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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Excerpt From my Memoir: January 12, 2010

January 12, 2010

I’ve resolved that I’m not going to tell anyone about this. I’m too ashamed. We’ll see what happens with counseling, if anything. We have extensive church family friendships, but the only ones who know about “this” are my bishop (pastor) and his wife, Dee, who is one of my best friends.
I think Dee* feels weird talking to me about it, too. She didn’t want to usurp her husband’s counsel, which she thought to be more loving and compassionate, by giving me her own. Yet, I really need to know her perspective. She’s like a big sister to me and I really need a sounding board.
She told me that if her husband ever did anything like that she would kick him out of the house, drain the bank accounts and make it as hard for him as possible. I was stunned. She was spittin' mad.
“He would have to come to me for everything. I would rather that than for me to have to grovel to him.”
Unfortunately, I’m not as brave as she. I’m afraid of my husband. He is aggressive and loud and would think nothing of destroying me with his words and, now, his actions.
For thirty-three years I swallowed his abuse and inappropriate behaviors, so much so that my psyche couldn’t handle any more. Auto-immune diseases have crept in and throughout my body causing me physical and emotional pain.
That should have been a red flag. Those blasted red flags. Why are they so illusive to me? I’m too caring. I’m too nice. I’m too in denial.
Before she left, Dee urged me to get my own bank account and take at least half of the money. She works at a bank and said she knows about these things.
*All names are changed

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