Bloom Where You are Planted

This rings so true for me. There were times I was so depressed, I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand and I couldn't find any foothold with which to boost myself upward. I felt buried, but not only buried, but that pernicious roots and vines had engulfed me, wrapping around my whole body to keep me in my underground tomb.
In hindsight, I realize it as the refiner's fire taking me to a place I needed to be to realize I didn't want to be there anymore.
Now I am planted in a home 2,000 miles away from where I started, and blooming beautifully.

RESILIENCE and CONTROL

I took a great training at work yesterday. The graphic and list are from that training through Intermountain Healthcare.

The question asked was Are You Resilient?

A resilient person will go with the flow, see that she can't change the current situation, so adapts to do whatever is necessary to keep on keeping on.

For instance, if your toddler gets into your just-folded clothes in the laundry basket and strews them all over the room, you can become angry and scold and fly off the handle, resulting in resentment and confusion on your child's part; or you can look over the situation, see the big picture, and realize your toddler thought he was having fun and you might like to play, too. 

As you can see in the graphic below, there are things that are in your control, things you can influence, and things that are out of your control. You can control your attitude. You can influence a wayward child, but you can't control the way another person behaves. 

Now that I'm divorced, I've realized just how resilient I've become. My stress level has gone way down to point where I don't need any anti-depressants,or drugs to help me sleep. I was so afraid of leaving my abusive situation, but as I look back, I wish I would have had the courage to leave when I first had the feeling my marriage wasn't right. Instead, I waited thirty years.

I can't control the past. I can only enjoy the here and now.  I so want that for all of you who might be going through an abusive situation. Please recognize your worth.

The list below outlines a great way to take some small steps to overcome your need for control and find the Calgon moments in your life.

Make lemonade!

How can you increase your resilience?

Here are some small step experiments:

1. Do a self-evaluation. What are you doing that helps you be resilient? Where could you improve?

2. Journal for a day what stresses arise where you have no control. Track what you choose to do in those situations.

3. When you are feeling stressed, ask yourself three questions:

a. Am I stressed about something I don’t control?

b. How do I want to respond to this?

c. What can I do to influence this situation?

d. What can I control in this situation? (it may be just my attitude)

4. Take some time to write your mission statement. Identify what is most important to you and where you find comfort in difficult times. What gives you roots? What are you most committed to do in this life? Put it in a frame and post it where you see it everyday.

5. Make a list with two columns. On the left hand side, write down the most challenging situations you have experienced thus far in your life. In the right hand column, identify what growth you discovered because of that challenge. (How long did it take to make the discovery?)

• Does this remind you that you can do hard things?

• Did the characteristics of control, commitment or challenge affect your ability to bounce higher?

• In retrospect, what else helped you bounce higher with that experience?

6. Make a list of current concerns that you have, but of which you have no direct control. Examples may include: my job is changing; my child married someone I don’t like. Write down what you want your response to be in these situations.

• I’m going to understand how my job is changing by attending meetings and reading about the changes. I’m going to see this as a great challenge to increase my skills.

• I’m going to get to know my son-in-law better and identify his strengths.

7. Identify the most common times when you feel out of control. Is there a skill that would give you more control in these situations? For example, learning to say “no” gives you more control over your time and your energy. Learning how to reflectively listen with your teenager may increase your influence. How can you learn and practice this skill?

8. The next time you are feeling like a victim in a situation, ask yourself these three questions:

a. Am I pretending not to notice my role in this situation? (when you’re feeling like you’re a victim, not an actor)

b. Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this? (when you are making a person a villain)

c. What is the right thing to do right now to move toward what I really want? (when you are feeling hopeless)

9. Practice living in the now.

10. Find a role model of resilience.

RESILIENCE

braithwaiteinnovationgroup.com

Have Courage

In my book, Connected in Love, one of my characters, Cammie Bentley, is the wife of a verbally abusive man, Like all abused women, she is afraid of him. She's afraid to make waves. She's afraid to cross him. She's even afraid to voice her own opinions, knowing he will be upset and take it out on her by harangues, vindictive threats, and passive-aggressive actions.

The Main Character--protagonist--Mary Donohue, tries to convince her she must have courage to be able to stand up to him. Cammie is still afraid, even knowing she has to make a decision. His outbursts are escalating. What she doesn't know is, his pornography viewing is also escalating.

Mary convinces Cammie that courage does not mean you aren't afraid. Courage means you do what needs to be done despite being afraid.

What are you putting off because you're afraid?

Love Yourself

Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?

By Susan Knight

Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.

It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.

Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

What is Forgiveness?

 

There was a fantastic article in my church magazine last month that explained a lot about forgiveness. It was exactly what I needed to read to spark me to climb this next step.

As a doctor, the writer, Benjamin F. Call, said choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others. He also said he's learned forgiving others brings great spiritual blessings, including peace--and hope.

He explained what forgiveness is. To forgive is to bestow pardon for an offense, to let go of blame and to release that great burden brought on by the hurt. He said it is to move ahead with life. That is exactly what I need to do. I need to move on. I'm tired of being Debbie Downer. I don't want this divorce grief to define who I am and be the only conversation I can have.

Call also spoke of what forgiveness is not. It doesn't mean you condone the wrong, nor does it mean we should stay in a harmful or abusive relationship. I wish I knew that thirty years ago. I always thought I needed to forgive the abuse, but I didn't realize I wasn't required to endure it.

He also said forgiveness is not forgetting. We'll always keep the memory of it, especially since that memory caused us to have to forgive in the first place.

One of the writer's phrases caused alarm in me. He said failing to forgive magnifies the pain. Yikes! I didn't realize that. I suppose it's like a wound that never heals, but festers. All this PTSD I have might be negated through forgiveness. Call said the key to the ability to forgive is resisting the urge to place blame. Hm.

Another great quote in the article--"Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in." I have to learn the past is written indelibly in stone, but the future is not. I can't change what happened to me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can move on.

A piece of advice was to write down grievances, which is what I've been doing for the past five years. He suggested starting to write things by retelling them with a forgiving attitude. It will invite a good spirit and bring a sense of closure to hurt feelings.

I'm not sure I can turn all the vitriol around at this time. At least not all of it at once. My life has a big elephant in the room. All the sordid events happened and I've told about them exactly from my point of view. My experience was very devastating. I was used, abused, betrayed and deceived. It's a lot to get over. I've had five years to mull it around in my psyche and I really don't want to do that anymore. I feel like I've lost five years of my life. It's not who I am. I don't want the Tripple A Divorce to define me. I want to get on with my life.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required." I knew I would be starting from scratch, with no apology. Forgiveness, for me, has to start at its most basic element with no outward impetus. I have to forgive regardless of his neglect to repent.

I realize I will never receive an apology from my former husband. As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (among other pathologies), he will never see himself to blame for anything that happened. If anything, he blames me. He is the victim in his own story. Oh well, I have my own story, too.

James E. Faust said, "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

I have to remember this. I am older now and don't have quite the amount of energy I used to. Whatever energy I do have, I want to use in a good way and not in a negative way.

I also know that all my strength comes from my Heavenly Father, Who loves me. I can also rely on the saving Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to feel peace again.

I do still want to help others overcome their steps to climb in divorce. Otherwise, I would feel it all happened for naught. I have to believe I went through this for a reason, and I'd like to think it's to give perspective to others.

I hope I am still doing a service by having this blog out in cyberspace. I'm still on a learning curve in this crazy ride called "life."

And so, I try to master another step. Wish me luck. (. . . she says as she jumps up to get a foothold on this next tremendous step in the divorce process.)

Happiness Achieved

Happiness

 

If you've been following my blog, you will know the significance of this figurine. If not, I'll tell you here. A few posts ago, I said if the ex ever stepped up to keep his part of the divorce settlement, I would display "Happiness" on my blog.

I found two figurines, Courage and Happiness. Courage is on my blog as a constant reminder of what I need to keep climbing those Divorce Steps. I bought Happiness with the hope I could display it when the lawyer battle was over and victory was achieved.

I've been away for a month or so. I took a trip to Florida for my niece's wedding, then, when I got home I developed an illness that I have had to get through. My writing took a back seat to these other things, including my new puppy, Tobey. (House-training secrets are welcome in the comments!)

So, the saga continued through October until, finally, my lawyer told his lawyer that if he didn't pay me the money he owed me by the end of October, he would be taken to court.

I have to confess, I did not want to do this. The thought of having to be in a courtroom with him made me physically ill. I spoke in that other post about how I went to a therapist and how she helped me battle my fear and find Courage. And I couldn't have done it without my friends giving me kind and strong support.

Lo, and behold, on October 30, I came home from work to the mail and what did I find? An envelope from "him." In it was a check. I couldn't believe it. After three years, he finally paid on the debt he owed me. In fact, when I got back from Florida, another check arrived--his back alimony payments, well, some of them.

Yes, I did the happy dance, and I immediately displayed this lovely figurine on my mantle with my Christmas Nativity.

 

I know it sounds strange, at least to me, and it has nothing to do with money, but knowing that this battle is over, really has made me very happy. It's as if a burden was lifted. I stood my ground, for one of the very few times in my marriage (un-marriage now), and conquered my fears.
I feel as if the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, has once again guided me through this tough ride, prompting me to take it on in the first place, then egging me on with the help of some very significant friends in my life, to accomplish this fearsome thing.
I really feel as if I have climbed another tall, dreadful, frightening step in this divorce saga. It was one of the hardest yet. Yay, me.

This portrays exactly how I feel. Bluebirds of Happiness are flying around me and landing on me. I know, if you put forth the work and have Courage, you could climb this step as well. Whatever in your life is getting you down, you can conquer it. Though the climb is steep, if you take a deep breath--really breathe deeply, pray, ponder, pray again--success will be yours.

Like the Cowardly Lion of Oz who overcame his obstacles in life, you will achieve Courage.

If I can do it, I know YOU can, too.

 

 Courage

 



"Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I just found this quote.
It's very appropro for this "Steps to Climb" blog.
The first step truly is the hardest.
I had said, at the time, I made a leap of faith.
I wish I could have leaped up the steps that are behind me, but it took all the courage and strength I could muster to climb even one step.

I know you can do it, too.
Because I did it.

Keep Calm and Carry On

I found this wooden decoration at my favorite gift store. It was the theme at work last year, so it sits on top of my file cabinet in my cubicle behind my desk. Sorry it's a blurry picture. I took it with my dumb phone (I don't have a smart phone).

It's a good platitude for my life right now, too. I gaze on the words off and on all day long.

Still no end in sight of ex-husband's stall tactics during this, so far, two-month back-and-forth with the lawyers. Even knowing in advance--convincing myself--he wouldn't be true to his signature and promises, I still had something inside of me that thought he would.

Silly me.

I also have this wooden decoration sitting in front of my desk. It keeps me grounded.

ED vs. DE: Part II

Caution: not for the faint-hearted . . .

I have been putting off publishing that last post and this one for months. This subject is hard to write about and is hard to read, not to mention, live through. But you SHOULD read the information.

Why? If you’re like me, you have no idea what you’re dealing with. I was so naive when it came to dalliances with evil. Pornography is evil.

Following are a lot of questions to think about, especially if you suspect your spouse is addicted to porn.

Does your spouse put-off having sex with you?* Withholding of anything in marriage is considered abuse. Withholding information is abuse. Withholding intimacy is abuse. Blaming you for his withholding is abuse. Watching porn is abuse. Watching porn is adultery. Adultery is abuse.

So, what are his symptoms?

·       Does he feign fatigue so he won’t have to have sex with you?

·       Does he seem distant, lose his temper easily, verbally or physically abuse you?

·       Does he tell you you’re too fat, too thin, too ugly, too old, too this or too that?

·       Does he tell you you’re just not enough?

·       Does he ignore you?

·       Has he insinuated that you are boring—or told you outright?

·       Does he want you to wear sexier clothes? Sexier lingerie? Spiky heels? More makeup?

·       Does he want you to have surgery to change/enhance your body?

·       Does he want you to change your hair color?

·       Does he wake up too early or go to bed too late?

·       Does he want you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing in the bedroom?

·       Does he spend too much time in his man cave on his computer—where you are not invited?

·       Has his computer had an inordinate amount of viruses? (pre-streaming)

How long has it been since you’ve had sexual relations with your spouse? Six months? A year? Two years? Five years? Have you wondered why, but were too afraid to ask? Or, when you ask, does your spouse accuse you of something non-related, change the subject, or start in on criticizing you?

What happens when you have sexual relations?

·       Does it last so long that you start to hurt?

·       Is he even able to have an erection?

·       Does he call you lewd names or use crude language during sex?

·       Is he too forceful or mean during sex?

·       Do you feel inadequate in pleasing him? Does he make you feel so?

·       Do you feel guilty or ashamed after having sexual relations with your husband?

·       Does he want you to perform acts you think are inappropriate, disrespectful, immoral, insulting? If you think they are, then they are!

Red flags, all. Those illusive red flags.

Continuous, compulsive use of pornography (read: addicted) not only affects your spouse’s ability to have or sustain an erection, it damages the emotional, marital relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

I’ve given you lots of questions to think about. What are your answers?

* Drawing from my own experience, I am writing as if the spouse is a husband. I know there are women addicted to pornography, usually via erotica. Substitute “she” for “he” if that is your experience. It is not mine.

I Found "Courage"

I love this Willow Tree angel. Its name is "Courage." It's new and I found it at exactly the time I needed it. I whined about my lawyer/deadbeat husband woes in a previous post. I saw a counselor, talked to my friends, blah, blah, blah, then went to my favorite gift store and this little angel signaled to me to hang in there. Serendipity! She is now displayed on my mantle. I also got a figurine called "Happiness." I'll display that one when I hear from my lawyer that my ex finally agreed to do everything he agreed to do three years ago.

If anyone else out there is going through deadbeat husband woes, I feel ya'. I have found prayer works wonders. Shedding the burden and giving it to the Lord makes me feel light again.

I heard an awesome quote today by Jeffrey R. Holland: "Hope is never lost." When you think about it, it makes so much sense. I will never ever think again that I've lost all hope. That's just silly.

I'm Going to Do It.

I really need this quote. It appeared on a day this week when I had almost given up, lost hope. I think I’ve fallen down a step or two this past month or so.

After three years, my ex-husband is rearing his ugly head and fighting me about keeping up with his part in our MSA (Marriage Settlement Agreement). I phoned a lawyer back in my home state for advice (I have legal benefits through my insurance at work), I emailed her my paperwork, she emailed him, he got a lawyer, his lawyer spoke with my lawyer, both agreed he is a cheap jerk (their words, not mine). Nevertheless, ex-husband wants to make a deal with me before he’ll keep his part of the bargain. I can’t believe he wants to deal when he is the one not doing his part. My lawyer agrees. We’ll see what his lawyer says.

I suppose women go through this all the time. My lawyer friend said most of his court appearances are due to deadbeat husbands not keeping up with alimony/agreements. (And why would I expect a liar/cheater/abuser to keep up with a bargain he made and signed his name to? Call me crazy.)

I realize everyone has their own truth. My truth to this matter is most likely 180 degrees from my ex-husband’s truth. His truth tells him that I got enough from him, even though we split our assets, and even though we were married thirty-three years and his income is way more than mine (that’s how the court looks at it).

His truth says, if I want him to do something (keep up his agreement), then I have to give up something (make a deal). In other words, what’s in it for him? (Maybe his lawyer didn’t inform him he is in “contempt of court.”)

My dilemma is, I don’t like confrontation. But I don't want to be bullied by him anymore.

This whole thing is causing my PTSD to resurface big time. I was in a safe place, emotionally, for the last three years. I know I’m in a safe place physically, yet I am fearful.

I went to a counselor this past week and she helped me to see he can’t hurt me anymore, so I shouldn’t be afraid of him. The counselor told me that having courage (to stand up for myself) does not mean there’s no fear. I never thought that way before. She’s right. Everything I did during this divorce, every step I’ve conquered, was despite the fear I felt.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and she said if I stand up to him, he will see that I won't take his abuse anymore. He'll realize he can't bully me anymore. Wise words. I'm taking it all in.

The more I think about it, the more I am determined to stand up for myself. I need to climb that step again. I’m going to do it. No matter what. It won't be easy, and it won’t always be this way. I’ll take one day at a time.

Triple A Divorce (AAA)

Sometimes I feel like Julie Powell, the woman who started a blog with the challenge to cook all the recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. She wondered, "Is anyone reading this?"

The Triple A divorce (Abuse, Adultery, Addiction) is a hard subject to both write about and read about. Some people have told me they couldn't read this. It's too much. Too many memories they want to put to rest.

To them I say, "Well done. You have been able to forge ahead and not look back. You have climbed up and over the top landing. You are my hero. I really wish you well."

There are some of us who haven't reached that step yet. Oh, to be on that step, where I can put these experiences to rest, like lowering a coffin into the pit and covering it with dirt.

When will that happen?  I'd love to know.

For those of you who have been through a Triple A divorce, how long did it finally take you? How have you found healing?

It would be interesting for someone still stepping to know. Someone like me.

Feel free to share here.