Love Yourself

My Article on FamilyShare: Why Pornography is Adultery

Why pornography is adultery
It has become so commonplace that pornography equated to adultery is thought by many to be a gray area. But is it really?

By Susan Knight

24,423 views   |   148 shares 

 

The modern world has been numbed by the constant bombardment of immorality via media to the point that considering pornography to be adultery has become a gray area. Even those whose moral compass is derived from Judeo-Christian values question this concept. But is the idea really so vague? Do we know what adultery really is?

Adultery is witnessed on television shows and movies and read about in countless tabloids, magazines and novels. It has become so commonplace as to not be recognized as immoral anymore. Many don't realize adultery is still illegal in twenty-three states. In ancient times, it was a capital offense. Now we watch it every night on TV.

One only has to open the pages of the Holy Bible, a common dictionary or log onto any Wiki to find the definition of adultery. The contemporary world views it as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than the lawful spouse (Merriam-Webster). From the Bible's perspective, if one is married and looks at, thinks about, or touches another person with lust (sexual desire) in their heart or mind, it is considered adultery. By this standard, lust is also adultery.

Oxforddictionaries.com states pornography is written or visual material containing explicit descriptions of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate erotic (raw, sexual desire) rather than aesthetic (beautiful, pleasing) feelings. By this definition, pornography is lust.

Pornography is lust (sexual desire), and lust is adultery. Therefore, pornography is adultery.

·        Adultery is not just sexual intercourse

Adultery is not restricted to sexual intercourse between married people. In addition to lust of the flesh, "lust of the eyes" is also considered adultery 1 John 2:16, KJV.

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior pointed out higher laws. Not only is it unlawful to kill, but anyone who is angry is in danger of judgment Matthew 5:22, KJV. It is well-known anger can lead to murder. Thus, anger is a higher law—a higher commandment to keep.

One of the most powerful scriptures about adultery comes from our Savior, again from the Sermon on the Mount:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28 KJV

These verses in Matthew clearly state looking on a woman with lust is adultery. Adultery is against the law, and lust is the higher law.

·        Adultery without sexual intercourse

In the Bible, adultery without sexual intercourse is referred to as "wanton eyes" Isaiah 3:16, KJV, or "eyes full of adultery" (See 2 Peter 2:14, KJV). These scriptures state plainly adultery is not only a sin of the flesh, but of indecent images seen by the eyes.

It is not coincidental that pornography is taken into the brain through the eyes. Since lust is defined as being consumed with sexual desire, pornographic craving to view woman after woman in obscene sex acts (read: multiple partners) is clearly adultery. Any spouse who is the victim of their partner's pornography addiction will equivocally agree pornography is cheating. Why not call cheating what it really is? Adultery.

·        Social media and adultery

Another way adultery is committed is via social media. Provocative words in a text, an email, or a chat room cause sexual arousal. This is pornographic, which is then adultery.

Men and women, who participate in social media porn, are, by definition, adulterers. Call it what it is.

·        Women and pornography

Women view internet pornography as well as men. In fact, one in three viewers of porn is a woman, and that statistic is rising.

Many women are addicted to "erotica," or what the world calls "romance novels." These books are explicit with titillating, immoral sex acts. Erotica is a synonym for pornography, and pornography is adultery.

·        Pornography statistics

Half of all divorces in the U.S. stem from pornography addiction. (See mind-armor.comor TechAddiction)

·        Seven out of ten males view internet porn in the U.S. (that's 70%)

·        2.5 billion emails per day are pornographic (that's 8% of all emails).

·        There are 116,000 searches for "child pornography" every day. Every day!

·        Age eleven is the average age when a child first sees porn online.

·        Utah has the nation's highest online porn subscription use at 5.47 per thousand.

·        Pornography addiction

In porn addiction, the viewing becomes an obsession, then a compulsion. The images must become ever more stimulating, atrocious and shocking to have the now-addicted appetite sated, just as a drug addict needs one more hit of crack; a smoker must have one more cigarette; a gambler needs one more roll of the dice.

·        Thou shalt not commit adultery

Modern-day streaming of pornography on the internet through computers, iPads, and smartphones has multiplied its use exponentially. The stigma of "adulterer" seems to no longer be a reason to stay away from the poison of porn. But beware—addiction may quickly capture one's soul with just one peak, turn of the page, or swipe of a finger on a smartphone.

It is argued here with semantics, statistics, and religious standards that pornography is lust and lust is adultery. Some may still dispute the classification, but perhaps others will experience an ah-ha moment and move past the gray question.

What do you think?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder--8 Tactics Used by Narcissists

This was my life. . .

Eight Mental Abuse Tactics Narcissists Use on Spouses

By Christine Hammond
~ 2 min read

 

 

If you have clients who are intentionally exploited by their spouses; endure regular insults and rejection, alternating with affirmation; and feel manipulated into doing or saying something out of character, then they might be experiencing abuse.
Abuse is not just physical. There are many other forms of abuse, such as sexual, financial, emotional, mental, and verbal. While some of the other forms of abuse are obvious, mental abuse by a narcissist can be difficult to spot.

It starts simply with a casual comment about anything: color of the wall, dishes in the sink, or the car needing maintenance. The remark is taken out of context by the narcissist to mean that their spouse disapproves of them in some way. She tries to explain that wasn’t her intention, but they are off on a tirade, which ends in your client feeling like she is losing her mind.
How did this happen? Here are several favorite narcissistic mental abuse tactics:

1. Rage – This is an intense, furious anger that comes out of nowhere, usually over nothing (remember the wire hanger scene from the movie “Mommie Dearest”). It startles and shocks the victim into compliance or silence.
2. Gaslighting – Narcissistic mental abusers lie about the past, making their victim doubt her memory, perception, and sanity. They claim and give evidence of her past wrong behavior further causing doubt. She might even begin to question what she said a minute ago.
3. The Stare – This is an intense stare with no feeling behind it. It is designed to scare a victim into submission, and is frequently mixed with the silent treatment.
4. Silent Treatment – Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they lets their victim “off the hook” by demanding an apology even though she isn’t to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
5. Projection – They dump their issues onto their victim as if she were the one doing it. For instance, narcissistic mental abusers may accuse their spouse of lying when they have lied. Or they make her feel guilty when he is really guilty. This creates confusion.
6. Twisting – When narcissistic spouses are confronted, they will twist it around to blame their victims for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their behavior and insist that their victim apologize to them.
7. Manipulation – A favorite manipulation tactic is for the narcissist to make their spouse fear the worst, such as abandonment, infidelity, or rejection. Then they refute it and ask her for something she normally would reply with “No.” This is a control tactic to get her to agree to do something she wouldn’t.
8. Victim Card – When all else fails, the narcissist resorts to playing the victim card. This is designed to gain sympathy and further control behavior.

From:
https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/04/eight-mental-abuse-tactics-narcissists-use-on-spouses/#.VUoYrw1khaH.facebook

Pornography = Rape Simulation

archaic update needed

After writing about the etymology of the word pornography, another thought came to mind, especially after reading one of the comments on my article, "The 5 Stages of a Pornography Addiction," which was picked up by PornHarms (read about it HERE) from FamilyShare.com.

One woman commented on the article that she was a victim of rape and abuse and felt that watching porn was like watching a rape simulation. Ugh! Seriously, her comment really ripped my heart out. But she also gave me one of those ah-ha moments. *

I thought, the word is an archaic Greek word. What if we changed the name of the word pornography to what it is--RapeSimulation. Would that make people wake up? Would that take the ease and comfort away that it's not really that bad, or that everyone does it?

Conversation that might ensue:
Person 1: "Yeah, so I was on this RapeSimulation site the other day . . ."
Person 2: "Wait a minute, you mean, you're into Rape?"
Person 1: "It's not that bad. I mean, it's not like I'm addicted to Rape. I can stop watching it any time I want."
Person 3: "I watch RapeSimulation with my husband and we feel it strengthens our sex life."
Person 2 :"You mean, you watch RapeSimulation?"
Person 3: "Get with the times. Everyone watches Rape."
Person 1: "Don't be one of 'those people' who judges us because we watch Rape. I'm sure you've watched it, too, at some point."
Person 2: "Uh. . . not. . .really. . ."
Person 3: "You should watch it some time. You'll learn a lot."
Person 2: "About . . . rape?"
Person 1: "You're so judgmental."
Person 2: "?!"

I apologize to rape victims for my seeming flippant dialogue. I apologize to porn victims, too. I was just trying to get my point across.

Did I?

My heart goes out to that courageous woman who lived through the rape to tell us about it and remind us what a heinous crime it is and from where it comes--porn addiction. And I have so much love for women, like me, who were victims of the porn addiction of their husbands.

What's your story?


* the woman spoken of has deleted her comment. I don't blame her.

Etymology of the word "Pornography"

etymology

Ever since I read the comments on my article "The 5 Stages of a Pornography Addiction" which was picked up by PornHarms, I started thinking, what is the etymology of the word?

So I looked it up and did some research.

Pornography is from a Greek word, "pornographos" which literally translates to "writing of prostitutes or harlots." By the 1800s it came to mean "salacious writing or pictures."

Other Greek variations:

pornaos/pornos = to sell off, to traffic, i.e. selling of sexual purity

porneia = harlotry (including adultery and incest)

porneuo = to act the harlot, or indulge in an unlawful lustful act, i.e. fornication

A very well-written website sponsored by the United Church of God  gives a wonderful overview of the etymology of the word, the act, and the consequences of pornography. 

Here are some excerpts:

-Research clearly demonstrates a direct link between pornography and bizarre antisocial behavior (sexual aberration, sexual violence, pedophilia [sexual abuse of children]). 

-FBI investigations, plus records of many law enforcement agencies, testify that pornographic materials are ‘found data’ (i.e. involved) in large numbers of ‘lust murders,’ autoerotic fatalities, mutilations, rapes, and ravages of women and children.”

-For pornography to be harmless, the people who are depicted in its images would have to be unreal….However, the women violated in pornography are human beings. Beyond the glossy pages, the naked and used women are real . . . Pornography makes women chattel, and all women have reason to fear that the attitudes of the men with whom they live and work are transformed by the images of pornography.  

-The addictive nature of pornography creates a self-perpetuating cycle, magnified by the fact that exposure to pornography lessens repulsion to pornography and desensitizes its consumers of its harms.

PornHarms picked up my article on Pornography Addiction

I wrote this article for DeseretConnect's FamilyShare.com in March.

Deseret Digital Media NewsOK publishes content from Deseret Digital Media, which has a network of websites that includes KSL.com, DeseretNews.com and FamilyShare.com

Pornography Harms picked it up.

Pornography Harms

April 25 at 7:00am · Edited · 

The Five Stages of Pornography Addiction

Viewing pornography can lead to addiction. The habit-forming substance is explicit sexual material. There are five stages of pornography addiction. Do you think you, your spouse, or someone you know might be addicted to pornography?

READ ABOUT IT HERE! *

* Deseret Digital Media has since taken down my article due to too much inappropriate content in the comments. The publishers said I did not give enough "self-help" information. However, NewsOK.com picked it up and it sometimes comes through. Try the link above and see what happens.

Luckily, I saved it, so you can read it now below. I promised myself I would not hold back in this blog--no holds barred--when explaining about the nuances of this pernicious evil. I tell it like it is, I give my research, and you decide for yourself.

I, most of all, want women like me--like I was before I did all this research--to understand about the repercussions of pornography in your marriage. Don't be in denial, like I was.

5 stages of pornography addiction

By:  Susan Knight

About one in seven men, and one in three women are addicted to porn. The largest users of online pornography are 12 to 17-year-olds. Teenagers. Fifty-six percent of divorces involve one spouse with a pornography addiction (mind-armor.com). Yes, addiction—not just viewing for recreational pleasure, but viewing it because it becomes a compulsion and the addict can’t think of or do anything else.

Do you think you, your spouse, or someone else you know might be addicted to pornography? Following are the five stages of a pornography addiction:

1. Early exposure. As was stated, the largest users of online porn are children ages twelve to seventeen. Most boys have a curiosity about the opposite sex and, unfortunately, think they can learn more about them on Internet porn sites. They yield to the enticement offered by non-human, unemotional contact. Unless they can navigate away from this temptation, they are seduced. There are new statistics that teenage boys are being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction due to advanced pornography abuse.

2. Addiction. Addiction takes place when the initial naïve curiosity turns into a physical dependence for this degenerate type of sexual arousal. In a pornography addiction, the habit-forming “substance” is explicit sexual material. To satisfy the addiction, the addict relies on the Internet, DVDs, uses his smartphone or looks at magazines or books.

Using porn increases to more than recreational exploit. The addict loses control of his or her thoughts in pursuit of the drug. The images establish themselves in the brain and are hard to shake for visually-wired males. Porn is needed for arousal and is used on a regular basis. Instead of a vein or a lung, the substance is taken in via the eyes directly to the visual cortex in the back of the brain, releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and endorphins, producing a “high.” All addictions share the same brain changes.

"Constant novelty, at the click of a mouse, can cause addiction," said Gary Wilson of TEDx, in "The Great Porn Experiment." Dopamine rewards you for seeking the visual pleasures porn presents. It makes you feel good. The brain chemicals motivate some to repeat this behavior. You keep coming back. You can’t stop. You’re hooked. Because of this chemical release — and the consequences of behavior — pornography addiction is considered to be a form of chemical brain damage. People become dependent on pornography for physical and emotional satisfaction.

3. Desensitization. Just as in any chemical dependency, the amount of pornography the addict previously used is not enough to stimulate these brain chemicals. Dopamine loves novelty. When the reward wears off, the dopamine release declines, therefore pleasure declines, the libido declines, and may cause erectile dysfunction in males. Less gratification leads to the desire for greater amounts of hardcore porn. A vicious cycle reigns. Addicts need to intensify reaching the pleasure points in their brains again, only on a more advanced level.

4. Escalation. The addict desires greater pleasure, expanded novelty, so he or she ups the dose. They pursue pernicious, indecent images from the Internet. Porn has become their drug of choice, and self-medication rises to new levels. Licentious sexual images, urges and fantasies dominate the thoughts. This over-stimulation interferes with the normal balance of the addict's brain chemicals. They now crave extreme novelty. Most viewing is done in secret.

5. Acting out sexually. Acting out is the next stage of escalation. The addict moves from viewing pornography to seeking a real world experience. It leads to risky behaviors, like stealing from joint bank accounts to pay for prostitutes, binge drinking for heightened courage to act out, unexplained anger or promiscuous sex. The latter may, and does, cause STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Leaving their boring spouses behind, who long ago failed to fulfill sexual gratification, addicted men and women actively seek other live sex partners. If married, the addict will think nothing of committing adultery to satiate the craving for intense sexual novelty. Men will visit prostitutes; women will pick up men in bars or at the gym, or resort to cyber porn (including email, chat rooms, and social media). Chatting with strangers who vicariously satisfy sexual needs behind closed doors is adultery—ask any spouse who is victim of their partner's porn addiction and has acted out in the cyber world. It's emotional adultery and may lead to acting out with live partners.

Depending on the level of graphic, hardcore porn the addict has viewed in order to spiral to the acting-out level, some escalate to the deviant sexual behaviors and perversions of rape, child molestation, incest and even murder. Pornography could be considered a gateway drug to severe criminal behaviors.

In Ted Bundy’s final interview on the day of his execution, James Dobson uncovered the knowledge that the impetus of this serial killer’s criminal rampage began with an addiction to pornography which escalated to acting out.

A pornography addiction is about selfishness—getting, taking—not giving, as it would be in a normal intimate relationship with a spouse. The addiction makes it impossible for any emotional or marital familiarity, closeness or love.

The admission of addiction and desire to be rid of it is the beginning of recovery. It's the beginning of renewal, mending of self and relationships. In a perfect world, the addict will crave freedom from the addiction and seek help.

For more information about pornography addiction and recovery:

LifeStar therapy

“Taking the power away from porn—for good.”

Fight the new drug

Morality in Media/Porn Harms



I'd love to know your thoughts in the comments section. Even though this is a dirty subject, please keep your comments clean.

The Great Porn Experiment--TEDxGlasgow

This is such a great YouTube.
I hope you will watch it.
It gives so much information about pornography addiction.
I just thought . . . how sad that I want to know this . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU&feature=youtu.be

"Divorce is Final" Anniversary

 

 

Feb. 11, 2015

Four years ago today the document that officially ended my marriage was signed by a judge in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.

I didn’t receive it in the mail until a month later, on March 14, because I had moved twice since I left him. But February 11 is a day of celebration for me.

I won’t lie when I say my knees buckled a little and I felt like I had just hit a brick wall when I opened that envelope and read the contents. It might sound cliché but that’s exactly what it feels like when you receive a shock like that.

I was married for thirty-three years. In fact, I left him on the day of our thirty-third anniversary. Those years of marriage meant something to me, and though the dream had died (a gruesome death), I still got that shock. That’s not how I thought I would react.

I had been put through hell the whole year of 2010, which I call the longest year of my life—and it was. It seemed like each day was a month and each month was a year. I longed to get out and leave my former, pathetic life and move on. I spent the months in counseling, packing, planning, more packing, quitting my job, visiting places I thought I’d never see again, visiting all my friends and family. I was making a clean break. I didn’t want to have to ever see him again. I had to get as far away as possible. Was Utah far enough away?

Once I got over the shock of seeing that document, maybe a few days or weeks or months later, when the news finally sunk in and reality overpowered my loss, I did recover and did my happy dance.  

I was free!

In August, the first anniversary of my flight to freedom, I had a party and invited all my girlfriends who knew me as a married woman beside my husband, and as a happy single woman, without the cumbersome baggage of a Triple A marriage/divorce—Abuse, Adultery, (porn) Addiction.

Free at last! Free at last!

Bittersweet, I guess, in a way, for someone who believed in eternal marriage.

 

 

Fourth Year Anniversary of Flight to Freedom

August 14, 2014

 

Celebrating today the 4^th Anniversary of Freedom.

On this date in 2010, I woke up—homeless.

I slept in a nice, warm bed in the in-law suite of my best friend, but I realized, on awakening, I was homeless.

The day before, on what was, ironically, my 33^rd wedding anniversary, I left my husband, my home, my community, my ward family, my siblings, nieces and nephews. I left a job I loved, the reputation I had built for over twenty years in my community, and began my journey to freedom.

It wasn’t easy.

But if I did it, anybody can.

A post from my divorce memoir: The Year of My Divorce

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

August 14, 2010

August 13: Anniversary of Old Life.

August 14: Inauguration of New Life

Today I am officially homeless.

I mean, I woke up in a cozy bed in a huge, beautiful room at Kathy’s, but yesterday, I left my home of twenty years forever.

Months ago it seemed like this day wouldn’t get here soon enough. I remember saying “2010 is going to be the longest year of my life,” and it has been. And it ain’t over yet.

Divorce is a long process. And it won’t be final until January 1 or thereafter. But at least I won’t have to see him—or hear him—every day. I’ve chosen to go far away. I don’t think I could bear being anywhere near him, or happen to run into him for any coincidence. Far away is the only place for me to go.

Today, I’m feeling down. My identity is gone. I don’t have a job to feel useful in. I don’t have a marriage. I don’t have a home.

But I do have faith in God that I will be well taken care of and looked after. I have a fine family and many faithful friends. I am full of hope.

It’s just . . . today I am homeless.

Verbal Abuse, Part III

By Susan Knight


I hope you will read Patricia Evans' books on Verbal Abuse. There are so many insights in those books.

If you are verbally abused, as I was, you will say "Ah-HA!" many times over when you realize the life you've been leading.

When I read her first book, I thought she had written my biography. I could relate to every page. I highlighted almost every sentence. The inside of the book was yellow. Seriously.

I direct you now to a website that addresses FAQs about verbal abuse.

This website addresses the questions:

• Is name-calling verbal abuse?
• He acts like it never happened
• Violence in the home is domestic violence, not a communication problem
• Has your husband "got" you?
• The "quiet" abuser
• When verbal abuse turns physical
• He turns it around and accuses me of abusing him
• Women are not turned on to abuse
• Verbal abuse is not your fault
• Should I forgive and forget?
• Why can't I leave him?
• Have I brought this abuse on myself?
• The many categories of verbal abuse:
• Abusive anger
• Criticizing
• Name Calling
• Threatening
• Blaming

Shame on me, but I could relate to each one of these categories, except for physical abuse. My marriage counselor, however, could see that it would soon turn that way and urged me to get out of my marriage. Bless him.

I grew up in a household of verbal and physical abuse. I thought that's how it was. Although I wanted love and respect, when I didn't get it, I just figured nobody did, no matter how hard I tried. I watched the old fifties television shows and wished I lived in those households where mothers and fathers loved each other and loved their children.

My mother lived in denial her whole married life until my father died. Sometimes, while in the throes of depression due to my ex's name-calling, blaming and verbal abuse, I would call my mother and tell her how unhappy I was. He had just yelled at me and was now outside working in the yard. Working off the anger, I thought.

She would say, "You just have to wait for him to get happy again." It was then that I knew I couldn't confide in my mother. I didn't want to have to wait for him to get happy again. It made me depressed. I wanted him not to be angry and yell and scream and accuse me of things. But that's how my mom dealt with her life. She knew my dad would "get happy again." She had that strength of will and that's how she survived it. Pure denial.

I was in my thirties when I found out my mother grew up with an alcoholic/abusive father. I never knew. My grandfather was an alcoholic and he physically abused my grandmother. My dad never hit or beat my mom, so maybe she thought she was a step up on my grandmother. You know, like, "Well, thank goodness, at least he doesn't beat me. He just yells and puts me down."

I have to admit, I grew up thinking my mother was stupid and lazy, because that's how my dad accused her. Until I was pregnant with my first child, I didn't realize how tired you got. My mom had eight children, the last six in seven years. Can you imagine how tired she was all the time? Not lazy. And when I was an adult, I realized I wanted my mom on my Trivial Pursuit team. She was as smart as a whip. She was a strategic and tactical saleswoman. She could sell anything, and did. She was not stupid. And she was not lazy. She could run rings around me and my sisters and brothers.

Please go to that website. See if it rings true for you. You will learn a lot. If you find yourself relating to any of those categories, I'm so sorry. Please seek help. Find someone to support you--a friend, a family member. Get counseling. It will help you find strength and courage. If you can't be helped, please get out and save yourself.

There's a whole, beautiful world that's not filled with abuse just waiting to welcome you.

Verbal Abuse, Part II: depression is destructive

By Susan Knight

Have you ever seen the 1941 movie "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" starring Spencer Tracey and Ingrid Bergman?

I couldn't watch it. I tried, but I realized something hit home for me. . .I couldn't quite put my finger on it. The realization that I was being verbally abused hadn't arisen from the deep, dark recesses of my psyche. That took someone blatantly telling me I was verbally abused by my husband.

How shocking that was. A friend called me from across the country to tell me. It came at a good time. God is good. His timing is excellent. Had she called me at any other time, I wouldn't have believed her and probably never spoken to her again, as I was keen on saving face, looking good.

She called me the week my husband went on a business trip, right after telling me "I have no desire for you," and refused to be intimate with me. I was devastated. Up until that point, I believed he loved me, despite how he treated me. Those words--that sentence--became the beginning of the breakdown of my cover-up, knowing my married life was a lie.

Thank you, friend, for having the courage to call me long distance (in those days) and tell me my husband was verbally abusing me. She had noticed it when we were on a vacation in Utah. Probably more people noticed it, too, but denied it like I did.

Watch this YouTube music video of segments of Ingrid Bergman's portrayal of an abused woman and follow my play-by-play: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rT02hKWxyw.  *
My commentary is in italics. You can read that after you watch.

-As you watch, notice how Champagne Ivy Pearson is vivacious and spunky in the beginning when Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comes into her life. She is in love. This is how it was with me. I think the spunkier, smarter, happier you are, the more the abusive predater sees you as prey. He must win you. He must have you. You are a challenge.

-Mr. Hyde amps up his abuse, but she still thinks this is the man she loves and who loves her. When my ex first starting showing signs of anger (right after the honeymoon), I wrote it off as him having a bad day. He had many bad days.

-She is cautious, yet gives him the benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt happened almost every day for me. How about you?

-She pretends he is the same person she loves and thinks he loves her. As good people, we can't believe that everyone isn't good like us. We turn the other cheek. We deny what is really going on.

-He gets full control of her. He won't let her out of the house. She isn't allowed to have friends in. She doesn't know what to believe. She chooses to believe he is the man she loves. This happened every day. Every day.

-She becomes depressed. She is confused.  Did you know "confusion" is at the bottom of the ladder of abuse? Teasing is the firtst rung; confusion is the second.

-She is afraid of him now, but she is still confused. She blames herself. Maybe it's because of something she did.  This is how they get you.

-A friend sneaks in to see her, consoles her, and Ivy opens up. Friends are the ones who save you--let you know how wrong you are. They let you know you are worth being saved.

-Ivy is in the throes of depression, sinking in the quicksand. She drinks to try to put it out of her mind. Some drink, some take pills. I couldn't have lived without Prozac, which I took for the last 15 years of my marriage. Without it, I would have killed myself. Yes, literally. I thought about it quite often. I thank my Heavenly Father that I had the courage NOT to drive into that stone wall or telephone pole.

-She acquiesces to his abuse. She knows she can't control it. She begins to hate him, yet, she can't believe he would hurt her. She doesn't realize how hurt she already is. She is abused. She is ruined and she realizes it. In the movie, she wants to commit suicide and asks Dr. Jekyll to help her.

How many major depressive episodes have you had? Depression, auto-immune diseases, PTSD loops--these are hints, the symptoms, that something is wrong with your life. Please don't let it be so obvious to others, and denied by yourself. Please address the issue of your verbally abusive marriage, or any abusive relationship you are in, or have had in the past.

And one more thing. At the end of my marriage, when I was so depressed, so betrayed, so out of my mind, our marriage counselor told me to get out of my marriage as quickly as possible. He said either my ex was going to kill me (verbal abuse can turn on a dime to physical abuse **), or I would kill myself.

Imagine how that made me feel. And, for once, I actually believed him. No other therapist had ever said that. Luckily he could see my ex-husband for what he really was--a narcissist, an adulterer, bi-polar, angry. None of the other therapists ever could.


* The song, "She Couldn't Laugh," which accompanies this music video, is also a beautiful rendition of verbal abuse.


***Spoiler alert *** 

If you know the movie, you know how it ends. Mr. Hyde kills Ivy. He kills his fiancee's father, then his best friend ends up killing Mr. Hyde. If you have the courage to watch, please do. You might see yourself in that movie and wonder why you're putting up with verbal and/or physical abuse.

Verbal Abuse, Part I--Excerpt from My Divorce Memoir

From My Memoir: The Year of My Divorce (names are changed)

January 27, 2010

I’ve been going online looking for information by PatriciaEvans. She’s the one who wrote “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” I read it about fifteen years ago. Lo, and behold, she’s written more books. I sent away for all of them. In fact, I bought two of everything and I’m going to give the extras away, like to Isabella to read, or the stake president.

I found out I’m not the only one who’s been going through verbal abuse. It’s amazing that I’ve lived for so long not knowing about it, yet, there it is, plain as day in my life.

Men call their wives names and wives wonder, is that abuse? Men abuse their wives, then the men act happy, like nothing ever happened. Wow. I can relate to that.

Jerry would spend an hour screaming at me, leave me for dead, emotionally, then the next thing I’d hear is him whistling like he was the happiest person in the world. I can’t stand to hear anyone whistle now. It brings up too many bad memories. Come to think of it, my dad did the same thing.

So the website says verbal abusers almost universally act like nothing happened because they feel the relationship is fine and they feel like they have more control—power over. If they get you to feel afraid or to back down, it makes them happy.

Abuse usually happens behind closed doors. That’s true in my life. Most verbal abusers are charming and helpful men in public. Jerry treats me very well in public. He can scream at me Saturday night and the next day in church he is sweet as pie—in front of other people. Most of the time I just stare at him, wide-eyed, confused.

One time he bore his testimony in church about how he owes everything to me and that I help make him the man he is. He had just spent an hour deriding me to tears the night before and I couldn’t even take the sacrament because I had so many bad thoughts about him.

While he went on at the pulpit, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had to hand over my baby to someone sitting behind me so I could run to the bathroom. I can’t remember who it was. I spent the remainder of sacrament meeting dry heaving into the toilet.

When we got home, I told him, calmly, if he ever did that again, mention my name whatsoever, I would be the next one up to bear my testimony and I will tell them all the real story. He never did that again.

The website also says women who have been abused don’t take to an abuser, sexually. That’s because we’re too traumatized and don’t have any trust in the man. Women need to have trust in order to be intimate. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to Jerry.

Women are not turned on to men who abuse them. I told him one time, men can be ready for intimacy one minute before midnight. Women start at eight o’clock in the morning to be ready for intimacy at midnight. What happens during the day affects them all day.

Reading this website also tells me that men only change to get their partners back, but once they have them back, they slowly start the control again. How many times have I been through that? Too numerous to count. Abuse, abuse, abuse; win back. Repeat.

Once I tried to watch “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” the Spencer Tracy/Ingrid Bergman version. I couldn’t watch it. It hit home too much.

And now, on top of all the abuse I’ve suffered over the years, there’s adultery. How much more do I have to take?

I’m supposed to be working on my marriage and I only have anger that needs to come out.

Forgive me, Lord. What should I do? Help me, Lord.

Oh, Forgiveness, Where Art Thou?

By Susan Knight

Just when I thought I was getting ready to climb the Forgiveness Step, I find myself still sitting, dawdling, even teetering on the edge of the Courage Step.

I look down and see my old friend, the Anger Step, looming up at me, beckoning.

It's a quick hop down to Anger and I've jumped to it many times in the last four years or so. I can't help myself.

Sometimes, when things go wrong, or when news of my unrepentant ex comes up, I easily seek out my old friend, Anger.

Anger is part of the terrible-awful flashbacks I get from time to time. Anger triggers them in its own resourceful way.

It could be worry about my finances. Will I have enough to pay off my growing credit card bill that I've been using to buy a few extra things this summer? And I worry because my ex doesn't do what he says he will in that regard.

Now I'm asking for help here--opinions. If I was supposed to get a sum from him, say, like, half of a yearly bonus, would I get half of the bonus, or have to wait until he pays the federal, state, local governments, social security and other sundrie taxes, then I get half of what is left?

And if you were to pay your wife alimony, say half of your bonus, would you pay half of the bonus, or half of the net of the bonus? Keep in mind I have yet to pay taxes on this alimony and he gets a tax break for alimony on his income taxes.

I end up paying taxes twice. I'm paying taxes for where he lives and works. I don't live there or work there. Should I have to pay?

I'm just asking.

There might be someone who reads here that will know the answer to this.
Keep in mind, my only alimony is half of his bonus. He was getting quarterly bonuses and now seems to only get one bonus a year. At least that's what he sends me the remains of.

I'd like to know.

I'm perched, ready to jump to Anger soon. I've become adept at jumping around Anger and Resentment and back to Abuse, because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of again.

Do I jump back to the Courage Step and see if I should get the lawyer again and open up another can of worms? Or do I just let him get away with this and let him think he can take advantage of me, as always?

Getting ready to hop. Someone please stop me.

I'm Still Here

By Susan Knight

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last written. I just wanted everyone to know I'm still here.

I let my Divorce Memoir run the course of three chapters (check out the top right side-bar), then life happened and I got busy.

That's not to say I haven't been writing.

Actually, I submitted my first three chapters to a writing contest and won Third Place in the Adult Category. I found out I was the only non-fiction submission of about twenty in the category.

Feeling pretty awesome about that.

I have to laugh, though. I don't think it will ever be published as a book, at least not through traditional publishing. Who would want to publish a book with that content? Did you read it?

I mean, lots of people--women going through the same thing I did, or people who like to read about angst--would want to read about it, I'm sure. It's entertaining, like a soap opera is entertaining. But I hope it gives women like me a look into another crazy mind of a betrayed woman who is going through--and got--a divorce.

I hope it shows the many steps necessary, such as Denial, Disappointment, Decisions, Deceit--until we get to the chapter on Departure, and eventually . . . you know, that other "D" word that shall not be named. Who knew there were so many appropriate "D" words for this predicament? Not to mention the "D" word itself.

That "D" word is one we don't like to speak about and is a scary thought, especially if one was married for thirty-three years like I was. People--battered women; abused women; betrayed women--don't want to leave their "comfort zone," even if that zone is in the bottom of the abysmal PITS.

Isn't that funny? I don't mean funny-haha; I mean funny-peculiar. Though our lives couldn't seem to possibly get worse, we couldn't think of leaving what we're used to.

It finally took adultery, pornography, and stealing from our joint checking account to convince me to go, no matter I had been verbally abused for over thirty years.

One thing I learned--the abuse was reason enough for a divorce.

Part of me thinks my (ex) husband escalated the behaviors to get me to make the decision. He knew I had taken it for so long and would continue in my "comfort zone." When he started trolling the Internet, and getting bites, he needed to move to the next level and that involved getting me out. Yeah, part of me thinks that.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating divorce. If your spouse sincerely wants to change; if he genuinely loves you and is repentant and is proving he wants to change, like going to AA or another addiction program, it's probably worth a wait-and-see. I went through all that in one of those "D" chapters.

Like I said. . . that's a scary "D" word. If you find yourself in my past situation, though, with someone who is abusive, cheats on you, steals money from joint funds, is addicted to pornography, and is unrepentant, well. . .it's still your decision to make to stay or go. I'm not judging.

But when you read that last paragraph, doesn't it just sound silly, in a way?

Just sayin'.

You be the judge.