Great Article About Narcissism

I just read this.
Reading it brought back so many . . . stress loops.
But the information is vital. I wish I would have known this . . .
http://articlesbrain.com/what-it-means-when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you/


WHAT IT MEANS WHEN A NARCISSIST SAYS “I LOVE YOU”

July 18, 2017on What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”

Dear Codependent Partner,

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children  — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how its treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for others … and you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. (You may have noticed how touchy I am at any signs of being question; yes, I hate how fragile I feel at any sign of thinking that you, or the world, could judge me as having failed to keep my possessions in line.)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? It gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how I skillfully manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may provide you a sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses, and that I instead keep your focus on my needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy.

I love being a drug of choice you “have to” have, regardless of how I mistreat you, despite all the signs that your addiction to me is draining the energy from your life, that you are at risk of losing more and more of what you most value, and hold dear, to include the people you love, and those who love and support you.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist

By  Athena Staik, Ph.D. for TheMindsJournal

The Wake of Narcissism

I just read a post HERE about Narcissism and People Pleasers.
I have been thinking recently, dabbling in my mind really, about what it would be like if I started dating again.
I think it would be a catastrophe.
I don't see red flags . . .

. . . even when they are waving right in my face.
I still have that perception that people are good.
I give the benefit of the doubt--like realizing they must be driving so slow because they have a goldfish bowl full of water on the front seat--instead of showing road rage.
How could all this niceness help me know what kind of man to date, if the man was sincere and genuine, and that I wouldn't fall into the narcissism trap again?
I mean, even when I had firmly decided to get divorced, my narcissistic (ex) husband tried to persuade me to stay married--status quo. He wanted me to live in the house with him and let him date and commit adultery at will. Seriously!?!
That was when the rose-colored glasses fell off for me. They smashed to smithereens. I didn't even know who he was.
It's because he wasn't the man I created in my mind. I made such a wonderful husband in my mind. I wouldn't let the dream die. 
Trust me, though, it's way dead now.
My doubt is, I might create the same wonderfulness again. I'm very creative.
So whenever I have any thoughts of possibly dating again, I think of red flags--invisible red flags--waving in front of my face.
Alas, I don't see them.

Bloom Where You are Planted

This rings so true for me. There were times I was so depressed, I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand and I couldn't find any foothold with which to boost myself upward. I felt buried, but not only buried, but that pernicious roots and vines had engulfed me, wrapping around my whole body to keep me in my underground tomb.
In hindsight, I realize it as the refiner's fire taking me to a place I needed to be to realize I didn't want to be there anymore.
Now I am planted in a home 2,000 miles away from where I started, and blooming beautifully.

RESILIENCE and CONTROL

I took a great training at work yesterday. The graphic and list are from that training through Intermountain Healthcare.

The question asked was Are You Resilient?

A resilient person will go with the flow, see that she can't change the current situation, so adapts to do whatever is necessary to keep on keeping on.

For instance, if your toddler gets into your just-folded clothes in the laundry basket and strews them all over the room, you can become angry and scold and fly off the handle, resulting in resentment and confusion on your child's part; or you can look over the situation, see the big picture, and realize your toddler thought he was having fun and you might like to play, too. 

As you can see in the graphic below, there are things that are in your control, things you can influence, and things that are out of your control. You can control your attitude. You can influence a wayward child, but you can't control the way another person behaves. 

Now that I'm divorced, I've realized just how resilient I've become. My stress level has gone way down to point where I don't need any anti-depressants,or drugs to help me sleep. I was so afraid of leaving my abusive situation, but as I look back, I wish I would have had the courage to leave when I first had the feeling my marriage wasn't right. Instead, I waited thirty years.

I can't control the past. I can only enjoy the here and now.  I so want that for all of you who might be going through an abusive situation. Please recognize your worth.

The list below outlines a great way to take some small steps to overcome your need for control and find the Calgon moments in your life.

Make lemonade!

How can you increase your resilience?

Here are some small step experiments:

1. Do a self-evaluation. What are you doing that helps you be resilient? Where could you improve?

2. Journal for a day what stresses arise where you have no control. Track what you choose to do in those situations.

3. When you are feeling stressed, ask yourself three questions:

a. Am I stressed about something I don’t control?

b. How do I want to respond to this?

c. What can I do to influence this situation?

d. What can I control in this situation? (it may be just my attitude)

4. Take some time to write your mission statement. Identify what is most important to you and where you find comfort in difficult times. What gives you roots? What are you most committed to do in this life? Put it in a frame and post it where you see it everyday.

5. Make a list with two columns. On the left hand side, write down the most challenging situations you have experienced thus far in your life. In the right hand column, identify what growth you discovered because of that challenge. (How long did it take to make the discovery?)

• Does this remind you that you can do hard things?

• Did the characteristics of control, commitment or challenge affect your ability to bounce higher?

• In retrospect, what else helped you bounce higher with that experience?

6. Make a list of current concerns that you have, but of which you have no direct control. Examples may include: my job is changing; my child married someone I don’t like. Write down what you want your response to be in these situations.

• I’m going to understand how my job is changing by attending meetings and reading about the changes. I’m going to see this as a great challenge to increase my skills.

• I’m going to get to know my son-in-law better and identify his strengths.

7. Identify the most common times when you feel out of control. Is there a skill that would give you more control in these situations? For example, learning to say “no” gives you more control over your time and your energy. Learning how to reflectively listen with your teenager may increase your influence. How can you learn and practice this skill?

8. The next time you are feeling like a victim in a situation, ask yourself these three questions:

a. Am I pretending not to notice my role in this situation? (when you’re feeling like you’re a victim, not an actor)

b. Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this? (when you are making a person a villain)

c. What is the right thing to do right now to move toward what I really want? (when you are feeling hopeless)

9. Practice living in the now.

10. Find a role model of resilience.

RESILIENCE

braithwaiteinnovationgroup.com

Have Courage

In my book, Connected in Love, one of my characters, Cammie Bentley, is the wife of a verbally abusive man, Like all abused women, she is afraid of him. She's afraid to make waves. She's afraid to cross him. She's even afraid to voice her own opinions, knowing he will be upset and take it out on her by harangues, vindictive threats, and passive-aggressive actions.

The Main Character--protagonist--Mary Donohue, tries to convince her she must have courage to be able to stand up to him. Cammie is still afraid, even knowing she has to make a decision. His outbursts are escalating. What she doesn't know is, his pornography viewing is also escalating.

Mary convinces Cammie that courage does not mean you aren't afraid. Courage means you do what needs to be done despite being afraid.

What are you putting off because you're afraid?

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

Stuck on Another Step

 

 

I said in my last blog that receiving that check in the mail, which ended three months of back-and-forth with lawyers, has caused me to find some happiness. The happiness is not in receiving the money, but in knowing I used courage to stand up to him and won the battle.

I hope I don't have to repeat that. Perhaps he now knows he is being watched by more than just me. However, I think the courage step will be well-worn before the last battle is over.

I have also been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is hard. I would much rather repent than forgive.
I've been sitting on the courage step now, just sitting, my legs dangling over, looking down at all the many, tall steps I've conquered. I've climbed a mountain of steps. I now look up at the monstrous step of forgiveness and am daunted.
I thought the courage step was intimidating.

I've been reading a lot about forgiveness, and friends have told me it takes a while, like a flower unfolding; you won't even realize it's happened. Some have said it's not a destination, it's a journey.
I know I have to forgive--not for him, but for me.

There's a scripture in my church: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive. Of you it is required to forgive all men." I think about that often.

Even though I have forgiven him seventy times seven--million--times, I know this time is the one that counts the most for me. I have to forgive him, not in a co-dependent way, but in a godly way, so I can let go of all the hurt and pain of the past. This is courageous forgiveness. It will take great faith and hope and patience.

I know he will never change toward me. He will always harbor the abusive attitude. He will always try to initimidate and lord it over me. He will always see himself as a victim. Working through the lawyers taught me that. I just have to tell myself it doesn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Like a mantra.

It's been five years since I learned of his infidelities. In a few days, it will be three years since the divorce decree was granted. Hallelujah! That piece of paper proclaimed my freedom from him.

Now I need the freedom forgiveness will bring.

Legs still dangling, I wonder, where do I start? I look above me at the gigantic next step and wonder, how do I do this?

Happiness Achieved

Happiness

 

If you've been following my blog, you will know the significance of this figurine. If not, I'll tell you here. A few posts ago, I said if the ex ever stepped up to keep his part of the divorce settlement, I would display "Happiness" on my blog.

I found two figurines, Courage and Happiness. Courage is on my blog as a constant reminder of what I need to keep climbing those Divorce Steps. I bought Happiness with the hope I could display it when the lawyer battle was over and victory was achieved.

I've been away for a month or so. I took a trip to Florida for my niece's wedding, then, when I got home I developed an illness that I have had to get through. My writing took a back seat to these other things, including my new puppy, Tobey. (House-training secrets are welcome in the comments!)

So, the saga continued through October until, finally, my lawyer told his lawyer that if he didn't pay me the money he owed me by the end of October, he would be taken to court.

I have to confess, I did not want to do this. The thought of having to be in a courtroom with him made me physically ill. I spoke in that other post about how I went to a therapist and how she helped me battle my fear and find Courage. And I couldn't have done it without my friends giving me kind and strong support.

Lo, and behold, on October 30, I came home from work to the mail and what did I find? An envelope from "him." In it was a check. I couldn't believe it. After three years, he finally paid on the debt he owed me. In fact, when I got back from Florida, another check arrived--his back alimony payments, well, some of them.

Yes, I did the happy dance, and I immediately displayed this lovely figurine on my mantle with my Christmas Nativity.

 

I know it sounds strange, at least to me, and it has nothing to do with money, but knowing that this battle is over, really has made me very happy. It's as if a burden was lifted. I stood my ground, for one of the very few times in my marriage (un-marriage now), and conquered my fears.
I feel as if the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, has once again guided me through this tough ride, prompting me to take it on in the first place, then egging me on with the help of some very significant friends in my life, to accomplish this fearsome thing.
I really feel as if I have climbed another tall, dreadful, frightening step in this divorce saga. It was one of the hardest yet. Yay, me.

This portrays exactly how I feel. Bluebirds of Happiness are flying around me and landing on me. I know, if you put forth the work and have Courage, you could climb this step as well. Whatever in your life is getting you down, you can conquer it. Though the climb is steep, if you take a deep breath--really breathe deeply, pray, ponder, pray again--success will be yours.

Like the Cowardly Lion of Oz who overcame his obstacles in life, you will achieve Courage.

If I can do it, I know YOU can, too.

 

 Courage

 



Keep Calm and Carry On

I found this wooden decoration at my favorite gift store. It was the theme at work last year, so it sits on top of my file cabinet in my cubicle behind my desk. Sorry it's a blurry picture. I took it with my dumb phone (I don't have a smart phone).

It's a good platitude for my life right now, too. I gaze on the words off and on all day long.

Still no end in sight of ex-husband's stall tactics during this, so far, two-month back-and-forth with the lawyers. Even knowing in advance--convincing myself--he wouldn't be true to his signature and promises, I still had something inside of me that thought he would.

Silly me.

I also have this wooden decoration sitting in front of my desk. It keeps me grounded.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.

ED vs. DE: Part I

Caution: not for the faint-hearted

ED vs. DE. Sounds like the name of a law suit. But, no, we’re talking sexual dysfunction, or, more specifically, sexual dysfunction due to pornography addiction.* We’re talking relationship problems, lack of intimacy, advanced masturbation,** and escalation of porn use.***

A friend of mine asked me, “What’s masturbation got to do with pornography?” I was speechless, but who am I to question what any good, loving, caring, trusting wife thinks? I was clueless, too, to the many intricacies that occur in the lives of men who are addicted to pornography.  Ultimately, spouses, too, are victims of the dysfunction caused by porn.

The clinical definition of ED (erectile dysfunction), dumbed down, is a failure to obtain or maintain an erection in three month's time. Think about the overuse of the drugs Viagra, Cialis and others in recent years, not to mention testosterone drugs—Androgel, Androderm, Testim and others. Men would rather have the horrible headache and other severe side effects associated with this kind of drug use, than not have the drugs.**** Spouses of these men are clueless that the reason they need them is because they are addicted to pornography.

My former spouse didn’t suffer from ED, but I discovered another common side effect of excessive pornography viewing—DE (delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation). I had never heard of it until after I was divorced. All of sudden, my life made perfect sense. I also felt validated. Our lack of intimacy wasn’t my fault, like he said it was. I wasn’t boring, I just wasn’t a teenager who wanted to do all that disgusting stuff that happens on porn sites. I wasn’t too much this or not enough that. He compared me to the erotic, fantasy women created by porn conglomerates, and I came up short.

How liberating to know I was not to blame for his lack of interest, not only in sex, but in me as a whole person. How revolting to know this was going on at all and had affected my whole life. Not just my life, but also the lives of my children, and the lives of our friends and family who were devastated when they heard we were getting a divorce. I don’t think anyone has yet recovered.

Following is more fodder to ponder, if questioning your marital relations.

If your spouse spends most of his free time tied to the computer viewing pornography, fantasizing and masturbating (read: lots of different partners), his feelings for you will decline to nothing. How can a wife compete with what is going on in his head? Pornography satisfies all five pleasure points in the brain. Inordinate amounts of the chemical dopamine are released causing what is known as a type of chemical brain damage. This is more damage than is done by heroin, alcoholism or smoking addictions.

Why am I telling you this? Because I was a victim of pornography addiction and its decline to sexual dysfunction. I want you to know all you can so your world will make sense to you and you can do something about it.

Check out:

·        http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn

·        http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/05/abusing-porn/

·        http://www.issm.info/education-for-all/sexual-health-qa/what-are-some-effects-of-sustained-pornography-use

*A real pornography addiction doesn’t just mean viewing porn often. It means one is caught up in the fantasy and can’t live without it. One gets mean when not viewing it. Advanced masturbation has ruined any chance for an emotional and intimate relationship. One has unrealistic expectations with a real human, and prefers porn sex/masturbation to real sex.

**Advanced masturbation is when one prefers the friction caused by using a hand, or by having oral sex, and now can’t be stimulated by vaginal sex.

***Escalation means the viewer of porn needs more and more visual stimulation, rougher and more aggressive scenes and acts in order to be satisfied sexually. Unfortunately, escalation can lead to viewing child pornography, child molestation, and rape.

****I’m not saying all men don’t need an ED drug. Some men do have physical ailments that require its usage. ED is happening more and more to young men, and even teenagers, who are addicted to pornography and cannot maintain or have an erection while being intimate with their spouses/partners.

I Found "Courage"

I love this Willow Tree angel. Its name is "Courage." It's new and I found it at exactly the time I needed it. I whined about my lawyer/deadbeat husband woes in a previous post. I saw a counselor, talked to my friends, blah, blah, blah, then went to my favorite gift store and this little angel signaled to me to hang in there. Serendipity! She is now displayed on my mantle. I also got a figurine called "Happiness." I'll display that one when I hear from my lawyer that my ex finally agreed to do everything he agreed to do three years ago.

If anyone else out there is going through deadbeat husband woes, I feel ya'. I have found prayer works wonders. Shedding the burden and giving it to the Lord makes me feel light again.

I heard an awesome quote today by Jeffrey R. Holland: "Hope is never lost." When you think about it, it makes so much sense. I will never ever think again that I've lost all hope. That's just silly.

Excerpt From My Memoir--Finding the Porn

Spoiler alert--adult content

March 4, 2010

I can’t believe this is happening to me! As if my life couldn’t get any worse . . .

 

With Jerry* out of town on his "mini-vacation," I couldn’t sleep. Thinking he may have taken the money out of our checking account, I got up and searched around in his desk for the check book and couldn’t find it. He moves things around all the time and doesn’t tell me, like it’s none of my business. I was afraid maybe he took it with him. I already felt abandoned.

I looked in all his drawers and couldn’t find it anywhere, so I started looking in the same places all over again. My head was reeling. My thoughts traveled a mile a minute through the past and into the future and back to the present.

His top desk drawer is deep, so I pulled it all the way out and saw some CDs, which distracted me. I wondered if one was the CD I gave him of his family history. I thought I should make copies for the kids.

A DVD in the pile jumped out at me like a poisonous snake. I recoiled as I saw the cover. Pornography.

I let out a short, startled scream, then remembered Leah down the hall in bed. I started breathing so fast I thought I was going to pass out. My heartbeat was deafening.

I looked at the cover for a second and had to look away. It was disgusting. Lewd. I didn’t want to touch it. I can barely write about it.

I took it downstairs to my computer and put it in the DVD drive. The images that popped out at me on the screen made me want to throw-up right there on the spot. I mean, projectile vomit! I couldn’t watch more than two seconds of each segment. I kept hitting the forward button.

Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. There must have been at least a dozen segments. I have no idea how long they are. I kept hitting “forward.” How does one wash out one’s mind with soap?

I am officially humiliated, disgraced,  mortified. Those young women on that DVD didn’t even look as old as his daughters. My lip went up in a snarl and I really hated that man at that minute. If Leah wasn’t asleep in her room, directly above my computer, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs!

And to think I’ve been blaming myself all these years for him not wanting to have sex with me. He would rather sit and watch those girls while – . I mean, I was there, every night, lying next to him in bed, but he would rather – Ew!

* Names are changed

I'm Going to Do It.

I really need this quote. It appeared on a day this week when I had almost given up, lost hope. I think I’ve fallen down a step or two this past month or so.

After three years, my ex-husband is rearing his ugly head and fighting me about keeping up with his part in our MSA (Marriage Settlement Agreement). I phoned a lawyer back in my home state for advice (I have legal benefits through my insurance at work), I emailed her my paperwork, she emailed him, he got a lawyer, his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, both agreed he is a cheap jerk (their words, not mine). Nevertheless, ex-husband wants to make a deal with me before he’ll keep his part of the bargain. I can’t believe he wants to deal when he is the one not doing his part. My lawyer agrees. We’ll see what his lawyer says.

I suppose women go through this all the time. My lawyer friend said most of his court appearances are due to deadbeat husbands not keeping up with alimony/agreements. (And why would I expect a liar/cheater/abuser to keep up with a bargain he made and signed his name to? Call me crazy.)

I realize everyone has their own truth. My truth to this matter is most likely 180 degrees from my ex-husband’s truth. His truth tells him that I got enough from him, even though we split our assets, and even though we were married thirty-three years and his income is way more than mine (that’s how the court looks at it).

His truth says, if I want him to do something (keep up his agreement), then I have to give up something (make a deal). In other words, what’s in it for him? (Maybe his lawyer didn’t inform him he is in “contempt of court.”)

My dilemma is, I don’t like confrontation. But I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

This whole thing is causing my PTSD to resurface big time. I was in a safe place, emotionally, for the last three years. I know I’m in a safe place physically, yet I am fearful.

I went to a counselor this past week and she helped me to see he can’t hurt me anymore, so I shouldn’t be afraid of him. The counselor told me that having courage (to stand up for myself) does not mean there’s no fear. I never thought that way before. She’s right. Everything I did during this divorce, every step I’ve conquered, was despite the fear I felt.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and she said if I stand up to him, he will see that I won't take his abuse anymore. He'll realize he can't bully me anymore. Wise words. I'm taking it all in.

The more I think about it, the more I am determined to stand up for myself. I need to climb that step again. I’m going to do it. No matter what. It won't be easy, and it won’t always be this way. I’ll take one day at a time.

Learning

When I said this blog is one of “self-realization,” as I did in the sidebar, I had a couple meanings in mind for that concept.

 

First, this blog is not a “self-help” blog. In other words, I don't feel like such an expert on getting over this divorce crisis in my life that I can write the “Five Ways to an Amicable Divorce”, or "Ten Steps to Divorce Recovery"—or any number of ways to do anything related to divorce. The process of living through it is sometimes enough to handle without numbering my issues.

 

Second, it is to help me realize what my problems are, to try to overcome them, using blogging as a cathartic process.

But now it seems I can write five ways to do or not to do something, and even put it in a three-part series. It’s a little self-help, so there you have it. Serendipity.

I have told many women going through a crisis they should blog as a journal. Their first reaction is, “I don’t want anybody to read what I write!”

I tell them they can set up a blog so that nobody has access to it. I have one that nobody reads. Yes, as if this blog doesn’t contain enough terrible-awful things, I actually have a blog full of vitriol that no one will ever read. It’s my catharsis, in a twisted way. I can say whatever I want to, without any judgments.

 

My third reason for creating this blog is that it helps others self-actualize, analyze, think twice or three times about a life where divorce is imminent, ongoing, or done with. It’s my wish that, by sharing my experiences, I can show that divorce stinks, but is sometimes necessary, and here are the steps I went through. Maybe you can learn from my marriages mistakes and my divorce discoveries.

I’d like to learn from you, too.

 

 

A Woman's Plimsoll Line: an excerpt from my memoir

September 30, 2010

I found an interesting article on the internet about a woman’s plimsoll line. I didn’t even know what a plimsoll line was until I read it. It’s a marked waterline on the side of a ship used by sailors to let them know when the boat is filled and can’t take on any more cargo.

If you look at a plimsoll line as the “last straw” or “crossing the line,” then this analogy works very well for women who are/were abused or victims of infidelity. I hit my plimsoll line this year. I couldn’t take on any more of his nonsense. My burden over the years accumulated and it became too great to bear . . .

 

Each woman's plimsoll line is unique. Each woman's burden is her own to carry, or discharge if the line is breached.

 

I remember drawing that line, on the kitchen table, back in February. I told him, "This is the line. I am here. She is there, on the other side. You need to choose."

 

What I didn't know then was that the choice was really mine, and had been all along.

 

Some Financial Advice For While You’re Still Married

I am the last person to give financial advice. This is only what I wish I had done before it came to divorce.

I was a stay-at-home mom, working only part-time jobs. I had no college education to be able to gain a better salary. When I graduated high school, women didn’t need college educations unless they were going to be nurses or teachers. Times have changed.

I realize now I should have taken more interest in our financial affairs during my marriage. Money talk went right over my head. My eyes glazed over. If I saw a dollar sign, my brain shut off.
Denial!

And besides, he didn't want me to know how much money he really made . . . *face palm*

Funny, now that I’m divorced, this is what I have to conquer on a monthly basis when bills are due. It's not so scary now. I learned how to budget. See what money is coming in and plan for bill payment. Write a check or go online and pay the bill.

What’s not easy is worrying about having the money to do it. So far so good for me. I don't know what the future may hold.

But I digress.

Protect yourself now. If you’re thinking divorce is in your future, take control. Work with your spouse on your financial profile. I had never helped my husband prepare our taxes. Never. Ever. And he liked it that way. It was another way of keeping control.

Imagine my surprise when I helped him prepare our taxes for the last time—so I could see how it’s done. It was then I learned how much money my husband really made. He made it seem we were always in a financial crisis. He led me to believe we were living just above poverty level. He demanded I work—full-time—not part-time as I had been doing so I could be home with our kids. I found out he made six figures--without my puny part-time wage.

My part-time job finally went full-time the year before our divorce process started. But my ex was never satisfied. We never had enough money because of his indiscriminate and secretive spending.
By not knowing our financial position, I didn’t spot his skimming of our accounts. I didn’t realize what he was spending on himself—all the while telling me not to buy groceries, sometimes for three weeks in a row. I would question his purchases, but he always told me, “Don’t worry about it.” So I didn’t. I was in total denial. I, erroneously, trusted him.

Words of advice:

·       Women, check your bank accounts on a weekly basis. You can do this online now. Your husband most likely already set up a password. Get it from him.

·       Know where all the documents are for your finances. Mine were in a desk in his “man cave.” He resented me going through “his” files. I had to remind him they were “our” files. Once the divorce was on, I found out later he hid some money in a secret savings account. I couldn’t prove it. Well, I could have, if I wasn’t emotionally drained during the divorce process. If I would have found out about it sooner, I wouldn’t have been hoodwinked.

·       Work together on paying your bills every month. If he doesn’t like it, compromise and each pay half of the bills with joint money. Tell him it will give you experience in case something happens to him.

·       Get a credit card in your own name while you’re still married—if you have good credit. If your spouse pays the bills in a timely manner, you probably have a good credit score. Once you get your own credit card, pay the whole amount off every month. Don’t spend what you don’t have and this will be easy.

·       Work together on preparing your taxes.

·       Know about his 401K and your IRA, if you have one.

I know this might sound scary to some of you, but it’s essential in protecting yourself from a calamity that will affect your whole life after your divorce, if you get one.

Does anybody have any other advice?