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Friday, August 15, 2014

Fourth Year Anniversary of Flight to Freedom


August 14, 2014
 
Celebrating today the 4th Anniversary of Freedom.

On this date in 2010, I woke up—homeless.

I slept in a nice, warm bed in the in-law suite of my best friend, but I realized, on awakening, I was homeless.

The day before, on what was, ironically, my 33rd wedding anniversary, I left my husband, my home, my community, my ward family, my siblings, nieces and nephews. I left a job I loved, the reputation I had built for over twenty years in my community, and began my journey to freedom.

It wasn’t easy.

But if I did it, anybody can.

A post from my divorce memoir: The Year of My Divorce

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August 14, 2010

August 13: Anniversary of Old Life.

August 14: Inauguration of New Life

Today I am officially homeless.

I mean, I woke up in a cozy bed in a huge, beautiful room at Kathy’s, but yesterday, I left my home of twenty years forever.

Months ago it seemed like this day wouldn’t get here soon enough. I remember saying “2010 is going to be the longest year of my life,” and it has been. And it ain’t over yet.

Divorce is a long process. And it won’t be final until January 1 or thereafter. But at least I won’t have to see him—or hear him—every day. I’ve chosen to go far away. I don’t think I could bear being anywhere near him, or happen to run into him for any coincidence. Far away is the only place for me to go.

Today, I’m feeling down. My identity is gone. I don’t have a job to feel useful in. I don’t have a marriage. I don’t have a home.

But I do have faith in God that I will be well taken care of and looked after. I have a fine family and many faithful friends. I am full of hope.

It’s just . . . today I am homeless.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part III

By Susan Knight


I hope you will read Patricia Evans' books on Verbal Abuse. There are so many insights in those books.

If you are verbally abused, as I was, you will say "Ah-HA!" many times over when you realize the life you've been leading.

When I read her first book, I thought she had written my biography. I could relate to every page. I highlighted almost every sentence. The inside of the book was yellow. Seriously.

I direct you now to a website that addresses FAQs about verbal abuse.

This website addresses the questions:
  • Is name-calling verbal abuse?
  • He acts like it never happened
  • Violence in the home is domestic violence, not a communication problem
  • Has your husband "got" you?
  • The "quiet" abuser
  • When verbal abuse turns physical
  • He turns it around and accuses me of abusing him
  • Women are not turned on to abuse
  • Verbal abuse is not your fault
  • Should I forgive and forget?
  • Why can't I leave him?
  • Have I brought this abuse on myself?
  • The many categories of verbal abuse:
    • Abusive anger
    • Criticizing
    • Name Calling
    • Threatening
    • Blaming
Shame on me, but I could relate to each one of these categories, except for physical abuse. My marriage counselor, however, could see that it would soon turn that way and urged me to get out of my marriage. Bless him.

I grew up in a household of verbal and physical abuse. I thought that's how it was. Although I wanted love and respect, when I didn't get it, I just figured nobody did, no matter how hard I tried. I watched the old fifties television shows and wished I lived in those households where mothers and fathers loved each other and loved their children.

My mother lived in denial her whole married life until my father died. Sometimes, while in the throes of depression due to my ex's name-calling, blaming and verbal abuse, I would call my mother and tell her how unhappy I was. He had just yelled at me and was now outside working in the yard. Working off the anger, I thought.

She would say, "You just have to wait for him to get happy again." It was then that I knew I couldn't confide in my mother. I didn't want to have to wait for him to get happy again. It made me depressed. I wanted him not to be angry and yell and scream and accuse me of things. But that's how my mom dealt with her life. She knew my dad would "get happy again." She had that strength of will and that's how she survived it. Pure denial.

I was in my thirties when I found out my mother grew up with an alcoholic/abusive father. I never knew. My grandfather was an alcoholic and he physically abused my grandmother. My dad never hit or beat my mom, so maybe she thought she was a step up on my grandmother. You know, like, "Well, thank goodness, at least he doesn't beat me. He just yells and puts me down."

I have to admit, I grew up thinking my mother was stupid and lazy, because that's how my dad accused her. Until I was pregnant with my first child, I didn't realize how tired you got. My mom had eight children, the last six in seven years. Can you imagine how tired she was all the time? Not lazy. And when I was an adult, I realized I wanted my mom on my Trivial Pursuit team. She was as smart as a whip. She was a strategic and tactical saleswoman. She could sell anything, and did. She was not stupid. And she was not lazy. She could run rings around me and my sisters and brothers.

Please go to that website. See if it rings true for you. You will learn a lot. If you find yourself relating to any of those categories, I'm so sorry. Please seek help. Find someone to support you--a friend, a family member. Get counseling. It will help you find strength and courage. If you can't be helped, please get out and save yourself.

There's a whole, beautiful world that's not filled with abuse just waiting to welcome you.


Monday, August 4, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part II: depression is destructive

By Susan Knight



Have you ever seen the 1941 movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Spencer Tracey and Ingrid Bergman?

I couldn't watch it. I tried, but I realized something hit home for me. . .I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The realization that I was being verbally abused hadn't arisen from the deep, dark recesses of my psyche. That took someone blatantly telling me I was verbally abused by my husband.

How shocking that was. A friend called me from across the country to tell me. It came at a good time. God is good. His timing is excellent. Had she called me at any other time, I wouldn't have believed her and probably never spoken to her again, as I was keen on saving face, looking good.

She called me the week my husband went on a business trip, right after telling me "I have no desire for you," and refused to be intimate with me. I was devastated. Up until that point, I believed he loved me, despite how he treated me. Those words--that sentence--became the beginning of the breakdown of my cover-up, knowing my married life was a lie.

Thank you, friend, for having the courage to call me long distance (in those days) and tell me my husband was verbally abusing me. She had noticed it when we were on a vacation in Utah. Probably more people noticed it, too, but denied it like I did.

Watch this YouTube music video of segments of Ingrid Bergman's portrayal of an abused woman and follow my play-by-play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rT02hKWxyw.  *
My commentary is in italics. You can read that after you watch.

-As you watch, notice how Champagne Ivy Pearson is vivacious and spunky in the beginning when Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes into her life. She is in love. This is how it was with me. I think the spunkier, smarter, happier you are, the more the abusive predater sees you as prey. He must win you. He must have you. You are a challenge.

-Mr. Hyde amps up his abuse, but she still thinks this is the man she loves and who loves her. When my ex first starting showing signs of anger (right after the honeymoon), I wrote it off as him having a bad day. He had many bad days.

-She is cautious, yet gives him the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt happened almost every day for me. How about you?

-She pretends he is the same person she loves and thinks he loves her. As good people, we can't believe that everyone isn't good like us. We turn the other cheek. We deny what is really going on.

-He gets full control of her. He won't let her out of the house. She isn't allowed to have friends in. She doesn't know what to believe. She chooses to believe he is the man she loves. This happened every day. Every day.

-She becomes depressed. She is confused.  Did you know "confusion" is at the bottom of the ladder of abuse? Teasing is the firtst rung; confusion is the second.

-She is afraid of him now, but she is still confused. She blames herself. Maybe it's because of something she did.  This is how they get you.

-A friend sneaks in to see her, consoles her, and Ivy opens up. Friends are the ones who save you--let you know how wrong you are. They let you know you are worth being saved.

-Ivy is in the throes of depression, sinking in the quicksand. She drinks to try to put it out of her mind. Some drink, some take pills. I couldn't have lived without Prozac, which I took for the last 15 years of my marriage. Without it, I would have killed myself. Yes, literally. I thought about it quite often. I thank my Heavenly Father that I had the courage NOT to drive into that stone wall or telephone pole.


-She acquiesces to his abuse. She knows she can't control it. She begins to hate him, yet, she can't believe he would hurt her. She doesn't realize how hurt she already is. She is abused. She is ruined and she realizes it. In the movie, she wants to commit suicide and asks Dr. Jekyll to help her.

How many major depressive episodes have you had? Depression, auto-immune diseases, PTSD loops--these are hints, the symptoms, that something is wrong with your life. Please don't let it be so obvious to others, and denied by yourself. Please address the issue of your verbally abusive marriage, or any abusive relationship you are in, or have had in the past.

And one more thing. At the end of my marriage, when I was so depressed, so betrayed, so out of my mind, our marriage counselor told me to get out of my marriage as quickly as possible. He said either my ex was going to kill me (verbal abuse can turn on a dime to physical abuse **), or I would kill myself.

Imagine how that made me feel. And, for once, I actually believed him. No other therapist had ever said that. Luckily he could see my ex-husband for what he really was--a narcissist, an adulterer, bi-polar, angry. None of the other therapists ever could.


* The song, "She Couldn't Laugh," which accompanies this music video, is also a beautiful rendition of verbal abuse.


***Spoiler alert *** 

If you know the movie, you know how it ends. Mr. Hyde kills Ivy. He kills his fiancee's father, then his best friend ends up killing Mr. Hyde. If you have the courage to watch, please do. You might see yourself in that movie and wonder why you're putting up with verbal and/or physical abuse.




Saturday, August 2, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part I--Excerpt from My Divorce Memoir

From My Memoir: The Year of My Divorce (names are changed)

January 27, 2010

I’ve been going online looking for information by PatriciaEvans. She’s the one who wrote The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” I read it about fifteen years ago. Lo, and behold, she’s written more books. I sent away for all of them. In fact, I bought two of everything and I’m going to give the extras away, like to Isabella to read, or the stake president.

I found out I’m not the only one who’s been going through verbal abuse. It’s amazing that I’ve lived for so long not knowing about it, yet, there it is, plain as day in my life.

Men call their wives names and wives wonder, is that abuse? Men abuse their wives, then the men act happy, like nothing ever happened. Wow. I can relate to that.

Jerry would spend an hour screaming at me, leave me for dead, emotionally, then the next thing I’d hear is him whistling like he was the happiest person in the world. I can’t stand to hear anyone whistle now. It brings up too many bad memories. Come to think of it, my dad did the same thing.

So the website says verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened because they feel the relationship is fine and they feel like they have more control—power over. If they get you to feel afraid or to back down, it makes them happy.

Abuse usually happens behind closed doors. That’s true in my life. Most verbal abusers are charming and helpful men in public. Jerry treats me very well in public. He can scream at me Saturday night and the next day in church he is sweet as pie—in front of other people. Most of the time I just stare at him, wide-eyed, confused.

One time he bore his testimony in church about how he owes everything to me and that I help make him the man he is. He had just spent an hour deriding me to tears the night before and I couldn’t even take the sacrament because I had so many bad thoughts about him.

While he went on at the pulpit, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to hand over my baby to someone sitting behind me so I could run to the bathroom. I can’t remember who it was. I spent the remainder of sacrament meeting dry heaving into the toilet.

When we got home, I told him, calmly, if he ever did that again, mention my name whatsoever, I would be the next one up to bear my testimony and I will tell them all the real story. He never did that again.

The website also says women who have been abused don’t take to an abuser, sexually. That’s because we’re too traumatized and don’t have any trust in the man. Women need to have trust in order to be intimate. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to Jerry.

Women are not turned on to men who abuse them. I told him one time, men can be ready for intimacy one minute before midnight. Women start at eight o’clock in the morning to be ready for intimacy at midnight. What happens during the day affects them all day.

Reading this website also tells me that men only change to get their partners back, but once they have them back, they slowly start the control again. How many times have I been through that? Too numerous to count. Abuse, abuse, abuse; win back. Repeat.

Once I tried to watch “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” the Spencer Tracy/Ingrid Bergman version. I couldn’t watch it. It hit home too much.

And now, on top of all the abuse I’ve suffered over the years, there’s adultery. How much more do I have to take?

I’m supposed to be working on my marriage and I only have anger that needs to come out.

Forgive me, Lord. What should I do? Help me, Lord.