Not Enough

In my thirty-three years of marriage, I was often barraged by my husband with abusive harangues of not being thin enough. I had let myself go since the children were born. I would not cater to his needs enough. The house wasn't clean enough. I wasn't organized enough, tidy enough, perfect enough. There were so many "not enoughs" that my self-esteem shattered and my self-worth was non-existent. He had me convinced I was such a loser I wasn't worthy enough to even live.

There were a few times I planned my death. I became obsessed with thoughts of driving my car into a telephone pole, or a wall, or off a cliff. At length, I became convinced that if I was such a horrible person, I didn't deserve to raise my children. I was not a good enough mother. My husband, who was perfect, would be up to the task because I didn't do a good enough job--of anything.

My friends saved me, as usual, by lifting me up and buoying up my psyche so that I was able to "consider" I might be "okay" enough to live. One of my friends, when she noticed how depressed I was, told me that if I ever had any thoughts of killing myself, to call her--no matter what time of the day or night. "Even if it's three o'clock in the morning--you call me!" she commanded. At that, I actually wondered, "If she loves me that much, maybe I am good enough."

I consulted a therapist for depression.  Of course, when she asked what was my problem, I just said, "I don't know." And in my mentally-defective mind, I just denied everything--even to myself. She suggested Prozac. I couldn't have lived through the last fifteen years of my marriage without it.

This photo was taken in August 1996 when I wasn't "thin enough."

Whenever I see the photograph above, I am reminded of my life at that time--tumultuous. About ten years earlier is when I had sunk into such a deep depression, I had the suicidal thoughts mentioned above. It was a struggle every day to live with my non-compassionate, unsympathetic, and narcissistic, abusive husband. I put on a good show in front of others--just as he did--pretending we had a perfect family. 

Two years after this photo, I had those same suicidal thoughts, but I had dealt with that dark side and vowed to myself and God that I would NOT kill myself. I sought therapy instead. Many times.

Two months after the above photo was taken, my world began to collapse, slowly, like the crack in a delicate egg. I had thought that, despite his abuse, my husband loved me. (All co-dependents think that way.) He was a good provider, and he was good with the kids, who loved him. I was "enduring" our marriage, yet still had that hope our relationship would work itself out somehow. I didn't realize then that, showing respect for their mother was what makes a good father. Being "good" with the kids only meant he sometimes had fun with them, but he was abusive toward them as well.

It was a Friday night in October. My husband was planning a business trip for Monday. It had been ages since we had been intimate. Since he had been unusually nice to me that day (yes, I hoped in days only), I made advances to him when he got in bed.

He pushed me away. I asked, "What's wrong?" but didn't want to know because it was probably something I did. He had never turned me away up until that time.

I tried again.  He pushed me away again. He leaned up on his arm, looked at me with disgust, and said, "I've lost my desire for you."  He rolled over on his side away from me as I lay next to him, questioning, his venomous words echoing in my brain.

"What? What do you mean? What does that mean?" I asked over and over, but got no response.

I angrily kept asking him. I pushed him and pulled on his shoulder and ranted, "What do you mean by that?" not able to process it in my brain, not caring if he would turn on me with verbal abuse--or even physical abuse.

With no reply whatever, I grew even angrier and began to punch him in the back, all the while questioning, "What do you mean, you've lost your desire for me? Tell me! Tell me!"

At that point, adding insult to injury, he feigned snoring.

I fell back on my pillow, my sobbing shook the bed. I couldn't control my anguish and humiliation. I tried to stifle my sobs, not wanting to wake the children, but I couldn't help it. My pillow was wet from my tears, and my sides ached from crying so hard and so loud.

No movement from him. None.

After that incident, I pulled away from any love I had for him. I had to break my bond with him. It was the only way I could save myself. I never let myself love him again. It was a long process, but an easy one, because he was very accommodating by being abusive to me. I stuck out the marriage for the sake of my children.

At that time, I was forty-two years old. I had four children, the youngest was five. I thought of my friends who had similar circumstances and wondered if their husbands had no desire for them. He always told me I was too fat--and I believed him, but losing weight didn't seem to bring any reward. I was always not enough in some way or another. If I lost weight, I wasn't toned enough. If I did aerobics or walked on the treadmill, it wasn't doing the job and I should have more self-control. Even the lady at Weight Watchers advised me not to lose any more weight when I was 125 pounds. They wouldn't be responsible for it.  My idiotic ex actually said, "Who do they think they are? Weight experts?"

My mother visited. It was Sunday after church. We were walking about in the yard admiring the flowers and she pulled out her camera and said, "Let me take a picture of you."

I said, "Oh, Mom, don't. I'm too fat. I don't want my picture taken."

My mother actually stomped her foot on the grass. "You are not too fat! You are beautiful! And I want to take a picture of my beautiful daughter!"

Because I wasn't cooperating--I just stood there--my mother further yelled, "Smile!" The look on my face shows a tentative smile, like, "Okay. I'll humor her. Who's going to see it anyway?" (Before the days of Facebook.)

 

Years later, after the Triple A divorce. I looked at that photograph again. I know I'm not beautiful, but I gasped as I saw I wasn't fat either! My therapist at the time tried to tell me I was a good weight for my age after having four children in my thirties. I figured she was humoring me too. But now I can see, at forty-two, I was pretty good for my age!

A big thank you to my mother for insisting on this picture. It has saved my self-esteem immeasurably. I still have that dress, by the way. It's a size "Small."

 

Now, twenty years later, I am angry again for letting him make me feel "not enough." If only I could have seen that I was enough--and way too good for him!!

After the divorce, I researched the effects of a pornography addiction and realized that was why I wasn't "enough" for him, and why he lost his desire for me. It wasn't my fault, though he never stopped blaming me--even after I found his porn. Who can compete with the teenagers in those porn DVDs and videos? I don't even want to. It disgusts me to this day.

I hate pornography.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I haven't commented too much on narcissism on my blog, though I was a victim of that in my marriage, in addition to verbal and emotional abuse, adultery, and pornography addiction. I found a place on Facebook that has a lot of memes that say what needs to be said.

I have to say, my ex-husband blamed me for abuse, though most of the time I was just defending myself. He was devoid of compassion, sensitivity, or empathy--and remorse. He never apologized for what he did to me. He tried to make it seem as if he deserved to do what he did--abandon me, commit adultery, get addicted to porn . . . He has not ever apologized. He just told everyone we "grew apart." Hey, no apology needed then, right? I think he actually believed it himself.

Here are some other very good memes regarding Narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

The last therapist we both saw as a "marriage counselor" told me that narcissism is not a mental illness

like, say, OCD or bi-polar disorder (which my ex had as well). One CAN change from being a narcissist. Most don't want to and have no interest in being kind--unless in front of other people.

The therapist told me there is a big difference between narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everybody is a little bit narcissistic. It's a life preserver in some instances. But the personality disorder is different and simple to explain--they don't want to be nice or kind.

The therapist also told me he treated many, many people with NPD and my husband was definitely in the top 5 of all the people he treated. TOP FIVE!? Lucky me. . .

This next meme below expresses the NPD factor very well:

This meme above reminds me of a trip I took with my ex-husband and youngest son who was about 18 at the time. We were in a car driving from Utah to Idaho. I am hard of hearing and my ex-husband mumbled--probably on purpose. I asked him what he said. He smirked and laughed and told my son he was setting a new rule in the car: Nobody will repeat themselves.
My son laughed along. I was deeply hurt.
So as we were driving, I said something and my husband said, "What?"
I looked at him and frowned. "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't repeat myself." And I looked away.
I KNOW my husband was frustrated because he always wants to know what people are saying and it probably KILLED him not to know what I had just said.
So . . . consequence? Road rage. As usual.
I said, "You set the rules. Not me."
Instead of admitting it was a bad idea, he didn't say anything about changing the rules. Just road raged all the way to our destination. (I found out most people with road rage are narcissists.)

Once we got to the hotel, I stood up to him while my son was not in the room. I said, "I work at a nursing home where I repeat myself ALL DAY LONG to people who are hard of hearing. Why? Because it's the KIND THING TO DO. And I want to be a kind person."

He just looked at me, but didn't say anything--or apologize, you know, because that would have been the right thing to do.

I went on and said, "I don't want my son to think he can put people down by bullying them if they have a handicap in any way. And especially toward his mother. You're supposed to be setting an example of how to be respectful to his mother. You totally disrespected me."

He never said anything else about it. But he did repeat himself if I didn't hear him say anything--but in front of other people. Victory? I guess it was a silent apology. I very rarely stood up to him. I guess he knew I meant it.

What are some things you might have had to go through with NPD? I only mentioned a few from my list.

Strive to Thrive--Steps to Climb

This is a great visual as a metaphor for steps to climb. 

Aspire Higher! Be a Thriver! You Can Do It!

I am happy to say I am on the thriving side of mostly everything on the list.

Gotta' keep on striving for thriving!

Be Anti-Pornography: 17 facts you need to know

This is a link to a very informative article about 17 ways why you should be Anti-Pornography.
YOU MUST READ THIS!

http://protectyoungminds.org/2016/04/14/anti-porn-christians-reveal-17-reasons/

My Article on FamilyShare: Why Pornography is Adultery

Why pornography is adultery
It has become so commonplace that pornography equated to adultery is thought by many to be a gray area. But is it really?

By Susan Knight

24,423 views   |   148 shares 

 

The modern world has been numbed by the constant bombardment of immorality via media to the point that considering pornography to be adultery has become a gray area. Even those whose moral compass is derived from Judeo-Christian values question this concept. But is the idea really so vague? Do we know what adultery really is?

Adultery is witnessed on television shows and movies and read about in countless tabloids, magazines and novels. It has become so commonplace as to not be recognized as immoral anymore. Many don't realize adultery is still illegal in twenty-three states. In ancient times, it was a capital offense. Now we watch it every night on TV.

One only has to open the pages of the Holy Bible, a common dictionary or log onto any Wiki to find the definition of adultery. The contemporary world views it as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than the lawful spouse (Merriam-Webster). From the Bible's perspective, if one is married and looks at, thinks about, or touches another person with lust (sexual desire) in their heart or mind, it is considered adultery. By this standard, lust is also adultery.

Oxforddictionaries.com states pornography is written or visual material containing explicit descriptions of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate erotic (raw, sexual desire) rather than aesthetic (beautiful, pleasing) feelings. By this definition, pornography is lust.

Pornography is lust (sexual desire), and lust is adultery. Therefore, pornography is adultery.

·        Adultery is not just sexual intercourse

Adultery is not restricted to sexual intercourse between married people. In addition to lust of the flesh, "lust of the eyes" is also considered adultery 1 John 2:16, KJV.

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior pointed out higher laws. Not only is it unlawful to kill, but anyone who is angry is in danger of judgment Matthew 5:22, KJV. It is well-known anger can lead to murder. Thus, anger is a higher law—a higher commandment to keep.

One of the most powerful scriptures about adultery comes from our Savior, again from the Sermon on the Mount:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28 KJV

These verses in Matthew clearly state looking on a woman with lust is adultery. Adultery is against the law, and lust is the higher law.

·        Adultery without sexual intercourse

In the Bible, adultery without sexual intercourse is referred to as "wanton eyes" Isaiah 3:16, KJV, or "eyes full of adultery" (See 2 Peter 2:14, KJV). These scriptures state plainly adultery is not only a sin of the flesh, but of indecent images seen by the eyes.

It is not coincidental that pornography is taken into the brain through the eyes. Since lust is defined as being consumed with sexual desire, pornographic craving to view woman after woman in obscene sex acts (read: multiple partners) is clearly adultery. Any spouse who is the victim of their partner's pornography addiction will equivocally agree pornography is cheating. Why not call cheating what it really is? Adultery.

·        Social media and adultery

Another way adultery is committed is via social media. Provocative words in a text, an email, or a chat room cause sexual arousal. This is pornographic, which is then adultery.

Men and women, who participate in social media porn, are, by definition, adulterers. Call it what it is.

·        Women and pornography

Women view internet pornography as well as men. In fact, one in three viewers of porn is a woman, and that statistic is rising.

Many women are addicted to "erotica," or what the world calls "romance novels." These books are explicit with titillating, immoral sex acts. Erotica is a synonym for pornography, and pornography is adultery.

·        Pornography statistics

Half of all divorces in the U.S. stem from pornography addiction. (See mind-armor.comor TechAddiction)

·        Seven out of ten males view internet porn in the U.S. (that's 70%)

·        2.5 billion emails per day are pornographic (that's 8% of all emails).

·        There are 116,000 searches for "child pornography" every day. Every day!

·        Age eleven is the average age when a child first sees porn online.

·        Utah has the nation's highest online porn subscription use at 5.47 per thousand.

·        Pornography addiction

In porn addiction, the viewing becomes an obsession, then a compulsion. The images must become ever more stimulating, atrocious and shocking to have the now-addicted appetite sated, just as a drug addict needs one more hit of crack; a smoker must have one more cigarette; a gambler needs one more roll of the dice.

·        Thou shalt not commit adultery

Modern-day streaming of pornography on the internet through computers, iPads, and smartphones has multiplied its use exponentially. The stigma of "adulterer" seems to no longer be a reason to stay away from the poison of porn. But beware—addiction may quickly capture one's soul with just one peak, turn of the page, or swipe of a finger on a smartphone.

It is argued here with semantics, statistics, and religious standards that pornography is lust and lust is adultery. Some may still dispute the classification, but perhaps others will experience an ah-ha moment and move past the gray question.

What do you think?

Pornography = Rape Simulation

archaic update needed

After writing about the etymology of the word pornography, another thought came to mind, especially after reading one of the comments on my article, "The 5 Stages of a Pornography Addiction," which was picked up by PornHarms (read about it HERE) from FamilyShare.com.

One woman commented on the article that she was a victim of rape and abuse and felt that watching porn was like watching a rape simulation. Ugh! Seriously, her comment really ripped my heart out. But she also gave me one of those ah-ha moments. *

I thought, the word is an archaic Greek word. What if we changed the name of the word pornography to what it is--RapeSimulation. Would that make people wake up? Would that take the ease and comfort away that it's not really that bad, or that everyone does it?

Conversation that might ensue:
Person 1: "Yeah, so I was on this RapeSimulation site the other day . . ."
Person 2: "Wait a minute, you mean, you're into Rape?"
Person 1: "It's not that bad. I mean, it's not like I'm addicted to Rape. I can stop watching it any time I want."
Person 3: "I watch RapeSimulation with my husband and we feel it strengthens our sex life."
Person 2 :"You mean, you watch RapeSimulation?"
Person 3: "Get with the times. Everyone watches Rape."
Person 1: "Don't be one of 'those people' who judges us because we watch Rape. I'm sure you've watched it, too, at some point."
Person 2: "Uh. . . not. . .really. . ."
Person 3: "You should watch it some time. You'll learn a lot."
Person 2: "About . . . rape?"
Person 1: "You're so judgmental."
Person 2: "?!"

I apologize to rape victims for my seeming flippant dialogue. I apologize to porn victims, too. I was just trying to get my point across.

Did I?

My heart goes out to that courageous woman who lived through the rape to tell us about it and remind us what a heinous crime it is and from where it comes--porn addiction. And I have so much love for women, like me, who were victims of the porn addiction of their husbands.

What's your story?


* the woman spoken of has deleted her comment. I don't blame her.

Etymology of the word "Pornography"

etymology

Ever since I read the comments on my article "The 5 Stages of a Pornography Addiction" which was picked up by PornHarms, I started thinking, what is the etymology of the word?

So I looked it up and did some research.

Pornography is from a Greek word, "pornographos" which literally translates to "writing of prostitutes or harlots." By the 1800s it came to mean "salacious writing or pictures."

Other Greek variations:

pornaos/pornos = to sell off, to traffic, i.e. selling of sexual purity

porneia = harlotry (including adultery and incest)

porneuo = to act the harlot, or indulge in an unlawful lustful act, i.e. fornication

A very well-written website sponsored by the United Church of God  gives a wonderful overview of the etymology of the word, the act, and the consequences of pornography. 

Here are some excerpts:

-Research clearly demonstrates a direct link between pornography and bizarre antisocial behavior (sexual aberration, sexual violence, pedophilia [sexual abuse of children]). 

-FBI investigations, plus records of many law enforcement agencies, testify that pornographic materials are ‘found data’ (i.e. involved) in large numbers of ‘lust murders,’ autoerotic fatalities, mutilations, rapes, and ravages of women and children.”

-For pornography to be harmless, the people who are depicted in its images would have to be unreal….However, the women violated in pornography are human beings. Beyond the glossy pages, the naked and used women are real . . . Pornography makes women chattel, and all women have reason to fear that the attitudes of the men with whom they live and work are transformed by the images of pornography.  

-The addictive nature of pornography creates a self-perpetuating cycle, magnified by the fact that exposure to pornography lessens repulsion to pornography and desensitizes its consumers of its harms.

PornHarms picked up my article on Pornography Addiction

I wrote this article for DeseretConnect's FamilyShare.com in March.

Deseret Digital Media NewsOK publishes content from Deseret Digital Media, which has a network of websites that includes KSL.com, DeseretNews.com and FamilyShare.com

Pornography Harms picked it up.

Pornography Harms

April 25 at 7:00am · Edited · 

The Five Stages of Pornography Addiction

Viewing pornography can lead to addiction. The habit-forming substance is explicit sexual material. There are five stages of pornography addiction. Do you think you, your spouse, or someone you know might be addicted to pornography?

READ ABOUT IT HERE! *

* Deseret Digital Media has since taken down my article due to too much inappropriate content in the comments. The publishers said I did not give enough "self-help" information. However, NewsOK.com picked it up and it sometimes comes through. Try the link above and see what happens.

Luckily, I saved it, so you can read it now below. I promised myself I would not hold back in this blog--no holds barred--when explaining about the nuances of this pernicious evil. I tell it like it is, I give my research, and you decide for yourself.

I, most of all, want women like me--like I was before I did all this research--to understand about the repercussions of pornography in your marriage. Don't be in denial, like I was.

5 stages of pornography addiction

By:  Susan Knight

About one in seven men, and one in three women are addicted to porn. The largest users of online pornography are 12 to 17-year-olds. Teenagers. Fifty-six percent of divorces involve one spouse with a pornography addiction (mind-armor.com). Yes, addiction—not just viewing for recreational pleasure, but viewing it because it becomes a compulsion and the addict can’t think of or do anything else.

Do you think you, your spouse, or someone else you know might be addicted to pornography? Following are the five stages of a pornography addiction:

1. Early exposure. As was stated, the largest users of online porn are children ages twelve to seventeen. Most boys have a curiosity about the opposite sex and, unfortunately, think they can learn more about them on Internet porn sites. They yield to the enticement offered by non-human, unemotional contact. Unless they can navigate away from this temptation, they are seduced. There are new statistics that teenage boys are being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction due to advanced pornography abuse.

2. Addiction. Addiction takes place when the initial naïve curiosity turns into a physical dependence for this degenerate type of sexual arousal. In a pornography addiction, the habit-forming “substance” is explicit sexual material. To satisfy the addiction, the addict relies on the Internet, DVDs, uses his smartphone or looks at magazines or books.

Using porn increases to more than recreational exploit. The addict loses control of his or her thoughts in pursuit of the drug. The images establish themselves in the brain and are hard to shake for visually-wired males. Porn is needed for arousal and is used on a regular basis. Instead of a vein or a lung, the substance is taken in via the eyes directly to the visual cortex in the back of the brain, releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and endorphins, producing a “high.” All addictions share the same brain changes.

"Constant novelty, at the click of a mouse, can cause addiction," said Gary Wilson of TEDx, in "The Great Porn Experiment." Dopamine rewards you for seeking the visual pleasures porn presents. It makes you feel good. The brain chemicals motivate some to repeat this behavior. You keep coming back. You can’t stop. You’re hooked. Because of this chemical release — and the consequences of behavior — pornography addiction is considered to be a form of chemical brain damage. People become dependent on pornography for physical and emotional satisfaction.

3. Desensitization. Just as in any chemical dependency, the amount of pornography the addict previously used is not enough to stimulate these brain chemicals. Dopamine loves novelty. When the reward wears off, the dopamine release declines, therefore pleasure declines, the libido declines, and may cause erectile dysfunction in males. Less gratification leads to the desire for greater amounts of hardcore porn. A vicious cycle reigns. Addicts need to intensify reaching the pleasure points in their brains again, only on a more advanced level.

4. Escalation. The addict desires greater pleasure, expanded novelty, so he or she ups the dose. They pursue pernicious, indecent images from the Internet. Porn has become their drug of choice, and self-medication rises to new levels. Licentious sexual images, urges and fantasies dominate the thoughts. This over-stimulation interferes with the normal balance of the addict's brain chemicals. They now crave extreme novelty. Most viewing is done in secret.

5. Acting out sexually. Acting out is the next stage of escalation. The addict moves from viewing pornography to seeking a real world experience. It leads to risky behaviors, like stealing from joint bank accounts to pay for prostitutes, binge drinking for heightened courage to act out, unexplained anger or promiscuous sex. The latter may, and does, cause STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Leaving their boring spouses behind, who long ago failed to fulfill sexual gratification, addicted men and women actively seek other live sex partners. If married, the addict will think nothing of committing adultery to satiate the craving for intense sexual novelty. Men will visit prostitutes; women will pick up men in bars or at the gym, or resort to cyber porn (including email, chat rooms, and social media). Chatting with strangers who vicariously satisfy sexual needs behind closed doors is adultery—ask any spouse who is victim of their partner's porn addiction and has acted out in the cyber world. It's emotional adultery and may lead to acting out with live partners.

Depending on the level of graphic, hardcore porn the addict has viewed in order to spiral to the acting-out level, some escalate to the deviant sexual behaviors and perversions of rape, child molestation, incest and even murder. Pornography could be considered a gateway drug to severe criminal behaviors.

In Ted Bundy’s final interview on the day of his execution, James Dobson uncovered the knowledge that the impetus of this serial killer’s criminal rampage began with an addiction to pornography which escalated to acting out.

A pornography addiction is about selfishness—getting, taking—not giving, as it would be in a normal intimate relationship with a spouse. The addiction makes it impossible for any emotional or marital familiarity, closeness or love.

The admission of addiction and desire to be rid of it is the beginning of recovery. It's the beginning of renewal, mending of self and relationships. In a perfect world, the addict will crave freedom from the addiction and seek help.

For more information about pornography addiction and recovery:

LifeStar therapy

“Taking the power away from porn—for good.”

Fight the new drug

Morality in Media/Porn Harms



I'd love to know your thoughts in the comments section. Even though this is a dirty subject, please keep your comments clean.

The Great Porn Experiment--TEDxGlasgow

This is such a great YouTube.
I hope you will watch it.
It gives so much information about pornography addiction.
I just thought . . . how sad that I want to know this . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=youtu.be

I'm Still Here

By Susan Knight

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here.

I let my Divorce Memoir run the course of three chapters (check out the top right side-bar), then life happened and I got busy.

That's not to say I haven't been writing.

Actually, I submitted my first three chapters to a writing contest and won Third Place in the Adult Category. I found out I was the only non-fiction submission of about twenty in the category.

Feeling pretty awesome about that.

I have to laugh, though. I don't think it will ever be published as a book, at least not through traditional publishing. Who would want to publish a book with that content? Did you read it?

I mean, lots of people--women going through the same thing I did, or people who like to read about angst--would want to read about it, I'm sure. It's entertaining, like a soap opera is entertaining. But I hope it gives women like me a look into another crazy mind of a betrayed woman who is going through--and got--a divorce.

I hope it shows the many steps necessary, such as Denial, Disappointment, Decisions, Deceit--until we get to the chapter on Departure, and eventually . . . you know, that other "D" word that shall not be named. Who knew there were so many appropriate "D" words for this predicament? Not to mention the "D" word itself.

That "D" word is one we don't like to speak about and is a scary thought, especially if one was married for thirty-three years like I was. People--battered women; abused women; betrayed women--don't want to leave their "comfort zone," even if that zone is in the bottom of the abysmal PITS.

Isn't that funny? I don't mean funny-haha; I mean funny-peculiar. Though our lives couldn't seem to possibly get worse, we couldn't think of leaving what we're used to.

It finally took adultery, pornography, and stealing from our joint checking account to convince me to go, no matter I had been verbally abused for over thirty years.

One thing I learned--the abuse was reason enough for a divorce.

Part of me thinks my (ex) husband escalated the behaviors to get me to make the decision. He knew I had taken it for so long and would continue in my "comfort zone." When he started trolling the Internet, and getting bites, he needed to move to the next level and that involved getting me out. Yeah, part of me thinks that.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating divorce. If your spouse sincerely wants to change; if he genuinely loves you and is repentant and is proving he wants to change, like going to AA or another addiction program, it's probably worth a wait-and-see. I went through all that in one of those "D" chapters.

Like I said. . . that's a scary "D" word. If you find yourself in my past situation, though, with someone who is abusive, cheats on you, steals money from joint funds, is addicted to pornography, and is unrepentant, well. . .it's still your decision to make to stay or go. I'm not judging.

But when you read that last paragraph, doesn't it just sound silly, in a way?

Just sayin'.

You be the judge.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.