I’ve resolved that I’m not going
to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with
counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the
only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.
I think Dee* feels weird talking
to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she
thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really
need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need
a sounding board.
She told me that if her husband
ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank
accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.
“He would have to come
to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to
him.”
Unfortunately, I’m not as brave
as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and
would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.
For thirty-three years I
swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche
couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my
body causing me physical and emotional pain.
That should have been a red flag.
Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m
too nice. I’m too in denial.
Before she left, Dee urged me to
get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a
bank and said she knows about these things.
*All names are changed
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