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My Article on FamilyShare: Why Pornography is Adultery

Why pornography is adultery
It has become so commonplace that pornography equated to adultery is thought by many to be a gray area. But is it really?

By Susan Knight

24,423 views   |   148 shares 

 

The modern world has been numbed by the constant bombardment of immorality via media to the point that considering pornography to be adultery has become a gray area. Even those whose moral compass is derived from Judeo-Christian values question this concept. But is the idea really so vague? Do we know what adultery really is?

Adultery is witnessed on television shows and movies and read about in countless tabloids, magazines and novels. It has become so commonplace as to not be recognized as immoral anymore. Many don't realize adultery is still illegal in twenty-three states. In ancient times, it was a capital offense. Now we watch it every night on TV.

One only has to open the pages of the Holy Bible, a common dictionary or log onto any Wiki to find the definition of adultery. The contemporary world views it as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than the lawful spouse (Merriam-Webster). From the Bible's perspective, if one is married and looks at, thinks about, or touches another person with lust (sexual desire) in their heart or mind, it is considered adultery. By this standard, lust is also adultery.

Oxforddictionaries.com states pornography is written or visual material containing explicit descriptions of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate erotic (raw, sexual desire) rather than aesthetic (beautiful, pleasing) feelings. By this definition, pornography is lust.

Pornography is lust (sexual desire), and lust is adultery. Therefore, pornography is adultery.

·        Adultery is not just sexual intercourse

Adultery is not restricted to sexual intercourse between married people. In addition to lust of the flesh, "lust of the eyes" is also considered adultery 1 John 2:16, KJV.

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior pointed out higher laws. Not only is it unlawful to kill, but anyone who is angry is in danger of judgment Matthew 5:22, KJV. It is well-known anger can lead to murder. Thus, anger is a higher law—a higher commandment to keep.

One of the most powerful scriptures about adultery comes from our Savior, again from the Sermon on the Mount:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28 KJV

These verses in Matthew clearly state looking on a woman with lust is adultery. Adultery is against the law, and lust is the higher law.

·        Adultery without sexual intercourse

In the Bible, adultery without sexual intercourse is referred to as "wanton eyes" Isaiah 3:16, KJV, or "eyes full of adultery" (See 2 Peter 2:14, KJV). These scriptures state plainly adultery is not only a sin of the flesh, but of indecent images seen by the eyes.

It is not coincidental that pornography is taken into the brain through the eyes. Since lust is defined as being consumed with sexual desire, pornographic craving to view woman after woman in obscene sex acts (read: multiple partners) is clearly adultery. Any spouse who is the victim of their partner's pornography addiction will equivocally agree pornography is cheating. Why not call cheating what it really is? Adultery.

·        Social media and adultery

Another way adultery is committed is via social media. Provocative words in a text, an email, or a chat room cause sexual arousal. This is pornographic, which is then adultery.

Men and women, who participate in social media porn, are, by definition, adulterers. Call it what it is.

·        Women and pornography

Women view internet pornography as well as men. In fact, one in three viewers of porn is a woman, and that statistic is rising.

Many women are addicted to "erotica," or what the world calls "romance novels." These books are explicit with titillating, immoral sex acts. Erotica is a synonym for pornography, and pornography is adultery.

·        Pornography statistics

Half of all divorces in the U.S. stem from pornography addiction. (See mind-armor.comor TechAddiction)

·        Seven out of ten males view internet porn in the U.S. (that's 70%)

·        2.5 billion emails per day are pornographic (that's 8% of all emails).

·        There are 116,000 searches for "child pornography" every day. Every day!

·        Age eleven is the average age when a child first sees porn online.

·        Utah has the nation's highest online porn subscription use at 5.47 per thousand.

·        Pornography addiction

In porn addiction, the viewing becomes an obsession, then a compulsion. The images must become ever more stimulating, atrocious and shocking to have the now-addicted appetite sated, just as a drug addict needs one more hit of crack; a smoker must have one more cigarette; a gambler needs one more roll of the dice.

·        Thou shalt not commit adultery

Modern-day streaming of pornography on the internet through computers, iPads, and smartphones has multiplied its use exponentially. The stigma of "adulterer" seems to no longer be a reason to stay away from the poison of porn. But beware—addiction may quickly capture one's soul with just one peak, turn of the page, or swipe of a finger on a smartphone.

It is argued here with semantics, statistics, and religious standards that pornography is lust and lust is adultery. Some may still dispute the classification, but perhaps others will experience an ah-ha moment and move past the gray question.

What do you think?

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

Excerpt From My Memoir--Finding the Porn

Spoiler alert--adult content

March 4, 2010

I can’t believe this is happening to me! As if my life couldn’t get any worse . . .

 

With Jerry* out of town on his "mini-vacation," I couldn’t sleep. Thinking he may have taken the money out of our checking account, I got up and searched around in his desk for the check book and couldn’t find it. He moves things around all the time and doesn’t tell me, like it’s none of my business. I was afraid maybe he took it with him. I already felt abandoned.

I looked in all his drawers and couldn’t find it anywhere, so I started looking in the same places all over again. My head was reeling. My thoughts traveled a mile a minute through the past and into the future and back to the present.

His top desk drawer is deep, so I pulled it all the way out and saw some CDs, which distracted me. I wondered if one was the CD I gave him of his family history. I thought I should make copies for the kids.

A DVD in the pile jumped out at me like a poisonous snake. I recoiled as I saw the cover. Pornography.

I let out a short, startled scream, then remembered Leah down the hall in bed. I started breathing so fast I thought I was going to pass out. My heartbeat was deafening.

I looked at the cover for a second and had to look away. It was disgusting. Lewd. I didn’t want to touch it. I can barely write about it.

I took it downstairs to my computer and put it in the DVD drive. The images that popped out at me on the screen made me want to throw-up right there on the spot. I mean, projectile vomit! I couldn’t watch more than two seconds of each segment. I kept hitting the forward button.

Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. Ew. Forward. There must have been at least a dozen segments. I have no idea how long they are. I kept hitting “forward.” How does one wash out one’s mind with soap?

I am officially humiliated, disgraced,  mortified. Those young women on that DVD didn’t even look as old as his daughters. My lip went up in a snarl and I really hated that man at that minute. If Leah wasn’t asleep in her room, directly above my computer, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs!

And to think I’ve been blaming myself all these years for him not wanting to have sex with me. He would rather sit and watch those girls while – . I mean, I was there, every night, lying next to him in bed, but he would rather – Ew!

* Names are changed

A Woman's Plimsoll Line: an excerpt from my memoir

September 30, 2010

I found an interesting article on the internet about a woman’s plimsoll line. I didn’t even know what a plimsoll line was until I read it. It’s a marked waterline on the side of a ship used by sailors to let them know when the boat is filled and can’t take on any more cargo.

If you look at a plimsoll line as the “last straw” or “crossing the line,” then this analogy works very well for women who are/were abused or victims of infidelity. I hit my plimsoll line this year. I couldn’t take on any more of his nonsense. My burden over the years accumulated and it became too great to bear . . .

 

Each woman's plimsoll line is unique. Each woman's burden is her own to carry, or discharge if the line is breached.

 

I remember drawing that line, on the kitchen table, back in February. I told him, "This is the line. I am here. She is there, on the other side. You need to choose."

 

What I didn't know then was that the choice was really mine, and had been all along.

 

Does Mediation Only Give the Appearance of an Amicable Divorce?

             As I said before, one of the rules of mediation in my (former) state is that the spouses put all their funds into one joint account. We also had to stay in the house together or we would be considered abandoning it, or abandoning the marriage and, therefore, mediation could not take place.

I’m sorry. That is wrong.

I'm not saying mediation is wrong. I just think the rules have to be tweaked a bit.

I realize mediation gives the appearance of an amicable divorce, but in most cases, I’m sure it’s not why people want to mediate.

People are getting a divorce for a “reason.” Most of the time one or the other is cheating, lying, abusing, has dark secrets, is a narcissist—the list goes on. (Refer to my post on June 19, 2013 of top reasons why people divorce)

I believe, even in mediation, the accounts should be halved, or 60-40—whatever the court will allow—and the offending party should move out.*

The only reason I went through the mediation process was because I heard it didn’t take as long as a regular divorce and I wanted out of there fast. Since it doesn’t take as long, it’s cheaper.

Most states are “no fault” so it doesn't matter who the adulterer, liar or narcissist is. Tell the lawyer you fear for your life. I did at one point, but she seemed unmoved by that. She must have thought, “They’re here mediating, so it can’t be that bad.”

I pushed an end table in front of the bedroom door to make noise if he tried to get in, and slept with scissors under my pillow, next to my cell phone set to call 9-1-1-. I was fearful. I had been verbally abused for over thirty years. He was acting erratic. He had a girlfriend. I found his porn—all this on top of the abuse, lying and skimming money from our account.

In my case, I just wanted to mediate so I could get out of the marriage as soon as possible.

Because my ex took money out of our joint accounts, I decided to take some of our money and open up a new account in my name only to protect myself. My friends, ecclesiastical leader—even our marriage counselor—told me to do it.

I felt defeated when I heard the mediator say, “You need to put all of your money into one account.”

My heart dropped. My husband gloated victory.

After I put the money back, he spent our joint account down to almost nothing. He got his own credit card and spent a thousand dollars at a pop. I got one too. I spent seven dollars.

• Did you use a mediator for your divorce?
• Were you pleased with the results?
• What would you have done differently?
• I'd love a lawyer's opinion on the subject.

Are you considering mediation? You might want to check your state laws to see what is best for you before you decide.

*Just my two cents, as always

My Book Review of "Shattered. . . " Shared

Good news for me. Fay A. Klinger, who, along with Bettyanne Bruin, wrote "Shattered: six steps from betrayal to recovery," just posted my book review of her book on her Facebook author page and in her newsletter coming out next month.
For those of you who missed it, look in my archive on July 25, 2013 where I wrote the review of the only book that really helped me understand what I was going through with this Triple A Divorce.

I urge you to check it out. I'm sure it will help you, too.

Teen's Porn Brain Article Was Too Soft

By Susan Knight

 

Warning: this blog post may be too graphic for the faint-hearted.


We've all been there. One website led to another. Only this was an article about how porn affects teenage brains, and not porn itself. Click on the title below.

 

Your Teen's Porn Brain

I think the article was too soft. It wasn't scary enough. The author should have delved more into what can and does happen to the brain when viewing, and getting addicted to porn.

The sad part was the comment section. Most of the comments were by teenagers who have NO IDEA!

 

The following is what I wrote in the comment section:

 

I didn't read every single comment because it got me too frustrated.

You all have no idea . . . really . . .

I was so naive about the harm pornography causes. For those of tender teenage years, you haven't lived through a marriage that was torn apart by a husband's pornography addiction that began in his teens.

He never knew or understood what true love is, or showing love through the sexual act, which should be a private display and not public. It's supposed to be intimate and beautiful, not public and rough and wretched.

First of all, pornography, like anything, will be addictive to those with addictive personalities. Not all people who drink alcohol become alcoholics. Some know when to stop drinking. Not all people become addicted to porn. At some point, they know when to stop watching and can stop themselves.

For those who don't stop, the pleasure part of their brains need more and more to be satisfied. What was titillating last week needs to be upgraded this week. It's the dopamine effect.

Addicts then proceed to advanced masturbation and cannot be satisfied by physical sex between man and woman because using one's hand causes more pleasing friction than a vagina. Normal sex is not supercharged enough. It's not like the porn they watch, forgetting that camera angles can be deceiving, and editing can create a beguiling fantasy. Not to mention, bodies that are enhanced by plastic surgery.

And don't fool yourselves. Women are degraded in pornography. It's too graphic to describe. Lives are ruined. It's a dirt-bag industry--billion-dollar industry.

The chemistry in porn-addicted brains changes, leading to a form of brain damage. Pornography reaches all five pleasure points of the brain. Heroin, three. Yes, it's more addictive than heroin and more is needed to satisfy. Then those images become all they think about, even at work. I would like to see the statistics of how many men are fired for viewing porn at work. I know of men in my own company who have been caught and fired. They cannot quit it to work.

Eventually, because the ruse of porn is obsessive and the craving can't be satisfied by real life, men stop having sex with their wives/girlfriends.

I knew a man who was involved with a gorgeous woman, a super-model, athletic type, but he chose porn and prostitutes who would give him the dirty-type sex he desired--porn--which his girlfriend knew was appalling and not how real lovers behave toward each other.

Women, who are co-dependents to this behavior, have self-esteem issues because the message they get is that they are not good enough for these sex addicts.

I didn't know any of this in my life until my husband's porn addiction came to light. I quickly found out what I was up against. It's like dealing with any other addict.

After my divorce, and I confided with a few about what happened and why, so many women came out of the woodwork to talk to me about their situations, similar to--and worse--than mine. We helped each other cope and we continue to help each other heal. It's a long road with many steps to climb.

Pornography is a betrayal like infidelity, especially when spouses view it in secret. Like all addicts, they lie, steal money from joint bank accounts to fund their addictions, seek prostitutes and, for some, go over to the darker side of deviant sexual behaviors. Oh, yes. It's true. Unfortunately, I know about it firsthand.

For those whose partners are OK with it . . . I suggest you examine your reasons for putting up with it. What is the purpose of it? Why is it OK for your intimacy to be so damaged yet acceptable? Wake up!

Unfortunately, you will find out, in the end, it's not worth it.

 

 

I don't know if my comment was published. Too graphic? I had to stop myself.

Excerpt From my Memoir: January 12, 2010

January 12, 2010

I’ve resolved that I’m not going to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.

I think Dee* feels weird talking to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need a sounding board.

She told me that if her husband ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.

“He would have to come to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to him.”

Unfortunately, I’m not as brave as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.

For thirty-three years I swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my body causing me physical and emotional pain.

That should have been a red flag. Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m too nice. I’m too in denial.

Before she left, Dee urged me to get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a bank and said she knows about these things.

 

*All names are changed

Preface For a Book Perhaps . . .

I kept a journal through my whole divorce process. To say it is vitriolic is an understatement. Those who have been through it will agree it is necessary to get these "feelings" out of your system. You are full of hate and yet want to appear "dignified." It's a dichotomy of thought righteous women go through when bombarded with their husband's indisgressions.

My hope is to write a book about this journaling some day to help other women (and even men) who are going through what I did. I couldn't find a book that applied to me and what I was going through. The content of my book travels the steps from discovery through denial, from fear to finding courage, and up a lot of other steps I didn't see myself ever climbing.

The good new is, I'm divorced. Happily divorced.

Last night I wrote the preface for a tentative book about Divorce and Courage. I don't have a title yet. That will come later, maybe with my readers' help. Some of this copy I've used in the left-hand column of this blog. It might need some tweaking, but below is the rough draft:

When I was experiencing the phases of my divorce, I thought I was the only one going through the events that unfolded.

I was wrong.
There are many women who experienced—and are still experiencing—what I did. Some of us found each other and commiserated, but we had the same questions: Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I see things clearly? What comes next? How much more do I have to endure?
The precursor to my decision to get a divorce was the Triple A: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction. Sound familiar? As a co-dependent, I kept our family life very well-hidden from the public. My mission was to save face—look good. My husband cooperated very nicely to that effect when in the company of our friends. Everyone thought he was a “really good guy.” Nobody had any idea what our family was going through.
Now I know my mission was to stop the abuse and save myself. I also hope my children, and the generations who come after them, will not cause or succumb to these same offenses.
If this sounds familiar to you, you might like to read this book and find out you are not the only one.
This is not a self-help book. There are no “Steps to a Healthy Divorce” within these pages. It’s a self-realization book that describes the huge steps you will climb during the discovery, denial and divorce processes. Sometimes you will fall down a step or two, but you will keep climbing. You have to—to be a conqueror.
It takes courage to get a divorce. I was the least courageous person you’d ever meet. I lived in fear and denial.
If I did it, anyone can.

 

I hope you never need this book. I hope this preface might entice you read it.

I'd love to hear from anyone who might have similar questions, feelings, or who might be in the very first stages of discovery. By that I mean, finding out about the other woman, pornography, verbal abuse, husband's apathy.

What are you feeling? We can help each other. Count on it.