Blog Archive

Friday, August 15, 2014

Fourth Year Anniversary of Flight to Freedom


August 14, 2014
 
Celebrating today the 4th Anniversary of Freedom.

On this date in 2010, I woke up—homeless.

I slept in a nice, warm bed in the in-law suite of my best friend, but I realized, on awakening, I was homeless.

The day before, on what was, ironically, my 33rd wedding anniversary, I left my husband, my home, my community, my ward family, my siblings, nieces and nephews. I left a job I loved, the reputation I had built for over twenty years in my community, and began my journey to freedom.

It wasn’t easy.

But if I did it, anybody can.

A post from my divorce memoir: The Year of My Divorce

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

August 14, 2010

August 13: Anniversary of Old Life.

August 14: Inauguration of New Life

Today I am officially homeless.

I mean, I woke up in a cozy bed in a huge, beautiful room at Kathy’s, but yesterday, I left my home of twenty years forever.

Months ago it seemed like this day wouldn’t get here soon enough. I remember saying “2010 is going to be the longest year of my life,” and it has been. And it ain’t over yet.

Divorce is a long process. And it won’t be final until January 1 or thereafter. But at least I won’t have to see him—or hear him—every day. I’ve chosen to go far away. I don’t think I could bear being anywhere near him, or happen to run into him for any coincidence. Far away is the only place for me to go.

Today, I’m feeling down. My identity is gone. I don’t have a job to feel useful in. I don’t have a marriage. I don’t have a home.

But I do have faith in God that I will be well taken care of and looked after. I have a fine family and many faithful friends. I am full of hope.

It’s just . . . today I am homeless.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part III

By Susan Knight


I hope you will read Patricia Evans' books on Verbal Abuse. There are so many insights in those books.

If you are verbally abused, as I was, you will say "Ah-HA!" many times over when you realize the life you've been leading.

When I read her first book, I thought she had written my biography. I could relate to every page. I highlighted almost every sentence. The inside of the book was yellow. Seriously.

I direct you now to a website that addresses FAQs about verbal abuse.

This website addresses the questions:
  • Is name-calling verbal abuse?
  • He acts like it never happened
  • Violence in the home is domestic violence, not a communication problem
  • Has your husband "got" you?
  • The "quiet" abuser
  • When verbal abuse turns physical
  • He turns it around and accuses me of abusing him
  • Women are not turned on to abuse
  • Verbal abuse is not your fault
  • Should I forgive and forget?
  • Why can't I leave him?
  • Have I brought this abuse on myself?
  • The many categories of verbal abuse:
    • Abusive anger
    • Criticizing
    • Name Calling
    • Threatening
    • Blaming
Shame on me, but I could relate to each one of these categories, except for physical abuse. My marriage counselor, however, could see that it would soon turn that way and urged me to get out of my marriage. Bless him.

I grew up in a household of verbal and physical abuse. I thought that's how it was. Although I wanted love and respect, when I didn't get it, I just figured nobody did, no matter how hard I tried. I watched the old fifties television shows and wished I lived in those households where mothers and fathers loved each other and loved their children.

My mother lived in denial her whole married life until my father died. Sometimes, while in the throes of depression due to my ex's name-calling, blaming and verbal abuse, I would call my mother and tell her how unhappy I was. He had just yelled at me and was now outside working in the yard. Working off the anger, I thought.

She would say, "You just have to wait for him to get happy again." It was then that I knew I couldn't confide in my mother. I didn't want to have to wait for him to get happy again. It made me depressed. I wanted him not to be angry and yell and scream and accuse me of things. But that's how my mom dealt with her life. She knew my dad would "get happy again." She had that strength of will and that's how she survived it. Pure denial.

I was in my thirties when I found out my mother grew up with an alcoholic/abusive father. I never knew. My grandfather was an alcoholic and he physically abused my grandmother. My dad never hit or beat my mom, so maybe she thought she was a step up on my grandmother. You know, like, "Well, thank goodness, at least he doesn't beat me. He just yells and puts me down."

I have to admit, I grew up thinking my mother was stupid and lazy, because that's how my dad accused her. Until I was pregnant with my first child, I didn't realize how tired you got. My mom had eight children, the last six in seven years. Can you imagine how tired she was all the time? Not lazy. And when I was an adult, I realized I wanted my mom on my Trivial Pursuit team. She was as smart as a whip. She was a strategic and tactical saleswoman. She could sell anything, and did. She was not stupid. And she was not lazy. She could run rings around me and my sisters and brothers.

Please go to that website. See if it rings true for you. You will learn a lot. If you find yourself relating to any of those categories, I'm so sorry. Please seek help. Find someone to support you--a friend, a family member. Get counseling. It will help you find strength and courage. If you can't be helped, please get out and save yourself.

There's a whole, beautiful world that's not filled with abuse just waiting to welcome you.


Monday, August 4, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part II: depression is destructive

By Susan Knight



Have you ever seen the 1941 movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Spencer Tracey and Ingrid Bergman?

I couldn't watch it. I tried, but I realized something hit home for me. . .I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The realization that I was being verbally abused hadn't arisen from the deep, dark recesses of my psyche. That took someone blatantly telling me I was verbally abused by my husband.

How shocking that was. A friend called me from across the country to tell me. It came at a good time. God is good. His timing is excellent. Had she called me at any other time, I wouldn't have believed her and probably never spoken to her again, as I was keen on saving face, looking good.

She called me the week my husband went on a business trip, right after telling me "I have no desire for you," and refused to be intimate with me. I was devastated. Up until that point, I believed he loved me, despite how he treated me. Those words--that sentence--became the beginning of the breakdown of my cover-up, knowing my married life was a lie.

Thank you, friend, for having the courage to call me long distance (in those days) and tell me my husband was verbally abusing me. She had noticed it when we were on a vacation in Utah. Probably more people noticed it, too, but denied it like I did.

Watch this YouTube music video of segments of Ingrid Bergman's portrayal of an abused woman and follow my play-by-play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rT02hKWxyw.  *
My commentary is in italics. You can read that after you watch.

-As you watch, notice how Champagne Ivy Pearson is vivacious and spunky in the beginning when Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes into her life. She is in love. This is how it was with me. I think the spunkier, smarter, happier you are, the more the abusive predater sees you as prey. He must win you. He must have you. You are a challenge.

-Mr. Hyde amps up his abuse, but she still thinks this is the man she loves and who loves her. When my ex first starting showing signs of anger (right after the honeymoon), I wrote it off as him having a bad day. He had many bad days.

-She is cautious, yet gives him the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt happened almost every day for me. How about you?

-She pretends he is the same person she loves and thinks he loves her. As good people, we can't believe that everyone isn't good like us. We turn the other cheek. We deny what is really going on.

-He gets full control of her. He won't let her out of the house. She isn't allowed to have friends in. She doesn't know what to believe. She chooses to believe he is the man she loves. This happened every day. Every day.

-She becomes depressed. She is confused.  Did you know "confusion" is at the bottom of the ladder of abuse? Teasing is the firtst rung; confusion is the second.

-She is afraid of him now, but she is still confused. She blames herself. Maybe it's because of something she did.  This is how they get you.

-A friend sneaks in to see her, consoles her, and Ivy opens up. Friends are the ones who save you--let you know how wrong you are. They let you know you are worth being saved.

-Ivy is in the throes of depression, sinking in the quicksand. She drinks to try to put it out of her mind. Some drink, some take pills. I couldn't have lived without Prozac, which I took for the last 15 years of my marriage. Without it, I would have killed myself. Yes, literally. I thought about it quite often. I thank my Heavenly Father that I had the courage NOT to drive into that stone wall or telephone pole.


-She acquiesces to his abuse. She knows she can't control it. She begins to hate him, yet, she can't believe he would hurt her. She doesn't realize how hurt she already is. She is abused. She is ruined and she realizes it. In the movie, she wants to commit suicide and asks Dr. Jekyll to help her.

How many major depressive episodes have you had? Depression, auto-immune diseases, PTSD loops--these are hints, the symptoms, that something is wrong with your life. Please don't let it be so obvious to others, and denied by yourself. Please address the issue of your verbally abusive marriage, or any abusive relationship you are in, or have had in the past.

And one more thing. At the end of my marriage, when I was so depressed, so betrayed, so out of my mind, our marriage counselor told me to get out of my marriage as quickly as possible. He said either my ex was going to kill me (verbal abuse can turn on a dime to physical abuse **), or I would kill myself.

Imagine how that made me feel. And, for once, I actually believed him. No other therapist had ever said that. Luckily he could see my ex-husband for what he really was--a narcissist, an adulterer, bi-polar, angry. None of the other therapists ever could.


* The song, "She Couldn't Laugh," which accompanies this music video, is also a beautiful rendition of verbal abuse.


***Spoiler alert *** 

If you know the movie, you know how it ends. Mr. Hyde kills Ivy. He kills his fiancee's father, then his best friend ends up killing Mr. Hyde. If you have the courage to watch, please do. You might see yourself in that movie and wonder why you're putting up with verbal and/or physical abuse.




Saturday, August 2, 2014

Verbal Abuse, Part I--Excerpt from My Divorce Memoir

From My Memoir: The Year of My Divorce (names are changed)

January 27, 2010

I’ve been going online looking for information by PatriciaEvans. She’s the one who wrote The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” I read it about fifteen years ago. Lo, and behold, she’s written more books. I sent away for all of them. In fact, I bought two of everything and I’m going to give the extras away, like to Isabella to read, or the stake president.

I found out I’m not the only one who’s been going through verbal abuse. It’s amazing that I’ve lived for so long not knowing about it, yet, there it is, plain as day in my life.

Men call their wives names and wives wonder, is that abuse? Men abuse their wives, then the men act happy, like nothing ever happened. Wow. I can relate to that.

Jerry would spend an hour screaming at me, leave me for dead, emotionally, then the next thing I’d hear is him whistling like he was the happiest person in the world. I can’t stand to hear anyone whistle now. It brings up too many bad memories. Come to think of it, my dad did the same thing.

So the website says verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened because they feel the relationship is fine and they feel like they have more control—power over. If they get you to feel afraid or to back down, it makes them happy.

Abuse usually happens behind closed doors. That’s true in my life. Most verbal abusers are charming and helpful men in public. Jerry treats me very well in public. He can scream at me Saturday night and the next day in church he is sweet as pie—in front of other people. Most of the time I just stare at him, wide-eyed, confused.

One time he bore his testimony in church about how he owes everything to me and that I help make him the man he is. He had just spent an hour deriding me to tears the night before and I couldn’t even take the sacrament because I had so many bad thoughts about him.

While he went on at the pulpit, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to hand over my baby to someone sitting behind me so I could run to the bathroom. I can’t remember who it was. I spent the remainder of sacrament meeting dry heaving into the toilet.

When we got home, I told him, calmly, if he ever did that again, mention my name whatsoever, I would be the next one up to bear my testimony and I will tell them all the real story. He never did that again.

The website also says women who have been abused don’t take to an abuser, sexually. That’s because we’re too traumatized and don’t have any trust in the man. Women need to have trust in order to be intimate. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to Jerry.

Women are not turned on to men who abuse them. I told him one time, men can be ready for intimacy one minute before midnight. Women start at eight o’clock in the morning to be ready for intimacy at midnight. What happens during the day affects them all day.

Reading this website also tells me that men only change to get their partners back, but once they have them back, they slowly start the control again. How many times have I been through that? Too numerous to count. Abuse, abuse, abuse; win back. Repeat.

Once I tried to watch “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” the Spencer Tracy/Ingrid Bergman version. I couldn’t watch it. It hit home too much.

And now, on top of all the abuse I’ve suffered over the years, there’s adultery. How much more do I have to take?

I’m supposed to be working on my marriage and I only have anger that needs to come out.

Forgive me, Lord. What should I do? Help me, Lord.


Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?


By Susan Knight


Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.


It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.



Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

Monday, July 28, 2014

I'm Still Here

By Susan Knight

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here.

I let my Divorce Memoir run the course of three chapters (check out the top right side-bar), then life happened and I got busy.

That's not to say I haven't been writing.

Actually, I submitted my first three chapters to a writing contest and won Third Place in the Adult Category. I found out I was the only non-fiction submission of about twenty in the category.

Feeling pretty awesome about that.

I have to laugh, though. I don't think it will ever be published as a book, at least not through traditional publishing. Who would want to publish a book with that content? Did you read it?

I mean, lots of people--women going through the same thing I did, or people who like to read about angst--would want to read about it, I'm sure. It's entertaining, like a soap opera is entertaining. But I hope it gives women like me a look into another crazy mind of a betrayed woman who is going through--and got--a divorce.

I hope it shows the many steps necessary, such as Denial, Disappointment, Decisions, Deceit--until we get to the chapter on Departure, and eventually . . . you know, that other "D" word that shall not be named. Who knew there were so many appropriate "D" words for this predicament? Not to mention the "D" word itself.

That "D" word is one we don't like to speak about and is a scary thought, especially if one was married for thirty-three years like I was. People--battered women; abused women; betrayed women--don't want to leave their "comfort zone," even if that zone is in the bottom of the abysmal PITS.

Isn't that funny? I don't mean funny-haha; I mean funny-peculiar. Though our lives couldn't seem to possibly get worse, we couldn't think of leaving what we're used to.

It finally took adultery, pornography, and stealing from our joint checking account to convince me to go, no matter I had been verbally abused for over thirty years.

One thing I learned--the abuse was reason enough for a divorce.

Part of me thinks my (ex) husband escalated the behaviors to get me to make the decision. He knew I had taken it for so long and would continue in my "comfort zone." When he started trolling the Internet, and getting bites, he needed to move to the next level and that involved getting me out. Yeah, part of me thinks that.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating divorce. If your spouse sincerely wants to change; if he genuinely loves you and is repentant and is proving he wants to change, like going to AA or another addiction program, it's probably worth a wait-and-see. I went through all that in one of those "D" chapters.

Like I said. . . that's a scary "D" word. If you find yourself in my past situation, though, with someone who is abusive, cheats on you, steals money from joint funds, is addicted to pornography, and is unrepentant, well. . .it's still your decision to make to stay or go. I'm not judging.

But when you read that last paragraph, doesn't it just sound silly, in a way?

Just sayin'.

You be the judge.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Stuck on Another Step

 
 
I said in my last blog that receiving that check in the mail, which ended three months of back-and-forth with lawyers, has caused me to find some happiness. The happiness is not in receiving the money, but in knowing I used courage to stand up to him and won the battle.

I hope I don't have to repeat that. Perhaps he now knows he is being watched by more than just me. However, I think the courage step will be well-worn before the last battle is over.

I have also been thinking a lot about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is hard. I would much rather repent than forgive.
I've been sitting on the courage step now, just sitting, my legs dangling over, looking down at all the many, tall steps I've conquered. I've climbed a mountain of steps. I now look up at the monstrous step of forgiveness and am daunted.
I thought the courage step was intimidating.

I've been reading a lot about forgiveness, and friends have told me it takes a while, like a flower unfolding; you won't even realize it's happened. Some have said it's not a destination, it's a journey.
I know I have to forgive--not for him, but for me.

There's a scripture in my church: "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive. Of you it is required to forgive all men." I think about that often.

Even though I have forgiven him seventy times seven--million--times, I know this time is the one that counts the most for me. I have to forgive him, not in a co-dependent way, but in a godly way, so I can let go of all the hurt and pain of the past. This is courageous forgiveness. It will take great faith and hope and patience.

I know he will never change toward me. He will always harbor the abusive attitude. He will always try to initimidate and lord it over me. He will always see himself as a victim. Working through the lawyers taught me that. I just have to tell myself it doesn't matter anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. Like a mantra.

It's been five years since I learned of his infidelities. In a few days, it will be three years since the divorce decree was granted. Hallelujah! That piece of paper proclaimed my freedom from him.

Now I need the freedom forgiveness will bring.

Legs still dangling, I wonder, where do I start? I look above me at the gigantic next step and wonder, how do I do this?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Happiness Achieved

Happiness
 
If you've been following my blog, you will know the significance of this figurine. If not, I'll tell you here. A few posts ago, I said if the ex ever stepped up to keep his part of the divorce settlement, I would display "Happiness" on my blog.
I found two figurines, Courage and Happiness. Courage is on my blog as a constant reminder of what I need to keep climbing those Divorce Steps. I bought Happiness with the hope I could display it when the lawyer battle was over and victory was achieved.
I've been away for a month or so. I took a trip to Florida for my niece's wedding, then, when I got home I developed an illness that I have had to get through. My writing took a back seat to these other things, including my new puppy, Tobey. (House-training secrets are welcome in the comments!)
So, the saga continued through October until, finally, my lawyer told his lawyer that if he didn't pay me the money he owed me by the end of October, he would be taken to court.
I have to confess, I did not want to do this. The thought of having to be in a courtroom with him made me physically ill. I spoke in that other post about how I went to a therapist and how she helped me battle my fear and find Courage. And I couldn't have done it without my friends giving me kind and strong support.
Lo, and behold, on October 30, I came home from work to the mail and what did I find? An envelope from "him." In it was a check. I couldn't believe it. After three years, he finally paid on the debt he owed me. In fact, when I got back from Florida, another check arrived--his back alimony payments, well, some of them.
Yes, I did the happy dance, and I immediately displayed this lovely figurine on my mantle with my Christmas Nativity.
 

I know it sounds strange, at least to me, and it has nothing to do with money, but knowing that this battle is over, really has made me very happy. It's as if a burden was lifted. I stood my ground, for one of the very few times in my marriage (un-marriage now), and conquered my fears.
I feel as if the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, has once again guided me through this tough ride, prompting me to take it on in the first place, then egging me on with the help of some very significant friends in my life, to accomplish this fearsome thing.
I really feel as if I have climbed another tall, dreadful, frightening step in this divorce saga. It was one of the hardest yet. Yay, me.


This portrays exactly how I feel. Bluebirds of Happiness are flying around me and landing on me. I know, if you put forth the work and have Courage, you could climb this step as well. Whatever in your life is getting you down, you can conquer it. Though the climb is steep, if you take a deep breath--really breathe deeply, pray, ponder, pray again--success will be yours.
Like the Cowardly Lion of Oz who overcame his obstacles in life, you will achieve Courage.
If I can do it, I know YOU can, too.
 
 Courage