Have Courage

In my book, Connected in Love, one of my characters, Cammie Bentley, is the wife of a verbally abusive man, Like all abused women, she is afraid of him. She's afraid to make waves. She's afraid to cross him. She's even afraid to voice her own opinions, knowing he will be upset and take it out on her by harangues, vindictive threats, and passive-aggressive actions.

The Main Character--protagonist--Mary Donohue, tries to convince her she must have courage to be able to stand up to him. Cammie is still afraid, even knowing she has to make a decision. His outbursts are escalating. What she doesn't know is, his pornography viewing is also escalating.

Mary convinces Cammie that courage does not mean you aren't afraid. Courage means you do what needs to be done despite being afraid.

What are you putting off because you're afraid?

Small Acts of Courage

“What may look like a small act of courage is courage nevertheless. The important thing is to be willing to take a step forward.”

~Dr. Daisaku Ikeda

Courage is what I lacked my whole life. I had too much fear. 

Fear can paralyze you.

Fear takes away your agency.

Fear overcomes you and swallows you up until the you in you doesn't exist anymore.

Courage is acting in spite of the fear. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not afraid.

But you do whatever it is you need to do anyway.

My Book Review of "Shattered. . . " Shared

Good news for me. Fay A. Klinger, who, along with Bettyanne Bruin, wrote "Shattered: six steps from betrayal to recovery," just posted my book review of her book on her Facebook author page and in her newsletter coming out next month.
For those of you who missed it, look in my archive on July 25, 2013 where I wrote the review of the only book that really helped me understand what I was going through with this Triple A Divorce.

I urge you to check it out. I'm sure it will help you, too.

Excerpt from My Memoir--verbal abuse

November 24, 2009

I am the loneliest married woman in the world. I can’t talk to my husband because he takes everything I say the wrong way. For instance, I know he likes to ride his bike and he was upset one day because he heard it was going to rain.

“Oh, no, I heard it's going to be sunny,” I told him, smiling.

He yelled, “Do you have to disagree with everything I say?”

I thought it would make him happy to hear it wasn’t going to rain, but it didn’t.

I just try to keep neutral. I neither smile nor frown. When I’m around him, my face is frozen like it’s lost the ability to move a muscle.  If he says something to me, I just say, “Uh-huh,” and say nothing more.

I forgot not to comment about the weather.

I’ve been married over thirty years and except for maybe the first two, I’ve been verbally abused. The first two were testing the waters for him. I failed miserably in the test. I actually had opinions about things. I found out quickly that wasn’t allowed.

Teen's Porn Brain Article Was Too Soft

By Susan Knight

 

Warning: this blog post may be too graphic for the faint-hearted.


We've all been there. One website led to another. Only this was an article about how porn affects teenage brains, and not porn itself. Click on the title below.

 

Your Teen's Porn Brain

I think the article was too soft. It wasn't scary enough. The author should have delved more into what can and does happen to the brain when viewing, and getting addicted to porn.

The sad part was the comment section. Most of the comments were by teenagers who have NO IDEA!

 

The following is what I wrote in the comment section:

 

I didn't read every single comment because it got me too frustrated.

You all have no idea . . . really . . .

I was so naive about the harm pornography causes. For those of tender teenage years, you haven't lived through a marriage that was torn apart by a husband's pornography addiction that began in his teens.

He never knew or understood what true love is, or showing love through the sexual act, which should be a private display and not public. It's supposed to be intimate and beautiful, not public and rough and wretched.

First of all, pornography, like anything, will be addictive to those with addictive personalities. Not all people who drink alcohol become alcoholics. Some know when to stop drinking. Not all people become addicted to porn. At some point, they know when to stop watching and can stop themselves.

For those who don't stop, the pleasure part of their brains need more and more to be satisfied. What was titillating last week needs to be upgraded this week. It's the dopamine effect.

Addicts then proceed to advanced masturbation and cannot be satisfied by physical sex between man and woman because using one's hand causes more pleasing friction than a vagina. Normal sex is not supercharged enough. It's not like the porn they watch, forgetting that camera angles can be deceiving, and editing can create a beguiling fantasy. Not to mention, bodies that are enhanced by plastic surgery.

And don't fool yourselves. Women are degraded in pornography. It's too graphic to describe. Lives are ruined. It's a dirt-bag industry--billion-dollar industry.

The chemistry in porn-addicted brains changes, leading to a form of brain damage. Pornography reaches all five pleasure points of the brain. Heroin, three. Yes, it's more addictive than heroin and more is needed to satisfy. Then those images become all they think about, even at work. I would like to see the statistics of how many men are fired for viewing porn at work. I know of men in my own company who have been caught and fired. They cannot quit it to work.

Eventually, because the ruse of porn is obsessive and the craving can't be satisfied by real life, men stop having sex with their wives/girlfriends.

I knew a man who was involved with a gorgeous woman, a super-model, athletic type, but he chose porn and prostitutes who would give him the dirty-type sex he desired--porn--which his girlfriend knew was appalling and not how real lovers behave toward each other.

Women, who are co-dependents to this behavior, have self-esteem issues because the message they get is that they are not good enough for these sex addicts.

I didn't know any of this in my life until my husband's porn addiction came to light. I quickly found out what I was up against. It's like dealing with any other addict.

After my divorce, and I confided with a few about what happened and why, so many women came out of the woodwork to talk to me about their situations, similar to--and worse--than mine. We helped each other cope and we continue to help each other heal. It's a long road with many steps to climb.

Pornography is a betrayal like infidelity, especially when spouses view it in secret. Like all addicts, they lie, steal money from joint bank accounts to fund their addictions, seek prostitutes and, for some, go over to the darker side of deviant sexual behaviors. Oh, yes. It's true. Unfortunately, I know about it firsthand.

For those whose partners are OK with it . . . I suggest you examine your reasons for putting up with it. What is the purpose of it? Why is it OK for your intimacy to be so damaged yet acceptable? Wake up!

Unfortunately, you will find out, in the end, it's not worth it.

 

 

I don't know if my comment was published. Too graphic? I had to stop myself.