GOOD ADVICE

True Love vs. Exploitation

The right side of the graphic above was the story of my marriage. It's for this reason, I'm not sure I could date someone, or have an intimate relationship with a new spouse. I am a damaged partner; one who was called "not enough" of whatever it was he wanted or needed. 

I know now he wanted and needed pornography.

Months turned into years when there was no sex in our marriage. Earlier on, he had told me all I had to do was touch him and he'd be ready. After his porn addiction escalated, he would actually push me away if I tried to initiate "love making." I wasn't aware that "love" was removed from the equation of our marriage. 

Silly me.

The last time we had sex, he couldn't do it. I didn't know what DE (Delayed Ejactulation) was, but when I found out, my married life made sense. (But to think he couldn't really have sex with me unless he thought about those smutty porn scenes, really disgusts and humiliates me.)

Before that last time, more than a year had gone by since we were intimate. I remember confiding in my best friend. She just said to keep trying, that maybe it was because of his age (50s?). I wondered if he had a prostate problem or something he wouldn't talk to me about. And he wouldn't talk to me about it. Whenever I asked, he just gave me a look (like it was my fault because I wasn't good enough) and said, "You don't really want to know, do you?"  Since he made me feel so small as it was, no, I didn't really want to know, because it was probably my fault.

Such is the mindset of a victim and co-dependent of a partner's pornography addiction. Taking on the fault.

When I found his porn, I was totally shocked. I thought--what? We had previously discussed this sorry behavior and agreed it was egregious. Yet, the addiction was there for him, unbeknownst to me. I was being played.

The time from our last sexual tryst to our divorce was four years. Four years without married sexual encounter or intimacy. Why did I think that could be normal? I wasn't in denial, because I clearly was concerned, but he didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to be blamed for it.

When I told him I found his porn, at first he blamed me  for snooping around in his personal things. (??!!) Then he quickly blamed me for being boring. 

Ha! I thought, "I am not boring." But, now that I know of his addiction, I realize anything less than those young girls jiggling around nude in the DVD would have been seen as boring. I wasn't aware at the time that he had escalated to real world experiences. I couldn't have competed with that. I wouldn't have wanted to.  And the fact that I found money taken out of our accounts on a regular basis, led me to believe he was seeing prostitutes. "That's the going rate for prostitutes," was what one of my friends who had found her own husband's porn told me. That shocked me too! I thought, "He would never!" But there were a lot of things I thought he would never do. 

But I guess being celibate saved me from STDs. Some of my friends weren't so lucky with their porn-addicted husbands.

I only hope that when other victims of their spouse's pornography addiction read these things, they realize they're not alone. Or they are awakened to this information and finally realize it's not their fault.

I thought I was alone. 

I felt very alone.

I hope, if you feel alone and don't know what's happening to you because of porn, you will take time to read through some of my posts on pornography. Just search at the top right of the sidebar of this blog. As I was going through the experience, I had no idea. Now that I'm out of that relationship and have had time to research the nuances of a porn addiction, I look back and realize I was along for the ride in his full-blown addiction. Wondering. Confused. Self-worth splattered. Betrayed. Shattered. 

As I read the left side of the graphic above, about true love, I am reminded of what I had hoped to have in my marriage, but didn't. This is why I wonder if I could ever trust another man. If I ever felt that closeness, would I back away wondering if it was real? This topic is not often covered because it's what the victim of porn feels. You can't trust again because you've been betrayed. To forgive is equated with co-dependence. "I will not go there again" is the defiance to a much-desired lifestyle of being loved and cherished.

I do long to be loved and cherished. I just pity the poor man who might try.

I'm Still Here

By Susan Knight

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here.

I let my Divorce Memoir run the course of three chapters (check out the top right side-bar), then life happened and I got busy.

That's not to say I haven't been writing.

Actually, I submitted my first three chapters to a writing contest and won Third Place in the Adult Category. I found out I was the only non-fiction submission of about twenty in the category.

Feeling pretty awesome about that.

I have to laugh, though. I don't think it will ever be published as a book, at least not through traditional publishing. Who would want to publish a book with that content? Did you read it?

I mean, lots of people--women going through the same thing I did, or people who like to read about angst--would want to read about it, I'm sure. It's entertaining, like a soap opera is entertaining. But I hope it gives women like me a look into another crazy mind of a betrayed woman who is going through--and got--a divorce.

I hope it shows the many steps necessary, such as Denial, Disappointment, Decisions, Deceit--until we get to the chapter on Departure, and eventually . . . you know, that other "D" word that shall not be named. Who knew there were so many appropriate "D" words for this predicament? Not to mention the "D" word itself.

That "D" word is one we don't like to speak about and is a scary thought, especially if one was married for thirty-three years like I was. People--battered women; abused women; betrayed women--don't want to leave their "comfort zone," even if that zone is in the bottom of the abysmal PITS.

Isn't that funny? I don't mean funny-haha; I mean funny-peculiar. Though our lives couldn't seem to possibly get worse, we couldn't think of leaving what we're used to.

It finally took adultery, pornography, and stealing from our joint checking account to convince me to go, no matter I had been verbally abused for over thirty years.

One thing I learned--the abuse was reason enough for a divorce.

Part of me thinks my (ex) husband escalated the behaviors to get me to make the decision. He knew I had taken it for so long and would continue in my "comfort zone." When he started trolling the Internet, and getting bites, he needed to move to the next level and that involved getting me out. Yeah, part of me thinks that.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating divorce. If your spouse sincerely wants to change; if he genuinely loves you and is repentant and is proving he wants to change, like going to AA or another addiction program, it's probably worth a wait-and-see. I went through all that in one of those "D" chapters.

Like I said. . . that's a scary "D" word. If you find yourself in my past situation, though, with someone who is abusive, cheats on you, steals money from joint funds, is addicted to pornography, and is unrepentant, well. . .it's still your decision to make to stay or go. I'm not judging.

But when you read that last paragraph, doesn't it just sound silly, in a way?

Just sayin'.

You be the judge.

My Favorite Book on Divorce

Book Review by Susan Knight

When I was going through my divorce, it seemed nobody could tell me a title to read which helped me with what I was going through.

Once I got to Utah, I just happened to find the book "Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery" at an author signing during one of the writing conferences I attended. Serendipity!

This book, by authors Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, answered all of my important questions. Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen? How could I have been so stupid all those years?

I was lucky enough to meet one of the authors, Fay Klingler, at a library lecture. I brought the book along for her signature. I showed her that the book was highlighted on every page, and thanked her profusely.

My blog here is about the "Triple A." This book gave me more A's to think about. The chapter headings, the six steps, are: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Authorization, Accountability and Advancement.

In the Acknowledgments, Klingler wrote, "I used to think my story was unique, but I've learned that's not so. On the one hand I find it sad because that means, like me, others have been deeply hurt. But on the other hand, I find it exhilarating because it shows we share a resiliency, a desire to make life good in spite of our traumatic experiences."

I have said many times, and on this blog, I felt like I was the only one going through all the drama and heartache. I slowly learned there were many other women in the dark as to what happened to our marriages. We all had these burning questions. Our questions are addressed in this book.

Most of us have a healthy dose of denial our psyches just can't get through. We are also good people. Since we are good, we think everyone is good and could never do us any harm. This is what the predators (i.e., spouses/significant others) count on. This is how they gain control over us.

I never wanted to get a divorce. My ex-husband knew that and took advantage of it. If I was doing all the work in keeping the marriage together, why should he do any work? It's the greatest manipulation game. While I was reading, it was my first "ah-ha" moment.

The authors address a woman's safety. Many times with verbal abuse, the attitude can turn on a dime and become physical abuse. For those of you who are being abused, PLEASE run for your life. Seek help! Get out!

For many of us, it's the betrayal that finally initiates the beginning of the end of our marriages. While reading this book, I realized I was betrayed and that's what hurt so much. I couldn't put my finger on it. And those of us who are hurt so deeply--betrayed--find it very hard to trust people of the opposite sex again.

At the end of each chapter is a little work space, a plan, to write how we are going to overcome each of the "A" headings. I have to admit I didn't do this part. I'm not ready yet. I'm still going through a lot inside of me.

The last chapter is Advancement, the healing step. That's where this book will take you--when you're ready.

On page 139 is the statement, "Be patient with yourself. You won't suddenly forgive. You won't suddenly let go. It's more like the process of a flower in bloom."

Those words gave me hope.

I heartily endorse this book. It will help you see your arduous climb has an end. A light bulb will shine over your head and you will say aloud, "Ah-HA!"

Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, Shattered: Six steps from betrayal to recovery, Mapletree Publishing Company, 6233 Harvard Lane, Highlands Ranch, CO 80130,
www.mapletreepublishing.com, 184 pages.

Are Autoimmune Disorders Eating You Alive?

By Susan Knight

Whenever I hear that women have autoimmune diseases I straight away think, "I wonder if they're having marital problems?"

It's a natural reaction. I suffered with autoimmune diseases my whole married life. They come on gradually, like that story about the frog that is tossed into a pot of tepid water. The burner is turned on and the frog doesn't notice the gradual change in temperature until it's too late and it's cooked.

I was cooked, so to speak. The last marriage counselor I went to told me, very bluntly, that I was going to die. He said either my husband was going to kill me because his verbal abuse would turn into physical abuse, or I would die from the inside out from all the autoimmune diseases I had. Fibromyalgia and lupus were the biggest, followed by allergies that were added to almost on a yearly basis.

What was miraculous to me was, as I escaped my marriage and fled out west, I noticed a decided change in how I felt--even while driving across the country.

An autoimmune disorder occurs when the body's immune system starts attacking itself. For instance, pollen isn't harmful to the body, but people with pollen allergies have immune systems that perceive the pollen to be harmful. The body releases antibodies to destroy the so-called invading substance.

Did you read that right?  Yes. The body starts attacking itself.

This happens often in abuse and sexual abuse cases. It's not enough that we're being abused or molested, but our bodies, which are screaming at us that something is wrong, finally start attacking from the inside. This, in my opinion*, is because we have used up all our resistance in fighting the outward attacker, and now the attack has gone inward, but is misplaced.

The body is saying, "Okay. I give up. I really can't take this anymore." But the abuse keeps coming and there is nothing left with which to fight it. The body knows something is wrong, so it goes berserk fighting anything that comes along that seems foreign.

Some auto-immune disorders include Allergies, Dermatomyositis (type of skin rash), Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Celiac Disease-sprue (gluten sensitivity), Fibromyalgia, Type II diabetes, Hypoglycemia. **

Joints, muscles, connective tissue, red blood cells, skin, blood vessels, endocrine glands--these all can be affected. Symptoms include fatigue, fever, rash, hives, malaise (feeling ill in general), muscle pain, joint pain, and many more.

I also believe these auto-immune diseases cause situational depression and even major depressive episodes (what we used to call nervous breakdowns) because we don't feel well and don't know why. Everyone thinks we're hypochondriacs. We're not wearing band-aids, or casts.

The depression is two-fold. It's caused by being ill-treated by an abuser, plus being misunderstood by our friends.* Who wants to be around a downer person? So we put on a happy face to look good.

But a depression discussion will be left for another post.

Until then, examine your life. Is your body screaming at you?

Mine did. It was like a voice within me that was suppressed down in the basement or a dungeon, banging on the door, screaming, "Listen to me! Let me out! You know I'm right!"

But I wouldn't let it out. I wouldn't acknowledge it. I knew, deep, deep down, it was my husband who was causing me to feel like this. But I had to maintain the perfect family facade. I had to save face, look good.

I'm begging you. Please listen to your body. Your psyche, your inner self, knows you and only wants the best for you.

Listen, even though you're scared.  Don't wait thirty-three years like I did. Start to love yourself, and get help, if you need it.

The up side is, I am so much happier with myself. It's still hard to show emotion, though. I had to suppress it for so long. I have to remind myself to smile, or laugh. I am worthy to do those things, even though my abuser made me feel less worthy to show emotion--of any kind.

It's my prayer that my readers will realize they are worthy to be loved, to show emotion, trusting that the love is reciprocated by so many. I know it's hard. I am still trying. It's probably one of the steps I have left to climb. But I will succeed. . . some day.

*This is just my opinion, though I'm sure psychologists could back it up, like my marriage counselor did
**http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000816.htm

Excerpt from My Memoir--verbal abuse

November 24, 2009

I am the loneliest married woman in the world. I can’t talk to my husband because he takes everything I say the wrong way. For instance, I know he likes to ride his bike and he was upset one day because he heard it was going to rain.

“Oh, no, I heard it's going to be sunny,” I told him, smiling.

He yelled, “Do you have to disagree with everything I say?”

I thought it would make him happy to hear it wasn’t going to rain, but it didn’t.

I just try to keep neutral. I neither smile nor frown. When I’m around him, my face is frozen like it’s lost the ability to move a muscle.  If he says something to me, I just say, “Uh-huh,” and say nothing more.

I forgot not to comment about the weather.

I’ve been married over thirty years and except for maybe the first two, I’ve been verbally abused. The first two were testing the waters for him. I failed miserably in the test. I actually had opinions about things. I found out quickly that wasn’t allowed.

Excerpt From my Memoir: January 12, 2010

January 12, 2010

I’ve resolved that I’m not going to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.

I think Dee* feels weird talking to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need a sounding board.

She told me that if her husband ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.

“He would have to come to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to him.”

Unfortunately, I’m not as brave as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.

For thirty-three years I swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my body causing me physical and emotional pain.

That should have been a red flag. Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m too nice. I’m too in denial.

Before she left, Dee urged me to get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a bank and said she knows about these things.

 

*All names are changed

Preface For a Book Perhaps . . .

I kept a journal through my whole divorce process. To say it is vitriolic is an understatement. Those who have been through it will agree it is necessary to get these "feelings" out of your system. You are full of hate and yet want to appear "dignified." It's a dichotomy of thought righteous women go through when bombarded with their husband's indisgressions.

My hope is to write a book about this journaling some day to help other women (and even men) who are going through what I did. I couldn't find a book that applied to me and what I was going through. The content of my book travels the steps from discovery through denial, from fear to finding courage, and up a lot of other steps I didn't see myself ever climbing.

The good new is, I'm divorced. Happily divorced.

Last night I wrote the preface for a tentative book about Divorce and Courage. I don't have a title yet. That will come later, maybe with my readers' help. Some of this copy I've used in the left-hand column of this blog. It might need some tweaking, but below is the rough draft:

When I was experiencing the phases of my divorce, I thought I was the only one going through the events that unfolded.

I was wrong.
There are many women who experienced—and are still experiencing—what I did. Some of us found each other and commiserated, but we had the same questions: Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I see things clearly? What comes next? How much more do I have to endure?
The precursor to my decision to get a divorce was the Triple A: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction. Sound familiar? As a co-dependent, I kept our family life very well-hidden from the public. My mission was to save face—look good. My husband cooperated very nicely to that effect when in the company of our friends. Everyone thought he was a “really good guy.” Nobody had any idea what our family was going through.
Now I know my mission was to stop the abuse and save myself. I also hope my children, and the generations who come after them, will not cause or succumb to these same offenses.
If this sounds familiar to you, you might like to read this book and find out you are not the only one.
This is not a self-help book. There are no “Steps to a Healthy Divorce” within these pages. It’s a self-realization book that describes the huge steps you will climb during the discovery, denial and divorce processes. Sometimes you will fall down a step or two, but you will keep climbing. You have to—to be a conqueror.
It takes courage to get a divorce. I was the least courageous person you’d ever meet. I lived in fear and denial.
If I did it, anyone can.

 

I hope you never need this book. I hope this preface might entice you read it.

I'd love to hear from anyone who might have similar questions, feelings, or who might be in the very first stages of discovery. By that I mean, finding out about the other woman, pornography, verbal abuse, husband's apathy.

What are you feeling? We can help each other. Count on it.