Does Mediation Only Give the Appearance of an Amicable Divorce?

             As I said before, one of the rules of mediation in my (former) state is that the spouses put all their funds into one joint account. We also had to stay in the house together or we would be considered abandoning it, or abandoning the marriage and, therefore, mediation could not take place.

I’m sorry. That is wrong.

I'm not saying mediation is wrong. I just think the rules have to be tweaked a bit.

I realize mediation gives the appearance of an amicable divorce, but in most cases, I’m sure it’s not why people want to mediate.

People are getting a divorce for a “reason.” Most of the time one or the other is cheating, lying, abusing, has dark secrets, is a narcissist—the list goes on. (Refer to my post on June 19, 2013 of top reasons why people divorce)

I believe, even in mediation, the accounts should be halved, or 60-40—whatever the court will allow—and the offending party should move out.*

The only reason I went through the mediation process was because I heard it didn’t take as long as a regular divorce and I wanted out of there fast. Since it doesn’t take as long, it’s cheaper.

Most states are “no fault” so it doesn't matter who the adulterer, liar or narcissist is. Tell the lawyer you fear for your life. I did at one point, but she seemed unmoved by that. She must have thought, “They’re here mediating, so it can’t be that bad.”

I pushed an end table in front of the bedroom door to make noise if he tried to get in, and slept with scissors under my pillow, next to my cell phone set to call 9-1-1-. I was fearful. I had been verbally abused for over thirty years. He was acting erratic. He had a girlfriend. I found his porn—all this on top of the abuse, lying and skimming money from our account.

In my case, I just wanted to mediate so I could get out of the marriage as soon as possible.

Because my ex took money out of our joint accounts, I decided to take some of our money and open up a new account in my name only to protect myself. My friends, ecclesiastical leader—even our marriage counselor—told me to do it.

I felt defeated when I heard the mediator say, “You need to put all of your money into one account.”

My heart dropped. My husband gloated victory.

After I put the money back, he spent our joint account down to almost nothing. He got his own credit card and spent a thousand dollars at a pop. I got one too. I spent seven dollars.

• Did you use a mediator for your divorce?
• Were you pleased with the results?
• What would you have done differently?
• I'd love a lawyer's opinion on the subject.

Are you considering mediation? You might want to check your state laws to see what is best for you before you decide.

*Just my two cents, as always

Just Sayin'

Are Your Steps Going in the Right Direction?

I found a lovely quote by Henry B. Eyering in Goodreads. I don't know if I'm allowed to use quotes on blogs without asking, but he wrote to the effect, if you are on the right path, it will always be uphill.
How fitting for a blog called "Steps to Climb."

I am reminded of climbing the beautiful mountains surrounding Boulder, Colo. when I lived there in my young adulthood.

At each crevice and plateau, I would pause and look down to see my journey behind me.The trees were smaller--and the people weren't seen at all.
Perspective. Looking down from perches I happened upon on the rocky mounts made me think of my place in a world full of God's children. I am one of them. I know God loves me. I know He is looking out for me.
He knows my pains and sorrows. He knows my joys.
Then I'd look up to see the awe-inspiring journey still needed to reach the top. The glorious and vast heavens above me gave me a challenge. The colorful rock formations beneath my hands and feet gave me a stronghold as I pulled myself upward. Each movement had to be calculated for success.
Being young and stupid, I didn't climb with ropes as they do nowadays. I knew that one false move would be to my detriment, big time.
 Sometimes I feel defeated. I especially felt defeated on that long climb I took, up each vertical step of the divorce process.
 I don't know which step I'm on now because I am trying to find the healing step and the forgiveness step.
Since I am looking up, I must be on the right path.  I hope you are on your right path, too.

Be Kind. Sympathize.

Oh, how I know this so well. Looking back, I can't imagine what my friends thought of me. I always felt poorly. Depression, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Hypoglycemia, chronic back pain . . . these dis-eases invaded my body and made me old before my time. I was fighting a hard battle.
The reason why I am happily divorced is because I now have none of the autoimmunes. They all disappeared on my two-week, cross-country journey as I escaped the old and welcomed my new life.


I hope, if you are fighting a hard battle, if you suffer from dis-ease, you will feel well again, too.

My Book Review of "Shattered. . . " Shared

Good news for me. Fay A. Klinger, who, along with Bettyanne Bruin, wrote "Shattered: six steps from betrayal to recovery," just posted my book review of her book on her Facebook author page and in her newsletter coming out next month.
For those of you who missed it, look in my archive on July 25, 2013 where I wrote the review of the only book that really helped me understand what I was going through with this Triple A Divorce.

I urge you to check it out. I'm sure it will help you, too.

I Will Get Through This

I just read this post today:
Suffering is required for exaltation.
From Romans 8:16-18:

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

I get a Scripture-a-Day sent to my email. Sometimes it gives me light. Sometimes it makes me think.

I know what this says is true, but this message came at a difficult time right now. I just found out my ex was in my own hometown visiting with my kids. They didn't tell me.

I wouldn't have told me either. 

When I saw their pictures posted on Facebook, my PTSD kicked in big time. I woke my daughter up from a sound sleep asking if he was still here. She was visibly annoyed. Seeing my wide and wild-eyed expression, she must have thought I was crazy. (Maybe I am, a little.)

I'm mostly damaged.

I spent last night, late, searching through my bathroom trying to find the Prozac. Yes, I felt that frantic. I finally found it, but the expiration date was from 2010. That was the last time I used it. That was when I left him.

This scripture reminds me that life is a journey, sometimes perilous in our minds on our own level of understanding. I think of the phrase, "You'll have this."

Sometimes you need to be brave and do the courageous thing. Instead of climbing steps, you climb mountains with jagged rocks and cliffs. Brushburns occur haphazardly just by tripping a little and swiping the stones. You pick up little scrapes and bruises, but you venture on, knowing the journey has indescribable scenery with vibrant colors and fresh air. At the end of the journey there's extraordinary peace and abundant love--glory.

Sometimes it's like climbing a ladder. Don't look down. Keep looking up.

All things, even trials and distress, give you experience.

If suffering will give me greater glory, then I reckon I will have a dole full.

I will get through this.

I know you will, too.

Day of Freedom

August 14, 2010 was the day after I left my abusive marriage. That date has become the new anniversary of my life. My first day of freedom.

Three years ago today I woke up at a friend's house. I was homeless. I mean, I had a nice, comfy bed to sleep in, in a beautiful house, but . . .I had no home, no community, no job, no identity. I was moving over 2,000 miles away. I was a little depressed. I have to admit, I was very scared, too. But I had a lot of faith that I was doing the right thing. It was a leap of faith.

And I was free.

I had a party one year later with all my friends to celebrate My First Anniversary of Freedom. I was finally happy--and happily divorced. I felt so much lighter. My burdens were shaken off.

If you finally got a divorce, tell me about your special day of freedom. 

Am I On the Right Track?

I'd like to know if this is the kind of blog you're looking for.
I'm trying to help people know what will happen to them during the divorce process.
What information do you need?
What have you been through?
What can you share?

I'm hoping we can all help each other.

Divorce Settlement Agreements—What I’d Do Differently

One of the important steps in the divorce process is the Settlement Agreement. A piece of advice—get exactly how much money you want. Not just what you need. Now that I have 20-20 hindsight, I would do things a little differently.

I can’t be too hard on myself. I was afraid of my husband so I didn’t want to make any waves.

All of my friends urged me to get a lump sum because they knew he wouldn’t pay alimony. I couldn’t believe it. Even though my ex was an abusive, controlling, betraying person, my mind wouldn’t fathom him not being honest in his dealings with me. My friend, a divorce lawyer in another state, told me all of his court cases revolve around women who are trying to get the alimony owed by their deadbeat husbands.

My first glance at the reality my ex would not keep up alimony payments happened when he offered to give me only one year of alimony in an agreement he forged during divorce mediation. He thought he was being generous. In his mind, I didn’t deserve anything. He said he knew I would agree with him, in principle, that he put all the sweat equity into our marriage.

I asked him if he included the thirty-six months I spent being pregnant with his four children. Isn't that sweat equity? He wasn’t convinced what I did had any merit because he brought in the money. I think you get the picture of what I was up against.

We got our house appraised and put it on the market. He got nervous because we didn’t get one nibble in a month’s time. The market was in a downturn. He decided to take it off the market. After that, he actually told me he didn’t want a divorce. The writing was on the wall--he would have to buy me out. He didn’t want to.

He reasoned with me that our money was fluid, why should we get a divorce? He wanted everything to stay status-quo. After hearing that, I told him I did want a divorce, I would get a lawyer and a court order to get him out. He quickly changed his tune, knowing he would have to pay $$ for that.

In a short period of time, he became anxious to have me out. He was active on dating sites and probably had some nibbles.  After many back-and-forth counter agreements, I came up with a sum in my head and told him that’s what I wanted, and what he needed to do for me to “go away.”

We went to the bank to see how much they would give my husband in a loan to buy me out. It was short of the sum I wanted.

I gave in and took a lesser number because he threw up his hands and said he couldn’t give any more. Why did I give in? The difference I lost out on could have been his alimony payment in monthly installments for about two years. Two years of alimony after a 30+-year marriage. In Pennsylvania, I was entitled to one year of alimony for every three years of marriage.

I think I was anxious to make my exit, to protect myself, and I shied away from the confrontation it would have taken. I couldn't gamble with my life that his abuse wouldn't accelerate.

His mortgage payment turned out to be the same price someone would pay to rent an apartment. Even our mediator said he got a very good deal.

After I left and established myself with a full-time job in another state, but making a “supplemental income” three times less than what he makes, I felt cheated. The lump sum I received paid for a modest twin home, but I really could have used a monthly payment coming in on top of that lump sum.

I’m just saying. . . stick to your guns. Don’t back down. Don’t give in. Work out what you need and then add to that number. Protect yourself. Emergencies happen. I had an accident that involved two surgeries on my ankle. It took me a few years to pay this off. Alimony payments would have come in handy.

Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and I know it. I’m blessed that I got money from the house. My children are adults so I don’t have to worry about feeding my kids when the deadbeat doesn’t provide. I’m blessed to have a job and a reason to wake up in the morning. I am so blessed to have supportive friends and family.

What would you do differently in your divorce settlement?

PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Divorce: Part III

Edit 2017: PTSD that occurs in abusive marriages/childhoods is now called "Betrayal Trauma." When you put your trust in someone--spouse, parent, friend, teacher--and they are abusive and betray your trust. Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma, according to Jennifer Freyd's Betrayala Trauma Therory.

While journaling my divorce memoir, sometimes I actually broke out in hives. My keyboard tapped and sang; my mind was "in the zone,” until my arms started itching.

My concentration interrupted, I’d apply lotion to my arms. “Did a mosquito get in here?” I wondered.

Back to typing, it wasn’t long before my neck would itch, then my chest. I looked at my chin in the mirror and saw the hives. There was a rash on my upper torso.

Then it hit me.

“What am I writing about?” The passage didn’t seem too terribly disturbing, but I realized I had been at it all day, regurgitating the abusive treatment in my marriage. My body saw it as a traumatic event being relived. My psyche had all it could stand for one day. I took an anti-histamine.

I found out this is called a Psychosomatic event, or more modernly referred to as Somatoform Disorder. Hives come out when we’re overly stressed; some people break out in a sweat; others suffer from tension headaches or migraines. Chronic pain falls under this category of illness.

This disorder is common for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD. As I said before, PTSD used to be referred to as Shell Shock back in the day—Battle Fatigue, suffered by those in the military when exposed to prolonged killing, maiming, running for your life, distress of having one’s safety violated. The scars from such an ordeal as war are devastating. I don’t mean to equate my abusive marriage to what someone in a war zone has suffered for an extended period of time.

Yet, everyone’s body is different. What one person can take may be the end all for another.

So it is with a traumatic marriage, one where abuse has occurred for years or decades. The fear of constant bombardment of name calling, fist thumping, temper tantrums and holes in walls can send a woman into a kind of shell shock.

Everyone relates to verbal abuse differently. Fear can cause three reactions. In addition to fight and flight, there is also what I call fright (because it rhymes). Psychologists call it "freeze." That was my reaction to my (ex) husband’s verbal abuse. I would sit, eyes wide, body paralyzed, wondering if he was going to hit me, harm me, kill me. He never did, but the verbal abuse happened so often (sometimes several times per week), my mind had flashbacks many times per day, and especially during the abuse.

Over thirty years, I felt as if I’d been in the middle of a war zone. My body had had it, physically. My mind couldn’t take it anymore either. Thus, the PTSD and auto-immune diseases.

Now that I am away from that situation—and happily divorced—I find I can help myself during times of flashbacks, hives and whatever else comes down the pike. I recognize what’s happening and that is the beginning of healing—and dealing.

Following are some ways you can deal with the stress of a traumatic marriage and the decision to seek a divorce:

·        Ask for support from friends or family. They may not understand what you’re going through if they haven’t experienced it, but they should love you through it anyway.

·        Keep a journal. It’s very cathartic.

·        Find a support group for those who are victims of domestic abuse, if that’s your problem. It’s good to know you’re not alone in your plight.

·        Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise

·        Do something fun. Visit friends and family. Get your hair done—or your nails—or both. Do something that will help you feel better. Give yourself permission to laugh, socialize. Get out of the house and do things. Try a new activity.

·        Relaxation techniques. Try yoga or take a walk in the park. Look at the stars at night. B.r.e.a.t.h.e.

·        Talk therapy. Find a counselor who can help you through your hard times or talk to a friend who understands.

·        Please stay away from drugs and alcohol. It might be tempting to escape your troubles. I often said, I’m glad I don’t drink because I would be an alcoholic, if so.

·        Avoid major life decisions. I didn't take my own advice here. It’s usually said to wait a year before making changes, like moving or switching jobs. These are classified as types of grief, so it will add to the stress, grief, of a divorce. In my case, I felt I had to get far away. I left my home, my extended family, my friends, my community, my reputation—my identity—all behind me. I fled to the west where I had friends and two of my kids who could help me through what was to come.  It was a leap of faith. It was right for me.

·        Prayer works. Whatever your religion or level of spirituality, giving up your worries to a higher power, a Heavenly Father, can ease the load you carry. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I depend on Him still. I know He knows who I am. He knows my name. I feel His love for me.

It’s okay to mourn your loss. Divorce is a type of grief. You’ve just lost your marriage. It died. Give yourself time to heal and be patient with yourself. Heaven knows, you’ve been through the wringer.

What Say Ye?

I started journaling my divorce experience since I first found out about my ex-husband’s affair in 2009. I put it in a password-protected Word document on my computer. I didn’t want anyone to find out about it. I was embarrassed, humiliated, angry. . . if anyone read what I wrote—what would they think of me?

I let it all out during this journaling time. When I got to counseling, the therapist told me I should write it all down and get it all out. I told him I had already begun. It was cathartic. I could say whatever I wanted about my marriage and my (ex) husband and nobody would know about it—well, except God and my guardian angels. Yet, I felt Providence was leading me, guiding me to discovery about the terrible, awful secrets harbored by my spouse. Anything I said in my journal didn’t come close to comparing to what he was doing.

I found the pornography after we were in therapy. A legion of red flags was waving in front of my face. Still, I persisted in counseling and in “working on my marriage,” presumably with my spouse.

Since I moved out west, I have been taking that vitriolic verbiage and editing it into a memoir. I was hoping to publish it someday, but I don’t want my kids to read it. However, I do want others, who are going through the same thing I did, to read it.

Thus, this blog.

I would love to know how others of the same experience dealt with their ordeals. But I understand if you’re too afraid to comment. I urge you to comment anonymously. Whatever you say could be the exact thing another woman needs to hear.

PTSD—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Part II

It was a dream—a nightmare. It felt real. It was three-dimensional. I would swear it really happened.

A few days before my son was to move out, I dreamt that he and my daughter were in my kitchen on moving day. My sons-in-law were in the basement getting the furniture. My son and my daughter were having a conversation with gestures to the door and glances at me.

I asked, “What are you whispering about?”

They looked at each other and my son said, “Dad’s here and he’s going to help with the move.”

I freaked out. “I do NOT want that man anywhere near my house! I don’t want him in my neighborhood!” I screamed and acted like a crazy person. My son tried to calm me down. I saw the door open and knew it was my ex-husband walking in the door.

“AAAHHH!” I screamed at the top of my lungs in my dream, but no sound came out, like my vocal chords were paralyzed. I jumped up and down, like in a temper tantrum, thumping my hands through the air. My mouth and body were only going through the motions.

 

Just like in the movies, I woke up with a start, sat up and was panting like I’d just run a marathon. But it was real. I know it happened.

It was early in the morning, the sun just coming up. I got up and checked my kitchen to see if my kids were here. “It’s not moving day,” I told myself. “Nobody’s coming through the door.”

I got back in bed, one more hour until my alarm was set to go off, to get me up for work that day.

A few days later, it was moving day. I rationalized their father would not travel across the country to help my son move a few pieces of furniture and a few boxes.

Still I panicked whenever I thought about it. I had heart palpitations all morning, expecting my ex-husband to show up, yet knowing he wouldn’t. Yet questioning . . .

Does this story sound familiar? Nightmares, panic, heart palpitations, paranoia? Blame Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—PTSD.

Though I don’t have minor children or a court-ordered custody arrangement, I still feel stressed to think someday I will have to see my abusive ex-husband. There will be weddings, college graduations, christenings and baptisms. I’ve already been through one wedding right after my divorce. It was so extremely difficult to even be in the same room with him, let alone stand in a receiving line with him.

I can’t imagine having children who need to be handed off to the errant parent and having to SEE him/her on a regular basis. My very, dear friend has minor children and says seeing her ex makes her go to her panic place (that’s what I call it) and it’s hard not to let it show in front of her kids. Children are amazingly intuitive.

With PTSD, one’s brain goes on a loop, thinking of the “terrible awful” memories harbored within (to quote Minnie from “The Help” for a minute). As time goes by, and distance is allowed from the abusive spouse, those stressful times may lessen, but it often take years.

Healing might be possible quicker if you don’t see the spouse. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, in this case. With grown kids, you can turn the other cheek—and walk away. It’s not that easy with custody exchanges.

My friend seeks the healing wisdom of appealing to our Father in Heaven on a daily basis. She said, “Every day, I make a conscious decision to start my day by ‘choosing’ the Lord.”

Her day begins with prayer, reading scriptures, writing in her journal and listening to uplifting talks by church leaders.

My friend said, “When I do that, I feel the ‘life’ trickle back into me. I feel refreshed and ready to lead my little family along the path of our wilderness with energy and enthusiasm.”

That, my friends, is the number one way to help yourself during a divorce. Prayer. All the pat answers of Sunday School will never steer you wrong.

 

My kids are adults, and, despite the nightmare I had, they know where I stand about their father, at least for now. They might not understand, but they know I don’t ever want to have to see him again.

 

I know I will have to one day. I still have two unmarried children and one college graduation to get through. In the future there will be grandchildren events. Maybe by then I’ll be stronger. Maybe I’ll be able to take it.

 

Healing might come. I’m just not there yet, so I can’t say.

 

How do you cope with child visitation? Do you have nightmares or PTSD loops?

PTSD—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Divorce: Part I

I call it Post Traumatic Stress Divorce.

It’s been almost three years since I fled to the west to escape my marriage and abusive, addicted, cheating husband. I call August 14th my Day of Freedom, the first full day after I left for good. I celebrated the first anniversary in 2011 with a party at my house with my close friends who knew my plight.

I know I must be healing a little bit because I used to fall asleep every night thinking of being abused and when I would wake up, the first thing I thought about was his abuse. It was as if I fell asleep watching a horror movie, then woke up and the movie was still on.

Those days only number about once a week now.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, used to be called Shell Shock when I was growing up during the Vietnam war. It was thought only people in the military, in battles where their lives were threatened to a great extreme, suffered from it. Now we know anybody who’s life has been threatened can be stressed like this.

When trust is compromised and your sense of safety is in distress, as in an abusive marriage, it’s only normal to think you’re crazy because your mind is going loopy (literally). During PTSD, caused by a crazy spouse, some people react like a deer in the headlights—paralyzed from fear, unable to stop their thoughts of the last time they were abused.

Sometimes it only takes a trigger, like a sentence on television, or even a conversation about marriage, to bring on my PTSD cycles. (Yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD.) I can be sitting in church and get on a loop. It happened to me at a Weight Watchers® meeting last week. The instructor called on me saying I looked like I had a question. I didn’t even know what she was talking about. I said, “No, I’m just listening.”

I find I can shake myself out of it a lot easier now, but I know I have a long way to go.

While it’s normal to have nightmares and triggers from a traumatic event, the symptoms should only last a few days or weeks. PTSD sufferers may take years to recover, if they ever do.

HelpGuide.org is a good website that lists the symptoms and causes of PTSD. While verbal abuse and divorce aren’t listed as causes yet (physical abuse is), there is a disclaimer that states it can be caused by “. . . any shattering event that leaves you stuck and feeling helpless and hopeless.” Divorce lawyers and counselors are working to get "high conflict divorce" added to the list of PTSD causes. I think there should be a new classification cause on that list called “Traumatic Marriage.”*

According to the website, there are three main types of symptoms of PTSD:
1.     Re-experiencing the traumatic event
2.     Avoiding reminders of the trauma, and
3.     Increased anxiety and emotional arousal.

Symptoms of the first type:

1.     Upsetting memories of the event

2.     Flashbacks

3.     Nightmares

4.     Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

5.     Intense physical reactions to reminders of the traumatic event, like pounding heart, rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, sweating

Symptoms of the second:

1.     Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, feelings that remind you of the event

2.     Forgetting aspects of the trauma

3.     Loss of interest in life (depression, in my book)

4.     Feeling detached and emotionally numb

5.     Sense of a limited future or no normal life again

Symptoms of the third:

1.     Difficulty falling or staying asleep

2.     Irritability; outbursts of anger

3.     Difficulty concentrating

4.     Being on “red alert”

I'm imbued with all the symptoms of the first type, number one of the second type, and number one of the third type. Hoping to get past it all someday.

Does this all sound familiar? You might be suffering from PTSD. How do you cope? I'd like to know.


This is Part I of however many parts it will take to do this subject justice. Just like depression, PTSD is a part of a betrayed, abused spouse’s life.

Edit: psychologists now call PTSD from abuse and adultery in a marriage/divorce "Betrayal Trauma."

Letting "The Dream" Die

I have been messaging back and forth with a dear friend who went through her divorce at the same time I did. She has vast courage for dealing with what has happened to her.

 My heart ached as I realized how much she was like me. She would have stayed married forever, believing in eternal marriage, even though her husband was a total, creepy, cheating jerk.

 She was a wreck thinking her marriage covenants were broken because of what he did—abuse, adultery, addiction. My friend now knows, it’s not her fault. She did not break her covenants. And she knows it’s better to leave an evil spouse than to possibly die by his hand. (I say “his hand” though I guess it could be “her hand,” as well, especially when bi-polar disorder is in the mix as it was in my case and hers.)

 Another friend told me once that my situation was uncommon in that, I was still married to someone with bi-polar disorder. I told her I intended to stay married because I believed marriage is eternal. I thought I could hold it together, but, of course, we all know, it takes two to work on a marriage.

 Still, I couldn’t imagine killing “The Dream.”

 I envy those who seem to have wonderful marriages, yet I know other people probably envied me because I never let on what was going on at home. In public, we were a perfect couple with a perfect family. Co-dependency is like that.

 And, if you do believe in the fairy tale of the forever marriage* (I am speaking to co-dependents now, not those with really happy and eternal marriages),  imagine how devastating it is to discover the offensive secrets your spouse has been hiding—adultery, pornography addiction, prostitutes—on top of the abuse you’ve been putting up with for years or decades.

 Ask yourself, is it the spouse you want to keep, or The Dream? Do you want to be abused, or do you want The Dream? No matter what?

 Yes, for some of us, it’s The Dream we want—no matter what. We created The Dream, fantasized about it in our minds and our lives, and perpetrated it on the public’s perception. Save face. Look good. Deny. Always deny.

 It’s The Dream of a perfect life that dies in a divorce. The Dream shields us from Reality. Say good-bye to The Dream, along with your destructive and, possibly, fatal marriage. 

 Some of us bear the loss of The Dream better than others. It takes time. Once the co-dependency of an abusive marriage is dealt with, leaving it behind is easier.

 I admire all my many friends who let The Dream go, like releasing a balloon in the air and watching it flicker away over the hills, over the mountains and into the clouds. It wasn’t easy.

 It’s one of the hardest steps you’ll ever climb.

 
What is your story about The Dream? Any advice?

 
* I’m trying to focus on helping others see beyond The Dream when they are in an abusive relationship. I acknowledge there are good marriages. I have many friends who have told me there is no abuse in their marriages, because they know my plight and I need to know there is goodness and trust in marriage.