Divorce: Steps to Climb
I am divorced. Instead of a victim, I call myself a "conqueror" of abuse, adultery and addiction (pornography)--the Triple A. I never knew there were so many steps to climb in the divorce process. The journey wasn't easy. It took courage. But if I did it, you can, too. I haven't reached the top of the steps yet. I am still learning about what I went through emotionally, and how to heal. I'm sharing my experiences to help you realize you are not alone. This is my story. What's yours?
Blog Archive
Saturday, January 6, 2024
Wednesday, January 3, 2024
WHERE MIGHT I HAVE BEEN ALL THESE YEARS?
I just remembered I used to have this blog . . . It certainly helped me work out my thoughts and feelings about divorce. Divorce was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done lots of hard things.
I ended my writing in 2017, the year my house was involved in a fire. I never mentioned that on the blog. But I was in shock for a long time. Also, someone was interest in getting a book published that year on divorce caused by pornography and they thought I would be a good resource since so many people "came out" to me after my own divorce. That has never materialized. Nobody wants to publish such abhorrent knowledge. I can't blame them.
But I do believe that working out my life "after fire" was the main thing I did at that time. That whole ordeal didn't get remediated until more than a year after it happened. I also had two more surgeries on my ankle, one in August 2019 and one six months later in February 2020. That took almost everything I had to recuperate. I had more to deal with than divorce, which I wanted to "release" from my every day psyche.
Then there was the pandemic and then there was an earthquake . . .
. . . and then I retired from my job. That made me happy to be able to do the things I've always wanted to do but had to work. Haha! Everything I love to do can be done in my house and by myself during a quarantine--writing, art, music, crochet, reading . . . I learned I am a social introvert. I like my me time, but also like intimate gatherings. That served me well in 2020.
And my grandchildren were born starting in 2019, and one almost every year since. My life has been full of love every day. When they're here, my house is a happy place.
I have to admit, though, I still have triggers that lead me back to the abuse. I ask God every night, why do I keep thinking about this? It's been long enough away from that ordeal. But I suppose there are so many issues involved that I am still learning . . . every day.
I recently came upon several YouTubes on Narcissism. I tell ya' . . . that might just explain everything. And coupled with pornography addiction . . . Oi. Both are pervasive behaviors.
This therapist is my favorite on narcissism: https://www.youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism. The videos are not too long and he has many that have answered lots of my questions. From there, others will pop up that might help you as well. Also, I've discovered a lot about empaths on YouTube. I know I am one, though I keep it tamped down now. Empaths are usually the perfect narcissist's prey. As is stated in this blog, the nicer the person, the bigger the challenge for the narcissist.
I'm not the same person I used to be. When I think of that person,
who lived in an emotional prison, I think of the patsy I was. I don't want to be
hoodwinked again--beguiled, deceived, betrayed . . .
I am still damaged from that. I don't trust people--can't even think about it.
I truly miss the nice person I used to be all those many years ago. I am now a very guarded person where once I was friendly and outgoing. I'm cautious. I don't show emotion readily as I used to, not even with my children. I have to force myself to smile and laugh sometimes, saying to myself it's okay to smile; it's okay to laugh. It used to be he could bring up any issue with a smile or a laugh. I just kept my face and my demeanor "even" so as not to stir up trouble that might blindside me.
But my face feels good when I smile! And my grandchildren always make me smile, and I'm not afraid of being that nice, kind person to them.
I have to give myself some credit for overcoming the after effects of my marriage considering all that I experienced. But being divorced is not my identity anymore. I am a whole person all by myself. I've discovered my love language, if those really exist, is giving handmade gifts, which I try to do often. I love the essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson about "Gifts":
". . . Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift, which one of my friends prescribed, is, that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought. But our tokens of compliment and love are for the most part barbarous. Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing. This is right and pleasing, for it restores society in so far to its primary basis, when a man's biography is conveyed in his gift, and every man's wealth is an index of his merit."
I must say, re-reading this blog from start to finish after so many years has been a walk down (the terrible-awful) memory lane. I found the video on Forgiveness to be helpful--again. I have released the terrible-awful over and over, but the C-PTSD follows me around to this day. Most will ask why? My answer is "I don't know." It just happens. I can't control when I'll be triggered and I have no control over responding to the PTSD. It's a trance. When I realize I'm in it, I do stop it. But minutes may go by. Many, many minutes.
I'm not sure I've released that terrible-awful completely, but the words of my friend--turn the other cheek and walk away--seem to be my answer for forgiveness. I walked 2,000 miles away. Another friend, who's a therapist, said I'd probably never be able to fully forgive, but to just stop judging him. There is One Who will be in charge of that one day. That has helped and has eased that burden.
Also, he told me I have nothing to be ashamed of, or to apologize for. He should be the one who's afraid of me, not the other way around. What I'm actually afraid of is, on the few occasions we're in the same vicinity, at any moment I could spew a million hurts and rages at him. It takes all my restraint not to--which is why I could never be in an intimate setting with him. Even though he is the offender, I would look like the villain if that happened. He was just in town and at my granddaughter's primary program at church, which is probably why I'm triggering so much. But it will calm down eventually.
I do always like to combat the dark with being thankful for the light--the miracles that exist in my life. And I do thank God every day and every night for my now wonderful life. I have all I need. I am blessed. I have discovered my real self, and I like me very much. In fact, I discover new things all the time.
I now have grandchildren, and they bring me such joy and happiness. They are young enough at this point in time to not know why they have this single Grammy in their lives--without a male counterpart. I suppose it will be soon enough they will figure it out and question. But I hope I've shown them enough love that they, in turn, will love this Grammy, who loves them with my whole heart and soul.
I hope this blog has helped the few people who have discovered it. I don't think I'll write again. I think readers will glean a lot of information from here if they need it. And, again, I'm sorry you might need this information. It's rough. I'll just keep it "out there" in cyberspace. I've never monetized it. I wrote for my own catharsis. I don't really want to be discovered, but a few have come forth and said it was helpful. That's all I can ask.
GOD HELPS US HANDLE WHAT WE'RE GIVEN
This sign has helped me through a lot. I found it during the fire when I was living in an apartment the insurance company put me up in, now almost six years ago.
I have this sign above my front door. I have to "look up" at it, which is what we should all be doing--looking up, toward heaven, to the One who is always looking out for us.
I found a post I wrote about this from 2019, almost two years after the fire. It still holds true. I'll just paste it here:
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Great Article About Narcissism
Reading it brought back so many . . . stress loops.
But the information is vital. I wish I would have known this . . .
http://articlesbrain.com/what-it-means-when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you/
WHAT IT MEANS WHEN A NARCISSIST SAYS “I LOVE YOU”
Friday, April 28, 2017
C-PTSD--I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS A THING
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/10/living-with-c-ptsd-following-an-abusive-relationship/
Let me know what you think. What's YOUR story?
GOOD ADVICE
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Not Enough
There were a few times I planned my death. I became obsessed with thoughts of driving my car into a telephone pole, or a wall, or off a cliff. At length, I became convinced that if I was such a horrible person, I didn't deserve to raise my children. I was not a good enough mother. My husband, who was perfect, would be up to the task because I didn't do a good enough job--of anything.
My friends saved me, as usual, by lifting me up and buoying up my psyche so that I was able to "consider" I might be "okay" enough to live. One of my friends, when she noticed how depressed I was, told me that if I ever had any thoughts of killing myself, to call her--no matter what time of the day or night. "Even if it's three o'clock in the morning--you call me!" she commanded. At that, I actually wondered, "If she loves me that much, maybe I am good enough."
I consulted a therapist for depression. Of course, when she asked what was my problem, I just said, "I don't know." And in my mentally-defective mind, I just denied everything--even to myself. She suggested Prozac. I couldn't have lived through the last fifteen years of my marriage without it.
This photo was taken in August 1996 when I wasn't "thin enough." |
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Three Types of Forgiveness
I have been wanting to post this Prager University YouTube since I first watched it. It gave me a lot to think about and ponder. I hope it will help you as it has helped me understand the process of what I need to do.
The three types of Forgiveness:
- Exoneration: restoring a relationship to the full state of innocence before the harmful actions took place, such as an accident with no fault; when the offender is a child; and when the person who hurt you is truly sorry, takes responsibility, and sincerely asks for forgiveness.
- Forbearance: when the offender makes a partial apology, mingles expression of sorrow with blame that you somehow caused them to behave badly, and may not be authentic. Retain a sense of watchfulness; trust, but verify. Keep the relationship if you wish.
- Release: does not exonerate, nor require forbearance, or continuing the relationship. Instead of continuing to define the hurt, release the bad feelings and preoccupation with the negative things that happened to you. Release allows you to let go of the burden, pain, and anger. Don't let those that hurt you live rent free in your mind, reliving forever the persecution that happened.
I can see how I've lived through the first two types of forgiveness over and over . . . and over. I exonerated without his repentance. I've displayed forbearance without his repentance. As I said before, I forgave him seventy times seven million times.
I might even say I've tried release. But somehow always falter back and give rent-free preoccupation to my past hurts.
Release sounds so liberating. Why am I having such a problem with it?
I use this blog as catharsis, but somehow, I still do keep re-living all the hurt, pain, anger, bad feelings, and still have preoccupation with those negative things. When will the PTSD end? When I die? IDK.
Perhaps this preoccupation is, as my therapist friend said, judging him. Perhaps I need to try--every day--not to judge. I know what he did. He knows what he did. God knows what he did. That should be enough, Susan. Give it to God because I can't handle it. And God doesn't give us what we can't handle, right? He helps us handle it. Please, God, help me.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Here are some other very good memes regarding Narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
This meme above reminds me of a trip I took with my ex-husband and youngest son who was about 18 at the time. We were in a car driving from Utah to Idaho. I am hard of hearing and my ex-husband mumbled--probably on purpose. I asked him what he said. He smirked and laughed and told my son he was setting a new rule in the car: Nobody will repeat themselves.
My son laughed along. I was deeply hurt.
So as we were driving, I said something and my husband said, "What?"
I looked at him and frowned. "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't repeat myself." And I looked away.
I KNOW my husband was frustrated because he always wants to know what people are saying and it probably KILLED him not to know what I had just said.
So . . . consequence? Road rage. As usual.
I said, "You set the rules. Not me."
Instead of admitting it was a bad idea, he didn't say anything about changing the rules. Just road raged all the way to our destination. (I found out most people with road rage are narcissists.)
Once we got to the hotel, I stood up to him while my son was not in the room. I said, "I work at a nursing home where I repeat myself ALL DAY LONG to people who are hard of hearing. Why? Because it's the KIND THING TO DO. And I want to be a kind person."
He just looked at me, but didn't say anything--or apologize, you know, because that would have been the right thing to do.
I went on and said, "I don't want my son to think he can put people down by bullying them if they have a handicap in any way. And especially toward his mother. You're supposed to be setting an example of how to be respectful to his mother. You totally disrespected me."
He never said anything else about it. But he did repeat himself if I didn't hear him say anything--but in front of other people. Victory? I guess it was a silent apology. I very rarely stood up to him. I guess he knew I meant it.
What are some things you might have had to go through with NPD? I only mentioned a few from my list.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Strive to Thrive--Steps to Climb
Friday, March 10, 2017
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Abuse Wheel
Monday, February 27, 2017
This Is Why I Have This Blog.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
True Colors
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Bleeding Heart blossom; CC0 Public Domain |
(Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd edition, Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti, Impact Publishers [2006]).
Don't beat yourself up, or think you're a loser because your friends and/or family think it's been long enough to still be harboring grief, resentment, anger, co-dependence, distrust, betrayal trauma, or whatever it is that is burdening you.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
True Love vs. Exploitation
Friday, December 9, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Be Anti-Pornography: 17 facts you need to know
YOU MUST READ THIS!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
The Wake of Narcissism
I have been thinking recently, dabbling in my mind really, about what it would be like if I started dating again.
I think it would be a catastrophe.
I don't see red flags . . .
. . . even when they are waving right in my face.
I still have that perception that people are good.
I give the benefit of the doubt--like realizing they must be driving so slow because they have a goldfish bowl full of water on the front seat--instead of showing road rage.
How could all this niceness help me know what kind of man to date, if the man was sincere and genuine, and that I wouldn't fall into the narcissism trap again?
I mean, even when I had firmly decided to get divorced, my narcissistic (ex) husband tried to persuade me to stay married--status quo. He wanted me to live in the house with him and let him date and commit adultery at will. Seriously!?!
That was when the rose-colored glasses fell off for me. They smashed to smithereens. I didn't even know who he was.
It's because he wasn't the man I created in my mind. I made such a wonderful husband in my mind. I wouldn't let the dream die.
Trust me, though, it's way dead now.
My doubt is, I might create the same wonderfulness again. I'm very creative.
So whenever I have any thoughts of possibly dating again, I think of red flags--invisible red flags--waving in front of my face.
Alas, I don't see them.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Bloom Where You are Planted
This rings so true for me. There were times I was so depressed, I felt as if I was sinking in quicksand and I couldn't find any foothold with which to boost myself upward. I felt buried, but not only buried, but that pernicious roots and vines had engulfed me, wrapping around my whole body to keep me in my underground tomb.
In hindsight, I realize it as the refiner's fire taking me to a place I needed to be to realize I didn't want to be there anymore.
Now I am planted in a home 2,000 miles away from where I started, and blooming beautifully.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
RESILIENCE and CONTROL
Now that I'm divorced, I've realized just how resilient I've become. My stress level has gone way down to point where I don't need any anti-depressants,or drugs to help me sleep. I was so afraid of leaving my abusive situation, but as I look back, I wish I would have had the courage to leave when I first had the feeling my marriage wasn't right. Instead, I waited thirty years.
I can't control the past. I can only enjoy the here and now. I so want that for all of you who might be going through an abusive situation. Please recognize your worth.
The list below outlines a great way to take some small steps to overcome your need for control and find the Calgon moments in your life.
Make lemonade!
How can you increase your resilience?
braithwaiteinnovationgroup.com |
Monday, October 26, 2015
Have Courage
In my book, Connected in Love, one of my characters, Cammie Bentley, is the wife of a verbally abusive man, Like all abused women, she is afraid of him. She's afraid to make waves. She's afraid to cross him. She's even afraid to voice her own opinions, knowing he will be upset and take it out on her by harangues, vindictive threats, and passive-aggressive actions.
The Main Character--protagonist--Mary Donohue, tries to convince her she must have courage to be able to stand up to him. Cammie is still afraid, even knowing she has to make a decision. His outbursts are escalating. What she doesn't know is, his pornography viewing is also escalating.
Mary convinces Cammie that courage does not mean you aren't afraid. Courage means you do what needs to be done despite being afraid.
What are you putting off because you're afraid?