  It was a leap of faith. It was right for me.

·        Prayer works. Whatever your religion or level of spirituality, giving up your worries to a higher power, a Heavenly Father, can ease the load you carry. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I depend on Him still. I know He knows who I am. He knows my name. I feel His love for me.

It’s okay to mourn your loss. Divorce is a type of grief. You’ve just lost your marriage. It died. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. Heaven knows, you’ve been through the wringer.

What Say Ye?

I started journaling my divorce experience since I first found out about my ex-husband’s affair in 2009. I put it in a password-protected Word document on my computer. I didn’t want anyone to find out about it. I was embarrassed, humiliated, angry. . . if anyone read what I wrote—what would they think of me?

I let it all out during this journaling time. When I got to counseling, the therapist told me I should write it all down and get it all out. I told him I had already begun. It was cathartic. I could say whatever I wanted about my marriage and my (ex) husband and nobody would know about it—well, except God and my guardian angels. Yet, I felt Providence was leading me, guiding me to discovery about the terrible, awful secrets harbored by my spouse. Anything I said in my journal didn’t come close to comparing to what he was doing.

I found the pornography after we were in therapy. A legion of red flags was waving in front of my face. Still, I persisted in counseling and in “working on my marriage,” presumably with my spouse.

Since I moved out west, I have been taking that vitriolic verbiage and editing it into a memoir. I was hoping to publish it someday, but I don’t want my kids to read it. However, I do want others, who are going through the same thing I did, to read it.

Thus, this blog.

I would love to know how others of the same experience dealt with their ordeals. But I understand if you’re too afraid to comment. I urge you to comment anonymously. Whatever you say could be the exact thing another woman needs to hear.

Excerpt from My Memoir--verbal abuse

November 24, 2009

I am the loneliest married woman in the world. I can’t talk to my husband because he takes everything I say the wrong way. For instance, I know he likes to ride his bike and he was upset one day because he heard it was going to rain.

“Oh, no, I heard it's going to be sunny,” I told him, smiling.

He yelled, “Do you have to disagree with everything I say?”

I thought it would make him happy to hear it wasn’t going to rain, but it didn’t.

I just try to keep neutral. I neither smile nor frown. When I’m around him, my face is frozen like it’s lost the ability to move a muscle.  If he says something to me, I just say, “Uh-huh,” and say nothing more.

I forgot not to comment about the weather.

I’ve been married over thirty years and except for maybe the first two, I’ve been verbally abused. The first two were testing the waters for him. I failed miserably in the test. I actually had opinions about things. I found out quickly that wasn’t allowed.

Excerpt From my Memoir: January 12, 2010

January 12, 2010

I’ve resolved that I’m not going to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.

I think Dee* feels weird talking to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need a sounding board.

She told me that if her husband ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.

“He would have to come to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to him.”

Unfortunately, I’m not as brave as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.

For thirty-three years I swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my body causing me physical and emotional pain.

That should have been a red flag. Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m too nice. I’m too in denial.

Before she left, Dee urged me to get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a bank and said she knows about these things.

 

*All names are changed

Excerpt from my divorce memoir

July 15, 2010
 . . . There are so many steps in this divorce process.
It’s as if these steps are shoulder height, right under the arm pits. I spend so much time trying to pull myself up and over them. I jump, reaching for a stronghold that doesn't exist, only my elbows hold me up. Hanging and searching, my feet scrabble for something to push on, to connect with.
Finally, my chest, then my whole torso is over. My lower body dangles. Using all my upper body strength, I swing my legs back and forth, up and over the step.
Sometimes I come crashing down, but eventually, I make it up, only to see another enormous step as high as the last one I just climbed.